


Little By Little We Understand

by GoWashTheLights



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Acceptance, Adoption, Bathroom Dysphoria, Body Dysphoria, Canonical Character Death, Comfort/Friendship, Confessions, Developing Relationship, Doctor Visits, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, First Kiss, Gag Gifts, Gay Rights, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Grief/Mourning, Growth, Growth discovery, Happy Ending, Health problems, Holiday chapters, LGBTQ Themes, Long-Distance, Loss, Lung Cancer, M/M, Multi, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Self-Acceptance, Sexuality, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, Support, Therapy, Transgender, Transitioning, Triggers, Wakes & Funerals, Wedding Planning, Weddings, formerly fem!Bones, shots!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 11:57:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 80,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2546654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoWashTheLights/pseuds/GoWashTheLights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Len always knew he was different - an outsider. He'd been born into this world as "Ellen", and felt pressure to live up to that.  Even though he knew it was wrong, and even after he'd discovered what it all meant.  His transition eventually brings him to California, where he finds more friends and support than he could have ever expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trial and Error

**Author's Note:**

> A couple months ago, I started finding tons of supportive LGBTQ posts on my tumblr dash that inspired me. I began watching transition stories, both FTM and MTF, and really, really just wanted to write a story :) There are many bloggers, vloggers I want to thank (and leave them anonymous, as respect to them), but this story wouldn't have been possible without them.  
> Also, there may be future triggers here. I'll be adding tags as I go along, so please watch out before reading.  
> To anyone who is thinking of transition, has transitioned and is struggling (or maybe isn't) you are loved by so many.

Eleanora McCoy was exhausted. She'd been exhausted for the better part of nine months, of course, but it had been all worth it. In her arms was her wrapped up, red-faced baby girl, pouting and squirming. "She's so beautiful..."

David sat close at her side, running a finger gently over the baby's blanket. "Sure is. Our little Ellen."

Eleanora turned her head up to look at him. "You look happy, David," she smiled.

Her husband folded his arms and frowned, but a softness reserved just for her danced in his eyes. "Of course I'm happy."

The new mother sat up just a bit, and she carefully passed the little bundle over to David. "We'll be her protectors."

David was tense as he held his daughter, but after a few moments he was able to just cradle her. "Just for a little while. She'll be like you, strong and independent, no need for anyone to help her out."

"David," Eleanora rolled her eyes, "just hush and let her wrap you around her little finger."

David smiled down at Ellen, his thumb brushing over her little hand. "Our girl."

~*~*~*~

Ellen's stomach hurt. One hand was clasped into her father's the other tugged at her new dress. It was dark pink plaid, with buttons and a few ruffles, and not what she was used to. She always wore an old tee and ripped jeans because she spent a lot of time helping her daddy out with the chores and animals. Her shoes were new and white, and her hair had been curled.

She'd turned five in January, and now it was time to start going to school. The idea of it had seemed like a good one, but now, as she looked at the group of other kids, her stomach flipped again. "Daddy..."

He looked down at her, and he seemed just as restless. "Yes, darlin'."

"My tummy hurts."

"I'm sorry, kiddo. So does mine," he chuckled. "Mama couldn't come with us because she had to help with her church activities."

Ellen nodded. Her mama helped make quilts once a week with a bunch of old ladies who smelled like cookies and too much perfume. Eleanora had desperately wanted to go, but getting her girl all dolled up and taking endless pictures was what she could contribute. David and Ellen walked into the classroom, where the teacher was talking to a couple of other parents. Most of the kids were sitting in their desks, getting to know each other, so Ellen thought she might do the same. "Daddy, I'm gonna go sit down."

David crouched down to hug her. "Okay, honey. You have fun, don't worry 'bout your tummy - it'll stop hurtin' in a bit. I'll say goodbye before I leave."

Ellen nodded, hugged him a final time, and turned to face the classroom. Her house was a little far away, so she didn't have neighbors or even other kids her age to play with. Not that she'd minded, she liked to be by herself, mostly, but this was school. Her mama had said it was important to find a good friend. She found a few girls playing with some toys, and wandered over. "Um...hello."

They looked up at her. One girl stood up and smiled at her. "Hi! Do you want to play with us? We're playing with Barbies."

Ellen bit her lip. "Um...I don't have a Barbie. I do have a baseball, though! I'm gettin' kinda good at it..." She trailed off, noticing their faces. They didn't seem too happy about it. "Don't you like baseball?"

"No," another girl said. "That's for boys. Dolls are for girls, sports are for boys. It's the rule!"

"Yeah, the rule!"

Ellen folded her arms. "I didn't say I don't like Barbies, I said I don't have one," she explained softly.

"That's kinda weird," the first girl said, but then she shook her head. "You can be our friend, just no baseball."

Ellen wasn't sure she liked that. She didn't prefer to play with dolls or do dress up. She simply shrugged, and looked around. There were a couple of boys playing by the cubbies, wrestling and laughing. Ellen smiled and made her way over, and nudged one of them lightly with her foot. "Hey!"

They looked up at her. "What?"

"Um...do you want to play baseball? I got a good one."

The two boys looked at each other uncertainly. "Girls don't play baseball."

"Yeah, you should go play dollies with the girls!" A taunting reply.

Ellen frowned in annoyance, and raised her brow. "Okay, fine. But when I get really good at it, you'll wanna play with me."

For the rest of the day, Ellen's stomach ache stayed. Why did it matter if she was a girl, but didn't like girly stuff?

~*~*~*~

"If it's what she wanted, then let it be, Ellie."

"I know that, David, I just...didn't expect it. I asked her if she wanted the girl's jeans and shirts, but she pulled me over to the boy's clothes. I don't know what made her decide she wanted it."

"Well," David huffed, "I'm sure she has her reasons. Whatever she does or says, she's always had a reason. Boy's clothes last longer and they're more comfortable."

"Yes, I'm sure," Eleanora agreed. "I don't think that's it, though. If it's what she wants, then it's that's how it'll be."

Unknown to her parents, Ellen was sitting right outside the kitchen. She'd been in bed, unable to sleep for the last twenty minutes, and thinking of today. She would be starting second grade soon, and she'd finally had the courage to ask her mother for different clothes. She hadn't been ready to tell her mother the reason, but her father had been right. Boy's clothes were much more comfortable.

That morning, when David had been out in the yard, Ellen had slipped into her parents room. It had been more out of curiosity than anything, but what had happened had changed something for her. She'd gone to the closet, pulled out one of her daddy's nice button-down shirts and hat, and had moved over to the mirror. She wanted to see what she might look like in boy's clothes; she tucked her hair up into the hat, and pulled her arms into the too-big sleeves. Then she'd looked at herself for a long time.

She looked like a girl, but wearing these clothes was comforting. She'd liked wearing her regular clothes less and less, and wearing a dress was twice as bad. She didn't even know why! She just knew that she felt scared and sick sometimes, and there had to be a way to fix it. This was her answer.

When they'd gone shopping, she'd talked her mother into buying clothes from the boy's section. The second she'd tried them on, it was like the bad feeling in her chest was gone. She felt happy again. Quietly, she slipped back upstairs, and looked at the stack of new clothes on her chair. She pulled down her favorite shirt, the black one with the guitar on the back, and slipped it on. She wasn't supposed to, so it would stay nice, but she needed the comfort to start a new year.

~*~*~*~

Ellen sat in the salon chair as the stylist pulled the towel away. The woman smiled at her, then asked if she was ready to see. She nodded quietly, and was swiveled around to face the mirror. Short hair. The shortest she'd ever had it, styled exactly how she'd wanted. "It's great, wow!"

"Good! I'm glad you like the result - why don't you go show your mom now?"

Ellen took a deep breath and nodded, getting to her feet. Her mother was around the corner, sitting obediently in a chair and fussing over a magazine. Ellen had asked to get her haircut, and wanted this to be a surprise. She just hoped it would be a good one. When she walked up to her mother, she cleared her throat. "Mom?"

Eleanora looked up. Her eyes widened lightly, but there was a smile forming on her face. "Wow, look at you! It looks great! Probably feels freeing, doesn't it?" She laughed.

Ellen gave a nervous smile. "It's okay, then?"

"Honey, it looks great," her mother promised, and the sincerity was evident. The stylist walked over to them, having cleaned up her station, and looked between the two.

"Well, Mrs. McCoy, how'd we do?"

"Oh, it's great, thank you!" Eleanora rummaged through her purse. "How much do I owe you?"

The stylist smiled down at Ellen. "Well, she asked if she had enough to donate it, and she definitely did! We don't charge when donations are made."

Ellen smiled at the surprise on her mother's face. "Oh, well, I didn't know...a tip at least."

On the way home, Ellen flipped the mirror on the sun visor down. She kept running her hands through her hair, amazed at just how little there was now. It was still full, which was nice, but so different. She stopped abruptly when she heard her mother giggle. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. I've just never seen you fuss over a mirror so much in my life! It really does look good, darlin'."

Elle smiled and looked away. "You think Dad will be upset?"

"Oh, he'll probably say somethin' about you not having to pull it up or mess with it during chore time," Eleanora laughed.

When they pulled up the drive, David was outside on the porch. He watched his wife step out, then his daughter - who for the past nine years of her twelve-year-old life, had kept her hair long. She stepped up to him, a shy smile on her lips. "What do you think, dad?"

After a moment, David found his answer. "Well, now your chores will get done a lot faster," he teased, and a smile broke out onto her face.

"I told you!" Eleanora hooted as she slipped into the house.

Ellen went up to her room, to look at herself again. All these years, there was always something that she needed to feel more comfortable in her own skin. Half of her really had just needed a change, so the short hair was an improvement. The other half of her...it was still inexplicable. Her need for these differences didn't have a name, yet they brought her peace every time. Most called her a tom-boy, whatever that meant. To her, she was just being herself. She was nearing the end of her first year of middle school, and knew that those around her might tease her.

It didn't matter, as long as she was happy.

~*~*~*~

Ellen was in the city library's bathroom, crying her eyes out. Not because she was sad, but because there was understanding that an immense weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She'd been on the verge of begging her parents for a therapist because she was so convinced there was something wrong with her. For the past two years, all she'd felt was fear and social pressure to be someone she wasn't. Her last resort had been going to the library to find the answer - she didn't own a computer, and didn't want to be at school, the one place that caused her the bulk of her anxiety.

She knew her parents were worried for her. She'd become so quiet, even in the privacy of her room. She was a stranger to herself. She felt pangs of sadness that came out of nowhere, and just didn't have the energy to pull herself out of it. Her grades had started to slip, and though her mother and father hadn't chewed her out, they were concerned.

So, to try and fix that, she'd done research. It hadn't taken long, but actually finding it and reading about it was what kept her eyes glued to the screen. She was transgender, which meant that even though she looked like a girl, she identified with being a boy. She read people's experiences and how they came to the same discovery, and it all just clicked. And to her further relief, so many people had been in her shoes. It was more common than she'd ever expected; she'd never known how to ask anyone if they struggled like she did, because it seemed like she was the only one.

It made sense, after all. Ever since she'd been little, she'd been different and misunderstood - her preference to sports or climbing trees or outdoors, wearing boy's clothes, getting her hair cut short. Some girls did these things, too, but there was something in her heart that told her she wasn't just doing this to be boyish. She was doing it because she _was_ a boy.

Once she'd calmed down a little, she walked out of the stall and looked at herself in the mirror. Besides the red-eyes and quivering lip, she felt pretty all right with herself. Things might not match on the outside, but in her heart, she could just picture this working out. She just hoped that, for this one last thing, her parents would be understanding.

When she called her father to come pick her up, he noticed the emotional drain in her voice. "What's wrong? Somethin' happen?"

"No, Dad. I...well, come pick me up, and I have something to tell you and Mom. It's good...I think..."

"Ells, what is that supposed to mean?" David grouched softly. "Are you okay?"

"Dad," Ellen sighed. "Please, just...I'm okay."

On the way home, David McCoy was not going to be convinced by his young daughter. Her eyes were still red and she looked tired, and she stayed quiet even at his probing questions. She simply insisted that she was okay, when clearly she wasn't. When they walked in, David called out to his wife. "Ellie, living room, please!"

Eleanora had been upstairs, and hurried down. "What's wrong? Ellen, what - ? Have you been crying? What happened?"

Ellen just sighed and let herself be hugged. "It's okay, Mom. I have something to tell you and Dad, okay?"

She sat her parents down on the couch, and took the comfy chair for herself as she planned out her words. After a couple of minutes, she found them and took a deep breath. "So, you know I've been having a really hard time lately. In general, I mean - school, life, work here," she added to her father. He nodded, because he'd wondered why Ellen had been having such a hard time helping him. "I've been really...confused and anxious and depressed."

"Ellen," her mother spoke softly. "This stage of life is hard. Being a teen is hard, going to school and trying to make everything work...it's harder for you kids than it was for us, in a lot of ways."

Ellen shook her head. "That's not it. I've been so...confused about who I am, and I didn't even realize it until a couple of years ago. Puberty has sucked - sorry, Dad - and it's made me question a lot of things. I've been reading about what might be the problem, and...there isn't one. Except one."

"What do you mean?" David asked.

"...I think when I was born...I was supposed to be a boy. I feel like I am a boy," she admitted, and her breath left her in a gigantic whoosh. She felt the tears prickle in her eyes, and hid them behind her hands. "Does that make sense at all? Saying it sounds so strange..."

"Oh, honey," Eleanora hushed, moving to sit at her daughter's knees. "Honey, don't cry, okay? You're saying you...identify with being a boy?"

Ellen nodded. "I mean, as long as I can remember, Mom, I just didn't know I was doing it. Not liking girly things, dressing the way I do, my hair...I did those things to stay comfortable, and it's never been enough. It's bandaged things for a while, but then there's always one more thing..."

David, after a pause, stood up and walked over to the both of them. He eased down onto the arm of the sofa chair, wrapping an arm around his daughter. "C'mere, darlin', don't cry. Is this something you're sure of?"

Ellen looked up at him with glassy eyes. "Pretty sure. Every time I think about it, it makes sense. Is it...am I wrong?" She knew she couldn't be, but she had to ask. Her parents looked at each other, then back at her.

Eleanora shook her head firmly. "There's nothing wrong with you. Never has been, never will be. If you feel like this is the answer, then it is."

Ellen looked at her for a long moment, awed. "I...I read about people who've told their parents, and...it's really sad, because sometimes they kick their kids out. Or they disown them..." She felt the emotion rise again, and her head dropped. "You still love me, right?"

Eleanora shot up to embrace her daughter tightly, feeling tears of her own form. "Ellen McCoy, we would never stop loving you. We've always accepted the changes you've made, because we know it's made you happy. Save for lately, but at least you have an answer now, right?"

Ellen just nodded, unable to form words. She cried again and let her parents hold her as long as they wanted, because that was the best thing they could do for her. They didn't reject her, or yell or say she was wrong.

After a while, David patted her shoulder. "Ellen, I have to ask you a question. It's just a suggestion, but it might help."

"Okay?" Ellen asked, wiping her eyes. They stung and felt raw, and she just wanted to sleep. "What?"

"The big discovery aside, do you think you might want to see someone about the other things? We hate seein' you so down, and getting your feelings out might help."

"Like a therapist," she said, and nodded. "I thought about asking to go see one, but I wanted...I needed to try and find the answer on my own. I think therapy will be good, though. If...you'd be okay to help me. Drive me there when I need it."

David nodded and patted her head. "Of course."

They both went with her to set everything up. There were papers to fill and insurance coverage to be confirmed, but David made sure it all went all right. Anything for his child, no matter what it took. It was worth the peace that washed over Ellen's face when the appointment was scheduled. The next day, they all drove to the office, and sat with Ellen until the assistant called her back.

The lobby was quiet, giving her parents freedom to think clearly. Eleanora was the one to start a conversation, and turned to David. "What's on your mind?"

David sat a little slumped, one ankle crossed over his knee and hands in his pockets. "Hope it works out for her."

Eleanora nodded. "What are you...feeling?"

David tossed her a smile, and reached out to take her hand. "If I needed to get my feelings out, I'd be in there, not her. I'm fine with it. You?"

"I...it surprised me. I mean, everything leading up to it makes sense, but I just thought...well, making it seem like a "phase" isn't right - because it's not."

"No, it isn't. She feels she's a boy...then she is. It's just...going to be different now, that's all."

"Better, I hope. She's been so sad, I just want to see her smile again - really smile. I miss that so much," she admitted.

David straightened up, and planted a kiss to his wife's forehead. "Me, too."

When Ellen came out more than an hour later, her parents' wish had been granted. She looked like she'd been crying again, but there was a definite, true smile on her face. As they walked out, she walked between them and held their hand. "Thank you for doing this for me."

"Did it go all right, then?" David asked.

"Yeah. Um, he said I should start with something. Another couple of changes." She paused, then looked up at them as they reached the truck. "He said that I should ask people to refer to me as a boy. He, him, his - all that."

"Okay," Eleanora decided. "It might be difficult at first, but we'll try. What else?"

"My name. He said that I should go by something I identify with more, so...how about Len? It's not too different, right?"

Eleanora looked at David. He looked back, and they seemed to be speaking without words. There was acceptance in their eyes as they both nodded. "Okay. Len, our son," David murmured.

"Our son," Eleanora echoed, bringing Len into her arms.


	2. New Home, Faces and Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len makes a decision, and with his parents' help is able to go through with it.

"Where is that boy?"

David didn't look up from his newspaper. "Nothin' we can do but wait 'til he walks through the door."

"Hush. A mother has a God-given right to worry about her son. Have some mercy, will ya?"

David chuckled. "I think that's God's department, and his given rights."

Eleanora was about to give her husband a proper response, but just then the door opened. She caught David's smirk before turning on him and hurrying into the foyer - and gasped. "You gotta be kidding me."

"Ma, it's nothing, okay?" Len mumbled, but to her it was the exact opposite. He watched her eyes scan over the damage, and was too tired to fight against her dragging him into the kitchen. "Mom..."

"No, no, I won't say nothin'. I'll just patch you up, like I always do, and..." She sighed as she pulled out the first-aid kit. "Be strong, like my Len."

Leonard pressed his finger gingerly to his cut lip, but his mother smacked it away. As she worked, he watched his father meander in, looking concerned. "Dad, it's okay."

David nodded. "If you say it is, I believe it. Where did it happen?"

Len snorted. "Behind the school, the cowards. I dunno which is worse, getting beat up, or having it stop because someone was appalled those guys hit a "girl". Ouch!" Len winced, pulling away from the disinfectant wipe.

"Sorry," Eleanora apologized. "Do you want some ice?"

"...Yeah, thanks."

David took a seat next to his son, gently clapping his shoulder. "You don't want us to talk to the school, then?"

Len sighed. He took the bag of ice from his mother, placing it over his left eye before answering. "Nah. You know how they are about me."

David nodded, irritation settling under his skin. It had been a hassle getting his son into high school, since Len's middle school record still titled him as a girl. They'd since changed his name legally, which had also been an adventure. Since Len had been a minor at the time, he'd had to have his parents with him every step of the way, signing document after document, bringing old ones in for the new ones. When the birth certificate had been changed, Len stared at it for a long time. It read the full name he'd decided to go with - Leonard McCoy. He still went by Len, as it was easiest for those who'd known him as Ellen.

When the school finally accepted Len's enrollment, it was only because of his high grades. The "situation" as it had been labeled, would be kept low-key - so long as Len kept those same grades. Now he was eighteen, in his final year of school, and he couldn't wait to graduate.

Len had tried to make things easy for everyone. He changed in the bathrooms for gym, and no matter what anyone said about his looks, he ignored them. He was boy, he just didn't look it. He could hide most of it, but his face was still feminine. Which his attackers had so graciously paid attention to today.

Those guys had gotten a couple lucky shots to the ribs, too. "Ugh, today sucked..."

"I'm sorry," Eleanora replied softly. "Are you hungry?"

"You know, I think I'm gonna lie down for a while. I'll eat later, okay?"

"But - "

"Ellie, let him go on. We'll call you for dinner."

Len nodded gratefully and headed up to his room. The first thing he did was get out of his day clothes, and out of his binder. He'd been wearing one for a couple of years now, keeping his chest flat and his story believable. He pulled it off and sighed in relief, rubbing at the sore spots and then pulling a comfy shirt back on. He hopped into his shorts and crawled into bed, letting the ice pack take care of his swollen eye. Today really had sucked.

Len ended up dozing for a bit, and was woken by his father. "Time for dinner, son."

Len yawned and stretched. The ice pack, he realized, had fallen on the floor, the ice inside completely melted and seeping through. "Oops. Thanks, dad, I probably would have slept forever."

David smiled and patted his back. "You and every other young man."

It was comforting to hear words like this. At first, things had been a little awkward, even for Len himself. Feminine terms slipped out, as did his old name and some nicknames. Soon it became natural, though, and Len knew that home was the one place he could truly be himself. His parents supported and loved him, and that was all that mattered.

Len followed his father into the kitchen, where dinner was almost ready, so he moved to set the table. Eleanora shook her head and took the empty pack from his hands. "You sit, your father'll take care of the plates. I'll fill this up for you - that eye is still swollen."

"Mom..."

"Don't 'Mom' me, mister. Just do as your told, and we'll get along fine."

David chuckled as he picked up the plates. "She's got you there, pal."

"Thanks for taking my side," Len grumbled, but he smiled. He took the fresh pack when it was brought to him, and placed it against his eye. "Soon. I'm graduating soon, and then I won't have a care in the world."

"I can't believe it's coming up so quickly," Eleanora sighed. "You realize you can take a year off before heading to Georgia State, right? You've saved enough to be able to spend a little more time with us."

Len gave a smile, but the nervousness that he hoped his parents wouldn't see laced it. "Yeah...sounds good."

He hadn't forgotten about his plans, just trying to figure out a way to tell his parents was the hard part. He decided to wait until after dinner, when they were all in the living room watching television. As another half-an-hour went by, Len was still wracked with unease. College had been his choice, something he'd told them he wanted to do after he graduated - he hadn't said 'when'.

Finally he cleared his throat. "Mom? Dad? Could I...talk to you about something?"

David reached for the remote, and turned the television off. "Sure. What's up?"

"...It's about school."

Eleanora hesitated. "Do you still want to go? You don't have to if - "

"No, it's not that," Len insisted. "I still want to go, I just want to take a different path for a bit. Change of scenery."

"You want to move?" His mother asked, looking more uncertain.

David sat up straight. "Now, let's hear him out. Len, tell us your plan, and we'll go from there."

Len paused. "Okay. I've been feeling pretty good about, you know, myself, but I want to take the next step. I've been saving up for hormone therapy - I want to look how I feel."

Eleanora bit her lip, looking down at her lap. "Well, you don't have to move, Len, honey. I'm sure we can get something set up in Atlanta..." She trailed off as she looked back up, seeing his face. "You don't want that, do you?"

"I think it's time for something different. Everyone treats me so distantly, I-I don't have close friends...I'm tired of getting beaten up. I've been looking at where a good place would be, and there's one place that just keeps calling to me."

"Where?" David asked, noticing his wife's desperate look.

"California." He got the half the reaction he'd expected, at least on his mother's part. She gasped quietly and rested her hand over her chest. David didn't seem as worried as her, just nodded. "I know it's far, but the San Francisco center is really great, and I could find a nice apartment."

"Hon, this takes a fresh start to a new level," Eleanora tried to remind him. "You don't know anyone in California..."

Len shook his head. "No, I don't." Then he smiled. "It's not so bad, Mom. I've saved up enough, and even though I'm far away, I'm still under your insurance. That doesn't mean I expect you to pay for it," he added hastily. "I'd send money home to make up for it."

Silence fell over the three of them. Len was set in his decision; He hadn't left Atlanta out of the realm of possibility, but he needed a change.

"We'll help you," David said after another minute. "We'll take care of whatever you need - moving by yourself is a little intimidating, but it's possible. Just gotta make the right phone calls and arrangements. I will say," he added sternly, "to at least spend a couple days there, just to see how it is. You might not even like it; California seems like an ideal place, but there's just as good of places closer to home."

Len nodded. "I know." He also knew this was the right decision.

~*~*~*~

Leonard McCoy did _not_ like flying, not even the second time around. As he stepped onto the escalator towards the Baggage Claim area, he'd never been more grateful for solid ground.

After graduation, Len hadn't wasted any time in taking his trip to California. He bought his own plane ticket, packed a bag for a few days, and had his father drop him off at the airport. He was fine up until the plane began to take off, and it was then that Len learned he had an immense fear of flying. It came on so quickly, the passing stewardess had hardly any time to prepare before she hurried to help the young passenger into a calm state.

It only lasted a little over four hours, but to Len it was like an eternity. Once the plane landed, Len had a nice stewardess escort him to the escalator. "Baggage claim is just down there. You sure you'll be all right?"

He'd nodded and tried to thank her. It probably just sounded like a queasy garble.

From there, it had all gone better. He had the number for a cab, called it, and took it to the motel that he'd booked beforehand. After spending the rest of the day sleeping off the jet lag, Len went apartment hunting. He'd wasted no time in looking between the three addresses he'd brought with them. The landlords had been a little uncertain of the young stranger, asking to look at available apartments all on his own, but they were helpful. Len ended up choosing one which was close to the hospital, making travel easier.

It was like the stars were aligned. He'd returned home, and begun the paperwork. Getting change of address forms, getting his driver's license renewed, and getting a note from his therapist. He would need the approval to begin the hormone treatments, so he thought it best to have it on hand now. He packed his personal belongings into two big suitcases and his backpack, and spent a few more nights with his parents. The movers had the big furniture, had been paid and already had to head out, so Len had to fly again.

The morning he was leaving officially, his mother made him a huge breakfast. He was a little uneasy thinking about the plane ride, but anything to please his sweet mother, right? They ate together, laughed, tried not to think about the coming hours. After breakfast, David glanced at his wife, who nodded. He then stood, walked over to the counter and grabbed a bag that had been sitting there unnoticed. He passed it to Len, who looked at it curiously.

"Open it," David smiled.

Len reached into the bag, paused, then pulled out the gift - it was a cellphone. "What...?"

"We want you to call us," Eleanora explained. "I mean, it's a part of your graduation present, Len. We just want everything to go so well for you, honey, and hope this will help. It's all ready to go."

Len looked up at them gratefully. "Mom, Dad, I...thank you."

David nodded. He pulled from his pocket what he'd been anxiously waiting to pull out - a plane ticket. "You bought the first one, so we took care of this one. It's the other part of your present. We should, uh, get to the airport soon - " He was cut off, as Len had stood so quickly and hugged him, he didn't even finish his sentence. "Len."

"I love you, Dad. I'll make you proud of having me as your son."

David sniffed once, blinking rapidly. "Always have been. Now go on and give your mom a hug, or she'll really lose it."

At the airport, there'd been no tears. Just happy smiles and a million 'I love you's, and waving until Len had passed the gate. He managed to survive the four-and-a-half hour trip, and now...he was here.

He was in California. "Okay," Len said after a couple of minutes. He got to his feet, pulled out his cellphone, and dialed a cab. He tugged his suitcases along, and waited outside in the fresh, summer air. The drive over was nice, and Len's stomach began to settle. Having the cellphone had been incredibly handy. David had given Len's number to the movers, and they called not long after he'd arrived at the apartment. _"We're just an hour out - nice timing, huh?"_ The man laughed.

Len smiled. "Yeah, looks like it. I'm here, so just head in when you're here. The parking garage is on the left side of the building."

_"Got it. What's your apartment number?"_

"Three-A."

Len was given his key after a friendly hello from Eric, the landlord. "Hey, Len! Looks like you made it all right. I'll help you with your cases?"

"Oh, sure," Len half-shrugged, as he was already at the elevator. "The movers should be here in an hour."

"Cool! So, what are your plans now?"

Len laughed as they stepped in, and hit the button to the third floor. "Get a job. I've been working for my Dad since I was a kid, but I don't think that looking after a farm is too common here."

Eric hummed. "Well, I know that the cafe down the street has been looking for someone. I know the owner - I could put in a good word, if you'd like."

"Oh, I appreciate it, but..." Len began. "I have to do this on my own, for my own peace of mind. Thanks, though. I _will_ try the cafe," he added, and Eric smiled.

Len was given his key, and Eric left him with the invite of asking if he needed anything. Len thanked him again, then closed his door, and looked around. The apartment was bare, but in time he'd be able to fill those spaces. For now, he headed into his bedroom, and rolled his suitcases next to the closet. He was glad he'd thought to pack his hangers, and could pass the time setting his clothes into the closet. He was busy separating the things he'd fold when a buzz echoed through the empty hall.

Len jumped slightly, but a rush of excitement hit him. Having to buzz people in was so...new. He hurried to the com and pressed the button. "Hello?"

"Movers."

Len found the button to let them in, then hurried out into the hall to greet them. As he rounded the corner to the elevator, he unfortunately ran right into someone. The guy gave a startled, "Oof!" as Len himself stepped back.

"Sorry!"

"No, I'm sorry. You okay?" The stranger asked.

Len didn't answer right away. The guy was a knockout, plain and simple. Light, short blonde hair, a bright smile, and the most blue eyes Len had ever seen. He finally had to shake himself from thought. "I'm fine, sorry," Len apologized, then moved to step around him.

"Hey, um," came the quick stammer, "you just moved in, right? Eric told me someone moved into the Three-A."

"That's me. My name's Leonard," he said, making sure to use his full name. He could see the slight surprise in those ocean eyes, and was relieved that the guy didn't seem weirded out.

"Oh, nice to meet you. I'm Jim, I just live there, in Three-B," he motioned to the door right next to Len's. "Looks like we're neighbors."

Len nodded politely. "I'll have to catch up with you later, if that's okay. The movers are here."

"Oh, um...would you like help? I just know moving in is a pain."

Len paused. He wasn't used to all this...attention. His parents and school mates had always left him to his own devices. However, he'd also been taught that when the offer came, to take it. "Okay. We'll head down together, then. Thanks."

Having an extra set of hands made getting the furniture and few extra boxes into the apartment easy. Once everything was settled in, Len thanked Jim again for his help. He extended his hand, and watched Jim's perfect smile flash across his perfect face. "Really, thanks. I appreciate it."

"Not a prob, Len, any time." Jim pulled his hand away after a moment. "Well, any time you need something, don't hesitate to knock."

Len headed down with the movers and thanked them for helping. In the lobby, he handed over the envelope he'd prepared for them. They'd driven a long way for just a few essential items, so Len had made sure to tip them well.

He knew he'd need to call his parents later, because he could just imagine his mother pacing a hole in the floor. He also knew that if he didn't make his bed, put his clothes away, and arrange his desk, he'd let his fatigue take over him and he wouldn't get it done until tomorrow. So, he started there. Once that was finished, it was almost six in the evening, and he flopped onto his bed. He closed his eyes for a few moments, a smile on his lips at all of this. He was here, living on his own - it was pretty exciting.

He'd just reached for his phone to make the call home, when there was a knock on the door. He paused, wondering if it was Eric, then decided to answer it. When he looked through the peep hole, he found that it wasn't Eric. It was Jim, and a red-haired beauty was with him. When Len opened the door, the woman gave a bright smile. Jim's was shy, almost hesitant. "Hey." Len's eyes traveled to the plate of cookies in the woman's hands, then back up.

"Hey, Len, this is Gaila, my roommate. She - well, we - thought, you might like something nice after a long day."

"Cookies are okay, right?" Gaila asked uncertainly. "If not, it's totally fine."

Len laughed. "Cookies are definitely okay, thanks. Well, I don't have a place to sit, yet..." He trailed off, glancing into his living room. He didn't want to be inhospitable.

Jim cleared his throat, and jerked his thumb to the next door down. "If you'd like, we can chill in our apartment. You look like you're falling asleep on your feet."

Len felt heat rush across his face, but he laughed tiredly. "Yeah, you could say that. Thanks, again. Seriously, I didn't expect to need so much help today."

Jim and Gaila's apartment was an exact mirror of Len's, just with furniture. Simple, not too cluttered and friendly. The apartment still smelled like cookies, and Len thought of his mother. He pulled out his phone and checked the time. He couldn't remember if it was late there, or not. Jim sat down, and invited Len to take the spot next to him. "Make yourself at home."

"I'll get milk!" Gaila offered. "Len, would you like some?"

Len smiled up at her. "Sounds good, yeah."

The cookies had been set on the coffee table, so Jim leaned forward to take one. "So, Len. Where'd you moved from?"

Len snatched a cookie of his own. It was still warm and melted in his mouth. He gave a content sigh before answering. "Georgia. Probably couldn't tell from the accent," he joked.

"I noticed it," Jim answered honestly. "Big move," he added, but he didn't ask Len to explain. "Well, seriously, if you need anything, you have a couple of friends to help. Eric's pretty cool about new people, too. Like, rent, and stuff."

Gaila headed back in, two cool glasses of milk in her hands. "Yes, he is. Do you need help with anything right now?"

Len was beside himself. No one beside his parents had ever offered so much to him. These people barely knew him, and here they were, asking him what he needed. He knew he'd be all right - find a job, earn his own way - but it was the thought that counted. _Warms my heart,_ his mother's voice echoed in his head. "I...I really appreciate it, but I'm okay for now. If I do need help, I know where to go," he smiled, and his eyes settled on Jim's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter also went a little long, because I wanted to still explain some of Len's transition, and also start getting into the story :) I've never moved to another state, so hopefully everything seemed realistic, but I did kind of want the "stars to align", as mentioned in this chapter. Get Len where he needed so he had a chance to live his own life, something that all of us want in one way or another.  
> Thank you for reading and comments!


	3. Beginning to Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len finds a job, and bonds more with Jim.

Len stepped into the cafe, immediately surrounded in the peaceful quiet of the shop. He tugged at his dress shirt once, fixed his hair for the millionth time, then stepped up to the counter. A dark-haired man walked up to him, smiling professionally. "Hello, what can I get for you?"

"Actually, I'm looking for an application," Len explained.

"Oh, great," the man looked relieved. "Let me get you one - did you want to fill it out here?"

Len smiled. "Yeah, sure."

The man nodded, then turned his attention to behind the counter. He stooped a bit, then pulled up a single sheet of paper. Then he took the pen resting on the register, and handed it over. "My name is Hikaru, if you have any questions."

"Thank you."

Len took a seat by the window, looking over what he needed to fill out. He'd written down his info on a separate piece of paper, but filling out the form was more complicated than he'd thought. He'd always just worked for his father, put the money in the bank. No papers, no questions. When he reached the reference section, he frowned. He needed three, so he figured that Jim, Gaila, and Eric wouldn't mind. They were the only people he knew here, after all.

He finished writing at last, and found Hikaru waiting for him. "Here we go."

"Thanks. Mind if I look it over real quick?"

"Oh, sure." Len felt hopeful; he was already being considered?

Hikaru's eyes flicked down to the information. He paused at one point, seemed to think, then understanding crossed his face. Len nearly asked, but he had a feeling he knew. He'd marked an "M" for his gender, something he didn't even think about now, but his face still gave him away. Hikaru, for whatever reason, didn't bring it up. He finished reading, and there was a smile on his face. "So, you're friends with Eric?"

"Yeah, he told me about this place."

"He's pretty great, tries to help out wherever he can. Well, Len, would you be available to do training the next couple of days?"

Len straightened up. "You're...hiring me?"

Hikaru nodded, and stuck out his hand. "It'll be a pleasure working with you."

"...Wow, um, thank you!"

"No problem," Hikaru assured. "Any friend of Eric's, is a friend of mine."

Len smiled. "I can come in tomorrow, if you need."

"That would be great," Hikaru replied happily. "Just bring in a couple forms of I.D., that's all. Ten o' clock sound good?"

Len was beyond happy when he left the shop. The nervousness on the way had nagged under the skin, anxieties crossing his mind every chance he gave himself. He hadn't been sure if finding work would be easy, but it seemed that, once again, someone was looking out for him. He'd never been much for God, as much as he respected his mother's beliefs, but there had to be good luck on his side right now.

He came back home after wandering in the fresh air, mostly still getting used to the streets. When he went to unlock his door, he found a sticky note attached to it, and he pulled it away. It was from Gaila:

_Hey! So, we were wondering if you wanted a fridge. Nothing huge, I promise, just something to make surviving more easy!_

Len grinned and shook his head. After the first night with his neighbors, he'd begun to think of all the essentials he needed. He still had some cash, so he bought a few plates, cups, and utensils. He could live without a fridge for a while, but if Gaila was offering, how could he say no?

Once he'd gotten into more comfortable clothes, he stepped over to knock on Jim's door. The delayed silence made him wonder if they weren't home, but the door opened and Jim was there. "Hey!"

"Hey," Len held up the sticky note. "Got the message."

Jim laughed and stepped aside. He looked like he hadn't even left home, in his most comfy clothes and thick, black glasses. "Come on in, sorry it's a mess today."

Len's eyes moved to the coffee table. There was an open laptop, and a few school books and papers. "Wow. That looks like fun."

Jim sighed as he flopped onto the couch. "Seriously isn't. Glad you came over, I needed a break."

"I didn't know you were studying," Len said as he eased onto the couch. "What's your major?"

"Oh, general classes. Mostly English-based, since I want to be an English teacher."

Len's brows raised. "That's cool. I always liked English more'n any other class."

Jim smiled over at him, like he felt reassured that he was going into the right profession. "Me, too. Hey, you want something to eat? I forget to do that when I'm trying to power through essays." He hopped up and headed for the kitchen around the corner.

Len followed him, but stayed his distance in the entry way. He was content watching Jim rummage through the fridge, like a little kid. That's how Len could describe Jim - child-like. There was a light that danced in his eyes that never seemed to go out. Definitely mischievous, but for play. "What are you in the mood for? We have sandwich meat, eggs, veggies...Gaila's idea on the last one," Jim grimaced.

Len laughed. A kid who didn't like his vegetables? Unbelievable. "Didn't your mama ever teach ya to eat your greens?"

Jim paused, just for the slightest moment. "Er, I was kind of rebellious. Gave my broccoli to the dog, all that," he laughed. Len had the feeling he'd accidentally touched on something, and felt bad. He wasn't sure if he should apologize, but Jim seemed to have moved on. "Er, I'll take a sandwich, yeah."

"Got it. Mayo, lettuce, all that?"

"Absolutely. I'm not picky."

Jim moved to the bread box, opened it, and paused. "Dammit! I knew I forgot something at the store!"

"No bread?" Len asked, moving a little closer. He stopped as Jim pulled out a loaf of wheat bread, and gave Len a look of pure annoyance. Len laughed and took it gently from his hands. "Now, Jim, wheat isn't bad for you."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Yeah, put it next to the broccoli. I'll eat it, just need to remember the good stuff next time."

Len smiled as he undid the twist-tie, and pulled out four slices. "This is the good stuff." He opted for water when Jim asked what he wanted to drink. Jim looked at him like he was crazy as he invitingly waved a root beer.

"You don't want soda?"

"Eh, soda's all right. It makes me all jittery, so it didn't help much for working. Oh," Len realized, then turned to Jim. "I got a job today."

"Really?" Jim asked excitedly. "Where?"

"The cafe a few blocks down, on third."

Jim gave a content whine as he handed the glass of water over. "Len. Do not tell me you're working at that wonderful place."

"You like it there?"

"I love it there! I haven't been down there in a while, but now I'll have more than enough reason to be there all the time!"

As Len walked with him back to the couch, he wondered what that meant exactly. Jim didn't want to stalk him, did he? Not that Len might mind - up until now he'd been convinced Jim was a model - but he wasn't sure. "So, where do you work?"

"On campus, actually, as Custodian. Nice and quiet, no one to bother me," Jim smiled.

They enjoyed a nice lunch, chatted a bit more about themselves. Jim was from Iowa, and had moved here just the previous year. Len snorted and folded his arms. "Jeez, you almost moved as far as I did!"

Jim ducked his head and smiled. "Yep. Gaila was the first one I met, really helped me out in getting settled. I guess that's why I felt I wanted to help you - you kind of looked as lost as I did," he laughed.

Len blushed, and instead of responding bit into his turkey sandwich.

They were just finishing up when Gaila walked in. She was dressed in her work clothes - she worked in a restaurant - and looked a little tired out, but she brightened at the sight of her guest. "Hi, Len! You got my message?"

"Sure did."

"What do you think? No pressure, just an offer."

Len stood and stretched. "No, it's great, thanks. Mind my asking from whom?"

"Oh, a couple of friends of ours. They just got a new one, and told me they were going to post an ad - no charge, by the way."

Len frowned. He hadn't expected that. "Gaila, wait - " He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to face Jim.

"Len, no worries, okay?"

"Well," Len insisted, "I don't...it's not that I don't appreciate it, but I can earn my own way. I was raised that way, and don't expect to not work for my belongings."

A sweet smile flashed onto Jim's face. "Getting it into the apartment will be work enough, trust me."

Len shot a suspicious look at Gaila, who turned her gaze away innocently. "I thought you said it wasn't huge."

She shrugged. "I meant it wasn't a huge deal. The actual fridge is another story..."

"All right, all right. When should I go get it, and from whom?"

Jim and Gaila shared an amused look, like a joke Len thought he'd missed. Gaila just shook her head. "Please, Len. The coddling will stop soon, I promise. But don't think you're going by yourself to get a fridge and move it between apartments."

Jim nudged Len lightly. "I dunno Gaila, you might want to keep spoiling Len, once you find out where he got a job..."

Gaila's head turned quickly. "Where? Wait, you got a job?"

Len just laughed. He could tell that he was going to stay good friends with these two. "Yeah. At the cafe on third. "

"On third?! I love that place! Oh, God, Jim, we have to go again!"

Jim gave Len a look, and smiled his brilliant smile.

The next day, Len reported for work, as scheduled, with all the information he needed. Once that was taken care of, Len was handed an apron. "We have uniforms, but today you're fine. Just wear black pants, socks, shoes, all that. The shirt and tag will be provided."

He was also introduced to the two other coworkers there - two women, a little older than Len, named Jade and Laura. Laura was the assistant manager, and Jade had been working there six months. There were three other coworkers, two men and another young woman, but Len wouldn't see them today.

Len was a little nervous with the register. It was a touch screen, which he was not used to. He caught on fairly quick with basic orders, but when the special ones started piling in, he felt a little flustered. He tried his best to apologize and smile, but even the "I'm new" excuse wouldn't soothe a few sour faces.

Hikaru hovered close by, patient and pleasant, and very helpful. He took care of some of the drinks, and when there were no customers he taught Len clean up procedures for down time. Around one o' clock, he finally announced, "Break time."

Len looked up at him from sweeping. "You sure?"

Hikaru smiled. "Yeah, go on. You look a little tired, too - did you sleep okay?"

"Oh, yeah, just...missed breakfast." In truth, he had, and he needed to go grocery shopping with the last of his money. It also had to last another week and a half, but he knew he'd be all right."

Hikaru smiled and surprised him. "Well, go on and sneak a pastry or two, if you'd like. I won't tell anyone - that's what's great about being the boss."

Len finished his shift around four. He'd given his number to Jim and Gaila, and received theirs, and there was a text from Jim. **:Hope the first day went okay. Call me when you're done:**

Len smiled softly, reading the words a couple of times over. Len wouldn't admit it, but he sort of had begun a small crush on his neighbor. Obvious good looks aside, of course, Jim was sweet and caring. It meant a lot to Len. He dialed Jim's number, then waited only a couple of rings before Jim answered. _"Hello!"_

"Hey, Jim, got your text; I'm heading home now."

_"Cool! How'd it go?"_

"A little stressful, but okay, thanks."

 _"You'll get it. So, um...we already have the fridge here. We're in the lobby,"_ Jim laughed. _"Eric is teasing us about having a damn fridge in the lobby."_

Len chuckled. "Well, I'd imagine so! I'll be there soon, don't you dare take it up without me."

When Len walked in, he found Jim, Eric, Gaila, and two other people were standing next to a hefty looking refrigerator. _Jesus H. Christ._ "Hey, Jim," he called.

Jim walked up to him. "Hey! Okay, firstly, this is Nyota and Spock," he motioned to the woman and man respectively. Nyota gave him a polite smile. Spock seemed passive, though equally as polite. Nyota shook Len's hand when he offered it to her.

"Nice to meet you. Well, this is the fridge, I hope it's not too much."

"Pleasure, Nyota. I'm Leonard," he introduced. He shook Spock's hand, who gave a nod and only a hint of a smile. Was he always so serious? "No, it's great, really. I just moved here and these three have done nothing but make sure I've been taken care of. So, thank you," he added. "So, who goes up with it first? Besides me," he added, giving Jim a look.

Jim grinned. "I will! They'll head up next."

The machine was already on a dolly, so Jim and Len tilted it back, with Len taking the back side into the small space. He didn't really like it, but as long as Jim was with him, it was fine. Jim hit the elevator button, and shimmed around to meet Len. "Hey."

Len laughed nervously. "Hey. Y'know, they don't have to come up, if they don't want to."

Jim shrugged. "They will. They want to make sure you're all right just as much as we do. And seriously, we do."

"I..." Len placed his hand against the back of his neck. "I know. I really appreciate it, too. I'm just used to, uh, not keeping close ties. If you understand."

Jim nodded seriously, looking away. "Yeah, I do."

The elevator chinked, so Jim moved back out to pull the cargo out. They wheeled it to Len's door, where he unlocked it and slipped in. They managed to get the fridge in place easily, so they had a few moments before the others arrived. "So," Len began, leaning on the counter. There'd been a question weighing on his mind, but not so heavy he'd be down if he was right. "You and Gaila. Dating?"

Jim blinked. He didn't answer for a moment, then gave a strange laugh. "Oh. No, well, it's...I thought you might pick up on it."

"What?" Len frowned.

"...I'm gay."

Len straightened up. "You are? I mean, sorry, I didn't mean - "

"No, it's okay!" Jim insisted. "I...actually haven't been out that long. Gaila's the second person I told. So, we'd never be together. It's really like living with a sister."

"Ah, okay. Sorry I asked, I was just...curious."

Jim opened his mouth to respond, but there was a knock on the door. Len had left it open, but Gaila and the others only wandered in when invited. Gaila looked dejected as she observed the fridge. "That easy, huh?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "We're not sissies."

Gaila pouted and folded her arms. "Well, neither are we!"

Len watched the exchange between the friends in amusement. Before Nyota and Spock left, Nyota left her number with Len, just in case. "We should get together some time, go out for lunch!"

Len smiled. "Yeah, that sounds good." _As soon as I have some money to spare, dammit._

Gaila offered to walk Nyota and Spock down, thus leaving Jim and Len alone once more. Len looked at the towering fridge, scratched his head, and opened it up. "Crimeny. Looks like I'm in for a trip to the store. Jim?" He looked over. "You want to come with?"

Jim brightened. "Yeah! We can go to the one down the street, it's super cheap."

Being late afternoon, the store wasn't crowded. Len had written a list before they'd left, so he eyed it as he and Jim shuffled down the aisles. So far they had a couple loaves of wheat bread, apples, carrots and lettuce, lunch meats and mayonnaise. Jim's inner child was back, pushing the cart with one foot then hopping onto the bottom rack for a quick ride. Once he nearly crashed into the canned soups, he decided to reign it in a bit. "So, what's next?"

"Um, just milk and butter, looks like."

Jim scrunched his nose. "Come on. No cookies? Anything sweet?"

Len laughed. "Jim, I don't really eat junk food. Besides, I don't really have the finances to spend loosely. Just enough to survive, that's all."

They reached the refrigerated area, where Len pulled out the milk he wanted and set it in the cart. "Well, that's it. Let's go before you try to tempt me again," he added slyly.

Jim just grinned. "I would never."

They brought the items to the check out, then bagged their items and headed out. Neither of them had a car, but the walk wasn't far and the company was good. Len told a bit about working for his dad, living in Georgia and missing it terribly. "It's still weird, waking up in a new place. Same bed, different walls. Different space...no parents. I worry about them."

Jim's face became serious. "If they're anything like you, they should be fine. They're happy for you, right?"

"Right."

"That's all that matters, then."

Len nodded. They stepped into the cool lobby of their apartment, making towards the elevator with their groceries. "What about you, Jim? Your mom and dad miss you?" He'd meant it kindly, but he watched as, almost instantly, Jim's handsome face fell, and he looked away. "...Jim?"

"Mom and...stepdad," Jim said finally. The small space of the moving elevator suddenly seemed smaller. "My dad died right before I was born."

"...Shit. Sorry, Jim, I didn't mean - "

Jim shook his head. "No, don't even worry - I can't be sad over someone I never knew. Frank, my stepdad is...difficult. Part of the reason I left." After a moment, Jim heaved a deep breath and seemed to shake it off. "And now I met you, so it's all good!"

It seemed to be the end of that conversation, and Len was glad for it. He didn't want to make either of them uncomfortable again. They stepped into his apartment and set the bags onto the counter, with Jim handing Len items.

"So, Len," Jim began, "are you seeing anyone?"

Len looked over his shoulder. Blinked. "Uhhh...huh?"

Jim cracked a smile. "I meant back in Georgia. Anything long distance?"

"Ohh! No," Len laughed. "I've never, uh, pursued that. Kind of kept to myself most of the time. You?"

Jim handed him the bag of apples next. "No, not right now. Last relationship was draining and frustrating - I'm kind of off the prowl, so to speak."

"Ah." Len shut the fridge, and set the bread over on the counter. He had a passing thought that a microwave might be the next step. "No prospects, hm?"

Jim shrugged, looking thoughtful. "Ehh, I've got a couple, I think. Nothing even close to something happening, but we'll see."

Len smiled over at Jim, and his heart leaped when Jim smiled back. "You should go for it, Jim. You deserve it."

"You think so?"

Len moved back over to him, and patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Absolutely." As he let his hand drop, he may have noticed how Jim's hand briefly brushed against his.

From Jim's shy smile, he'd noticed, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, here we go :) I was a little uncertain how to end that, but I have fun stuff planned for next chapter. More of the Star Trek family will be making appearances! I love them all together, and couldn't imagine a universe with a single one of them not part of it.


	4. First Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len gets his first shot, and has a realization.

Len worked hard for the next two months. Took extra shifts, stayed late, came in early, and did everything one could expect out of a good employee. A new young man named Pavel was hired on; he was brilliant, sweet, and seemed to stick to Karu like a lost puppy. It would take a fool to miss the obvious spark between them..

Soon it was fall time, the air cooling and much different than Georgia. Len had been calling his parents twice a week. They missed him, said it was still strange to have him so far away. Believe Len, it was hard for him, too. They sounded like they were doing good, though.

_"Are you going to start therapy soon?"_ His father asked one phone call. _"Just wonderin' when to set everything up with the insurance."_

"Yeah, I think I'll schedule an appointment tomorrow actually. I've been saving up - " He tried to add in.

_"Len, I know you have. Just hold onto that money, okay? I'll let you know how it's going."_

That meant, don't worry at all, end of discussion. "Okay. Well, I'll call the place in a bit, and let you know how it goes."

_"Okay. Take care, Len. Your mom says she loves ya."_

"I love you, too."

The first step was letting Hikaru know. Over the last few weeks, his boss had finally started asking a few questions. Nothing too invasive that left Len feeling outed, just out of curiosity. Karu was respectful about Len's decision, and that meant a lot.

Len promptly scheduled his appointment. He'd brought in his letter from his therapist, giving the doctor the okay to begin blood work. Then came several other doctor's visits, and Len tried his best to be patient. Finally after the second week, he was given the go-ahead to begin. He would start the shots in a couple of days, and it was suddenly an incredibly nerve-wracking thought.

The night before, he just couldn't sleep. Dozed off a couple of times, but that was as far as things went. He spent a full fifteen minutes staring absently at his ceiling before getting up. He wandered into the kitchen, aimlessly trying to subdue his anxious thoughts. Then he shuffled into the bathroom and flipped the light on. Under the bright glow, he looked at himself in the mirror. Turned his head side to side, ran his hands over his soft face and small body. He'd always been tall, almost too tall when he'd gone by Ellen.

Thinking of her just made him groan in frustration, and he turned away from his reflection. He found his way over to Jim and Gaila's, and knocked quietly on their door. It was a little late, but Gaila opened the door, looking wide awake. "Len, come on in!"

Len stepped in, and noticed a new face. A blonde, young woman with a friendly smile. She stood and made her way over to Gaila, standing close. "So, you're the famous Len I've heard all about."

Len glanced at Gaila. "Famous, huh?"

"Only that you work at the most amazing cafe. This is Carol," Gaila smiled tenderly at her friend. "Kind of pretty much dating - it's been low key until now." Oh, girlfriend.

"Nice to meet you, Carol. Um, Gaila, is Jim...?"

"I'll go get him, okay? Make yourself at home."

Carol laced her hand in with Gaila's, and waved a small goodbye. Jim wandered out not soon after, rubbing at his eyes. "Hey, you."

Len looked up at him worriedly. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry..."

"No, don't worry. I needed to get up anyways, I crashed after taking a test today. I hate tests so bad..." Jim groaned, plopping down next to Len. He was still sleepy, so he rested his head against Len's shoulder. Len didn't mind. They'd gotten quite a bit closer even in the last while. Jim had kept true to his promise, visiting Len on his breaks and keeping him updated about life - which mostly involved school.

"How'd the test go?" Len asked after a minute.

Jim shrugged. "I'll know on Monday. Fall break is soon, I'm so looking forward to it. So, what's up?"

"Well, I'm..." Len started, but he clapped his mouth shut again. Even with Jim, he didn't really talk much about his transition plans. Not that he was ashamed, but that it was so personal that even he couldn't understand all of it. "I'm starting hormone therapy tomorrow. Getting my first shot and everything."

Jim's head raised. "Yeah? Well, that's good, right?"

"Yeah, just...nervous. This is a huge change, and the most drastic I've done yet." He paused, but Jim didn't say anything. He was giving Len the chance to speak. "I mean, I've felt so...messed up most of my life. Instead of bra shopping, I got a binder to hide what I hated." He rubbed across his chest. "Come next year, I'll look like someone completely new."

"You're still _you_ , though," Jim replied softly. "You'll feel better about yourself. And Gaila and I will be here for you, no matter what."

Len smiled. "I know that. Just nervous, that's all."

"It's okay," Jim reassured, and rested his head back where it'd been before. "It'll be just fine."

"Yeah," Len decided to agree. After a beat of silence, he spoke again. "Jim?"

"Mm?"

"Could I stay over tonight? Sleep out here, I mean?"

Jim looked up at him, and for a few long moments they remained in extremely close proximity. "Of course. I'll get some blankets for you."

Jim hurried to get them. When he returned, he also had a pillow which he set on the couch. "What time is your appointment?"

Len began to settle down. "Nine in the morning." He pulled the blanket over him, and caught a faint scent that he recognized - Jim's. It was comforting. As was the gentle brush of fingers against his hair as Jim stood over him.

"Okay, I'll be up by then. I'll go with you, okay?"

Len looked up at him gratefully. "Okay. That'd be great, Jim. Goodnight."

"Night, Len."

Len finally got to sleep after that. Knowing Jim was just down the hall, lulled Len into sleep. He wasn't sure how long he'd been out before he was waking up again, blinking in the dark room. The sun was peeking through the balcony's curtains, but it was faint.

Jim wandered out into the living room not long after that. Len sat up just as Jim peeked around the couch to check on him. "Hey, Jim."

"You're up already," Jim murmured, rubbing his eyes. "You sleep okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

Jim yawned and nodded. "Like a baby, as usual. So, what's the plan? You want breakfast before we head out? It's almost seven thirty."

Len thought on it, then shook his head. "No, I'm okay, thanks. Maybe after I get the shot, we could go to lunch."

Jim eased onto the arm of the couch, tucking his hands into his sweatshirt pocket. He took a moment before answering. "You shouldn't do anything you're not ready for. I'm here for you, though." He looked at Len, and gave a smile that Len's heart just wasn't ready for this early. He could feel himself blush and looked away, nodding.

"Yeah. Um, I should probably get ready. We can meet in the lobby?" He suggested.

Jim smiled at him in agreement. "Sure. Eight thirty?" He saw Len to the door, patting his shoulder a final time. As Len closed his apartment door behind him, he leaned against it and ran a hand over his heart. What did Jim think he was doing to him? Len had never felt like this about anyone. He tried not to fixate on it as he showered, then dressed and read a book to pass the remaining time.

When eight-thirty rolled around, Jim was waiting for Len in the lobby. Dressed warmly, he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. He grinned brightly at Len as they headed out. "Today's a good day, huh?"

Len nodded. It was now sunny with clearer skies than it'd been for a couple of weeks now. The walk over to the clinic Len had decided on was a nice one, with Jim chatting to Len to keep him focused. In the lobby of the clinic, it was quiet. Only a couple other people were there, about the same age as Len. He signed in and took a seat, with Jim in the one right next to him.

It wasn't long before one of the nurses called out, "Leonard McCoy?"

Len jumped up, an nearly began to hurry over. Feeling Jim's hand on his arm stopped him. Jim looked up at him and murmured, "Want me in there?"

"Oh. No, Jim, it's okay. Should be out in a bit, okay?" _I have to do this first one alone,_ he wanted to say. Jim had been nothing but great since day one, so Len didn't want to disappoint him. Jim just nodded and let him go.

The next procedure was like any other doctor's visit he'd had until now - getting his weight and temperature checked, then waiting just a bit for the doctor to arrive. There was a knock on the door, and Len turned to greet the doctor he'd chosen for this entire part of his transition. The man's name was Doctor Scott; he was Scottish, brash and kind at the same time, and so far had always put a smile on Len's face. He preferred his patients called him 'doc', or, 'Scotty'. "Hello, lad, how are ya today?"

"Good, doc, thanks," Len shook his hand. "Ready to start."

"Aye, I'd imagine so. Well, everything goin' well? Your chart says you're ship-shape."

"Yeah, just a little nervous." Len moved over to the examination chair, trying not to mess up the paper draped over it. It crinkled as he shifted, but he finally settled in and relaxed.

"Right," Scotty slipped a pair of gloves over his hands. "Now, I'd like to go over a few things with ya, lad, before we do shots," he winked.

"Like, changes?"

"Aye. Firstly, don' jump the gun on anythin' - this is a slow, steady process that'll take a while for visual results, but I can give you the first few months. The testosterone will go through your system, and the first thing ya might notice is an itchiness in your voice. Your vocal chords are thickening, your voice dropping. It may not happen, but I can almost guarantee that one. The scratchy feeling should go away within the first few shots. The next is that you're gonna start feeling lots of energy.

"You're in pretty good shape," he added encouragingly, "but putting an exercise routine into your day will help you, and help you sleep better."

Len had been nodding periodically as he listened. When the doctor asked if there were any questions, Len shook his head this time. "If anything comes up, I'll call you."

Scotty nodded, and it seemed to finalize the conversation. Len watched as the doctor prepared the syringe, and took a steadying breath. He held it as the first shot was administered, and pushed it out in a giant whoosh. Scotty patted him on the shoulder and smiled. "There, lad, we're just beginning."

"Yeah. Thanks, doc."

Len was schedule to come in every week. The dosage, Scotty explained, was lower, but weekly appointments meant a more steady adjustment to the hormones. He reminded Len about exercise and general health all around, then let him back out into the waiting area. Jim was there, waiting for him.

"How'd it go?"

"Good," Len answered. "Yeah, good," he smiled.

Now that Len's stomach no longer felt like a giant knot, he suggested a late breakfast. They went to the Subway in the shopping area of the plaza, and found a seat by the window. Jim dug into his sandwich before asking how it went.

Len explained just what the doctor had told him. "I think it's going to be an adjustment, for sure. Not really looking forward to trying to fit in exercise..."

"Why don't we go running together?"

Len looked over at him. "You...want to go running?"

Jim shrugged. "Sure. I used to run all the time, back home. Got here and jumped right into school, so it's been pretty hectic. Everyone needs a running partner, right?" He grinned, then took a sip of his soda.

Len mimicked him with his water, and nodded. "Thanks, Jim. What time would we go out, though? I work most mornings and you work most nights."

Jim pursed his lips for a moment. "Well, we could just go early, I guess. I'm willing if you are. I'm sure you'll need some outlet pretty soon, right?"

That was true. Len had always had just the right amount of energy to spend, and now he was going to have too much. Having Jim around would at least help.

Within two days, the subtle changes began. Len woke up with a strange feeling tucked against his throat, and coughed. It definitely itched and was just plain uncomfortable. He was trying to look through his cupboards for something when there was a knock on his door.

It was Jim, dressed in his running shorts and sweatshirt. "Morning!"

"Hey," Len replied, clearing his throat heavily. "Sorry, come on in."

Jim frowned as he stepped inside. "You're not sick are you?"

"No, just an itchy throat, from the shot."

"Oh, right! You...still want to go running?"

Len smiled and nodded. "Yeah, just give me a second to get ready."

They decided to run down to the park, just a couple miles away. The park had a track wrapped around it, and Len and Jim crossed paths with a couple other runners along the way. The sun was out now, and it wasn't long before Jim slowed to pull his sweatshirt over his head. Len paused with him, and his eyes couldn't help but trail down to the exposed skin as Jim's shirt went up with it. He raised his eyes by the time Jim pulled the hoodie off, and they started off again.

"You lookin' forward to break?" Len asked after a second.

Jim nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yeah. I have a couple of tests next week that I'm just so looking forward to finishing them."

"Well, good luck. Tests are stressful, but I'm positive you'll do okay."

"Yeah?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, you're smart, Jim. You can handle it."

"...Thanks, Len."

They slowed their run to a jog on the way home, and were happy to take the elevator once there. They said goodbye out in the hall, then slipped into their own apartments. Len showered quickly, then dressed for work and headed back out. During his shift, he realized that the morning run had distracted him from his throat. Now that he was just standing behind the counter, it was all he could think about.

Karu noticed when he started clearing his throat again. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sorry," Len apologized. "The, uh, hormones."

"Ohh, gotcha."

It was slow for a Saturday, so Len found himself going over tasks two or three times. He was happy to take a break from that when the door opened. He'd been sweeping, but he turned to greet the customer. "Hello, how are - oh, hey, Jim."

Jim was smiling as he made his way over. He had a thermos in hand, which Len assumed to be coffee. "Hey! Have you gone on break yet?"

"Uh, it's about that time. I'll check with Karu first."

Hikaru was fine with it. "I'll hold the fort down against the masses," he laughed, waving to the empty cafe. Len thanked him and took a seat across from Jim at their usual table.

Jim surprised him by passing over the thermos. "Thought this might help your throat."

Len took it carefully. "...What is it?"

"It's honey, lemon and ginger tea. Might soothe the discomfort a bit."

Len smiled over at him. "You made it?"

Jim gave a hesitant shrug. "Yeah, I hope it turned out all right. I'm not much for honey, but I thought you might be."

Len got up and retrieved one of the small cups behind the counter. He opened the thermos and poured a bit in, then took a sip. It tasted a little strong on the lemon, but the desired effect was accomplished. Len felt some of the irritation wash away as he drank. "Wow, thanks, Jim."

"It's good, then?"

"Oh, yeah, totally. That means a lot, that you thought of me..." Len knew he was blushing, and ducked his gaze. "I really appreciate it." He looked up at Jim when Jim's hand slipped over his.

"Good. You shouldn't have to go through a hard time, and...I want to help. You're my friend - really good friend."

Len's heart skipped a few beats. He was unable to utter another word, so he settled with drinking more of the tea. Jim stayed with him through his break, then he had to get back to work. Jim waved goodbye at the door, then headed out. Len just took his previous place behind the counter, staring after him. He was brought out of thought when Karu tapped his shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I..."

Karu smiled tenderly at him. "He really likes you, you know."

Len blinked. "What...? What do you mean?"

"I mean, he likes you. _Like_ likes you, Len."

Len's breath hitched. "N-No, no, he...he can't, I mean..." He shook his head.

"What's wrong?"

Len bit his lip, and motioned to his face. "I still look...like a girl." Even as he said it, it sounded ridiculous, but he truly felt self-conscious about it. Karu gave him a look. "He wouldn't be attracted to me that way."

"Seriously, Len? How you look isn't what's bringing Jim back all the time. It's _you_ , your personality! You're quiet at first, but when people get to know you they like what you give. Everyone loves you here, and Jim really likes you. You should go for it."

"I-I...don't know."

"Well, think about it, at least. You can't see how you look when you're with him, but I do. You like him, too."

Later that night, Len called his parents. He was feeling the need to cuddle up with them, missing the late night talks on the couch they used to have. Calling was the best he could do. His father was the one to answer. _"Hello?"_

"Hey, it's Len."

_"Hi, kiddo. You doin' okay? You sound a little down."_

Len gave a quiet laugh. He was in bed, wrapped up and clutching his pillow. "A little. You remember me tellin' you about Jim?"

A pause. _"Yeah, I think I do. The college kid, right?"_

"Yep. We've been getting close, and...I really like him, I just don't know if he likes me back. I think he does."

_"Hm. You wanna talk to Mom about this?"_

Len laughed freely now. Things like this had always been an unreachable subject for his father. "Sure, but I like talkin' to you, too! What do you think I should do?"

_"Uhh, well...Len, you've never had a problem goin' for what you wanted. If you think it's mutual, you can never have too much happiness."_

Len nodded to himself, pulling the pillow closer. "How did you ask Mom out?"

There was a silent beat, and then his father chuckled. _"Well, that's a story, isn't it? Let's see...we met in a park, actually. I thought - and still do - she was the prettiest gal I'd ever laid eyes on, and I just walked over to her and told her so."_

Len's jaw dropped. "What did she say?"

_"She thought I was bold - she liked that. We went walking and somehow it just kind of fell into place. We later learned that we'd both been pretty lonesome, and having each other just seemed like the best cure."_

"That's how I feel about Jim. I don't feel alone when I think of him - especially not when I'm with him. He makes me feel pretty special."

_"There you go, then. Just see how it goes, and if it heads in the right direction, take it together. You deserve to be happy, Leonard."_

"...Thanks, Dad. Thanks for listening."

_"Any time, son. Now, here's your Ma, she's over here all teary-eyed - "_

_"David McCoy, hush up!"_ Len heard his mother's voice, and laughed. _"Honey, how are you? Do you feel a little better now?"_

"Yeah, I do. So, Dad swept you off your feet in one shot, hm?"

_"Oh, yes,"_ she sighed. _"Just use that McCoy charm, darlin', you'll have that boy in no time."_

Len wasn't sure, but he answered back, "Thanks, Mom. I love you two, miss you."

_"Love you, too, sweetheart. Get some sleep."_

Len hung up after that, and settled back down into bed. He thought of today's events, his feelings for Jim, and that brought a blush to a face. He grinned despite himself and buried his face into his pillow. So he liked Jim - he was perfectly okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun! I loved writing how thoughtful Jim was with the tea, it was just a cute idea that popped into my head. And I loved writing David and Ellie's back story, because they are just the cutest. Bones' dad just using his charm to sweep the lady off her feet with a smile = love!   
> I added new tags, and decided to let you know the chapter before when tags will be added, which is the case for chapter five. So get in the habit, because some in the future may be a little triggering.


	5. Holiday Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim struggles to find the right timing in admitting his feelings to Len.

Jim stepped out from the shower, wrapping his towel around his waist. He used a smaller one to dry his hair and body, feeling refreshed after his run with Len. It was mid-November now, so getting out and going was a little more difficult - both of them would just rather spend time snuggling under a blanket with a good movie. Jim was getting scruffy, too, so he lathered up and shaved before leaving the bathroom.

He got dressed, then settled down on the couch with his math book and determined to finish his homework. Gaila was in the kitchen with Carol, doing the dishes from breakfast. Jim tuned out most of the conversation until he heard a few key words.

" - Not sure if Len will want to come."

Jim looked up. "What about Len?"

Gaila peeked her head around the corner. "Do you think he'll want to spend Thanksgiving with us?"

Jim blinked. It had crossed his mind, but more of an assumption that Len would just show up as he always did. "Uh, I haven't asked."

Gaila sighed. "Get on it, Jim! We want to have an extra place set just in case."

Nyota and Spock were coming, as they had last year when Jim had just moved in. Christmas had been the same, and Jim wanted Len to feel just as welcome. Carol popped up behind Gaila, resting her chin on the redhead's shoulders. "Ask him, before he makes plans. He shouldn't be alone for the Holidays."

Jim closed his book, getting the hint. "Fine, I'll ask right now, enough guilt trip!" He turned away from Gaila and Carol's victorious smirks. He was stubborn, but when it came to matters concerning Leonard McCoy, Jim was a lovesick pushover. He stepped out into the hall and noticed Len just turning the corner to the elevator. He hurried to catch up and called out to him.

"Len, wait up!"

Len turned in surprise. He was buttoning the last button on his black over-shirt, his apron slung over his shoulder. Jim took just a moment to take in the sight; Len looked way too cute today. His therapy seemed to be going well, because there was the tiniest, slightest change in his appearance. Not by much, but Jim was beginning to see the picture. "Hey, Jim."

"I have a question for you. Could I ask on the way down?"

Len nodded as they stepped into the small space. "What's on your mind?"

"Um, what are your plans for Thanksgiving?"

Len had just slipped on his apron, but he paused in tying it. "Oh. I...didn't make plans, actually. I really wanted to go home, but I can't stop my doctor's appointments right now."

Jim could see the conflict on his face. Len loved his parents and it was hard to be far away; Jim didn't quite understand, but he could empathize. "Did you want to have dinner with us? Nyota and Spock will be there, too."

"Are you sure?" Len asked in wonder.

Jim just brought him into a one-armed hug. "Of course, why the hell would we want you to be alone?"

Len's expression softened, and he returned the hug. "Okay, then. Your place on Thanksgiving. Jim?"

The elevator chinked, and the two stepped out, still hooked together. "Yeah, Len?"

"Was it hard for you last year? Being away from home?"

Jim took a minute before answering. He swung his other arm around to fully embrace Len, then whispered, "Not as hard as it is for you. That's what we're here for, though. You're not alone, Len." He felt Len lean further into him, nestling his cheek into the crook of Jim's neck.

"You always say the right thing."

Jim smiled and pulled away. "Lots of practice. Go on, have a good day at work." He watched after Len until he was out of sight, then turned and headed back up. When he walked into his apartment, he flopped onto the couch, face down, and buried his face into the throw pillow. He ground out a sigh.

"Jim? What happened?" Gaila asked worriedly.

Jim looked up at her seriously. "I'm in love."

She blinked, then seemed relieved. "Oh. I thought something was wrong."

Jim flipped onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. "Is it okay?" He felt the couch dip as Gaila sat down next to him. "He's like, one of my best friends."

"Well," Gaila sighed dramatically, "it was only a matter of time before my replacement came walking in," she winked, and laughed as Jim tossed his pillow at her. "Hey!"

"Not helping. What do I do?"

"Jim, honey, you need to tell him."

Jim soured a bit, turning onto his side. "Yeah, because that worked out so well last time."

Gaila shook her head, and leaned down to hug him. "No. Len is different, and you know it. He would never lay a hand on you, unless it were completely in a loving way. You need to give yourself a chance - you deserve so much more than what you give yourself. You're a little self-destructive sometimes, Jim," she added. "None of us want to see you crash, especially not Len. Is he coming to dinner with us?"

Jim glanced up at her. "Yeah."

"You should ask him then! The holidays are really sentimental, and great times to get together, especially if it's as good a relationship as you two have. Don't you see it?"

Jim didn't see it, because he wasn't on the outside. He could feel it, though, every time he looked at Len. They just clicked, and when Len was around, everything was okay. "Yeah, I get you. You think I should ask him out?"

"Totally. You'll be a good support to him right now. Besides," she added with a smile, "we love seeing that dorky grin on your face when he's in the same room as you. It's contagious."

"Shut up!" Jim half-whined, half-laughed, hiding his blush behind the pillow. She rested her head on his chest, and he brought her into his arms. "I love you. What would I do without you?"

"Oh, good, I'm still useful," she smiled happily.

Thanksgiving weekend finally arrived, and Jim was a nervous wreck. Gaila and Carol finally kicked him out of the kitchen because he was pretty much useless. He was stuck watching the New York Parade, dressed in his nice clothes and wishing Len was here already. Suddenly Spock wandered in, and sat down next to him. "Hey. They kick you out, too?"

Spock shook his head. "No. I finished with what Nyota asked me to do; You seemed as if you needed company."

Spock was a little strange, but since Nyota doted on him, Jim was all right with the guy. He was polite and quiet, exact and sometimes told people what they needed to hear, rather than wanted. Jim had a feeling that was about to happen. "Yeah, sure."

"What is causing your nervousness?"

Jim clasped his shaking hands together. "Well, I really like Len."

Spock raised a brow. "That much is obvious. The few times we've all been out to lunch with him, he is all you are focused on."

 _Oh, good, I'm obvious._ "Ugh, great. I want to ask him out, and I just don't know how to do it."

Spock seemed to choose his words before answering. "Simply _doing_ sometimes is easier than one would think. When I first asked Nyota to date me, I didn't think it did not work out. As it were, she had felt the same about me all along - we just needed the confidence to admit that. You and Leonard already have a close relationship."

Jim stared at him. Spock could be a profound bastard when he wanted to be, couldn't he? "Wow. Er, thanks, Spock. I'll...keep that in mind."

There was a knock on the door not long after. Jim hurried to answer it, and upon seeing Len, put on his best smile. "Len! Happy Thanksgiving!"

~*~*~*~

So, the day of thanks had not been the day of asking people out. No matter how many times Jim tried to form the words, they got jumbled and scattered until he couldn't think properly. Dinner went well, and Len looked happy, so that was okay. Jim figured that he could try again come Christmas time.

The universe, as it would have it, was not as compliant as Jim's determination.

He was much more confident in asking Len to a Christmas party at Nyota and Spock's place, certain that Len would have no qualms against going. He could almost feel that confidence shatter as Len's face fell. "I planned to go home, Jim."

Jim tried not to just crumple in a ball right there. They were on the couch in his place, with Jim's arm wrapped comfortably around Len. It was like they were already in a relationship, doing some things actual couples did. They just hadn't made anything official. "Oh, that's okay, then."

Len wasn't convinced, and looked extremely apologetic. "I'm so sorry, Jim, I didn't even think - "

"No, it's really okay, Len," Jim promised. In a way, it was.

"See, I'm going to the doctor's on Thursday, then head home for the week. I'd be back the twenty-seventh. I just...realized I didn't want to be away from my parents for Christmas. It's our favorite holiday."

"I understand, Len, I do," Jim continued. "If you're going home to family, that's even better. I'll call you Christmas day, if you want, and we can talk for a bit."

Len looked at him, the conflict back in his eyes. Finally he nodded and flopped his head down onto Jim's chest. "Really am sorry."

Jim fought the temptation to kiss the top of his head. "Nothing to be sorry for."

Len took care of his appointment, then as planned on Thursday, he had a bag packed. Gaila offered to drive him to the airport, so he wouldn't have to worry about a cab. Jim, of course, went with. At the airport, after Len had gotten his ticket, they shared a long hug goodbye. "I really don't wanna fly," Len laughed quietly.

Jim patted Len's back. "You'll be okay, I promise. Call me when you get in, okay?"

"I will," Len promised, and broke away at last to hug Gaila. Then he turned, headed past the gate, and was gone.

Jim felt tears of frustration and blinked them away. "Dammit, dammit, dammit." He let Gaila pull him into a hug. "This totally isn't fair."

"I know, honey. It'll happen when it's supposed to - it's not a matter of 'if'. Let's just go home and watch bad movies, and I'll make us some cocoa and cookies. How's that sound?"

Jim could handle that. He tried not to think about how it would have been better if Len were there with them. He might have just asked Len right then and there, kissed him, too. Jim had wanted to do that so many times, it hurt. He and Gaila did just as she suggested they do, and around eight o' clock in the evening, Len finally called.

_"Hey, I'm here, finally on solid ground."_

"Oh, good! Are you home, yet?"

 _"Oh, yeah,"_ Len laughed. _"I would have called earlier, but Ma attacked me before I could even get in the damn door! Darn door, sorry, Mom."_

Jim laughed a strange laugh, feeling happy but sad at the same time. It was weird talking to Len just over the phone; he imagined this was what it must be like for him and his parents. "Well, I'll let you get caught up with them, but thanks for calling. I'll call in a few days, okay?"

 _"Okay, Jim. I lo- uh..."_ He paused a moment. _"I'll talk to you later."_

"Bye."

The Christmas party was fantastic, and even enough to distract Jim for just a little bit. The tree was beautiful, the decorations sparkling, and the food was beyond delicious. It melted in Jim's mouth, and the apple cider was crisp. The only thing missing was Leonard McCoy. Jim avoided areas hung with mistletoe at all costs, and finally moved to the balcony for some peace and quiet. It was chilly, but not too bad, so Jim enjoyed the fresh, night air.

He heard the door slide open behind him, and looked over his shoulder. It was Gaila, and she looked as bad as he felt. "Jim..."

"I'm okay, don't worry," Jim insisted, looking away. She wrapped her arms around him, and he rested his head against hers. "I just miss him."

"Yeah, me, too. Not as much as you do, I'm sure," she tried to joke. "He'll be home soon. Three more days."

Jim called on Christmas, as planned, around three in the afternoon. He knew it was later there, but Len still answered. _"Hey, Jim! Merry Christmas!"_

"Merry Christmas, Len. How's the day been for you?"

_"Oh, pretty good, yeah. My parents surprised me with some really nice clothes, and we've literally been eating all day. Mom's been cookin' since dawn."_

"Sweet!" Jim laughed. Hearing Len made him feel better. "Ny's party was great. Gaila got me a new book bag for school, one I'd wanted for a long time, and my Mom sent me a gift card. I was kind surprised, really. I'm going to call her a little later on."

_"...That's great. Tell her hi for me, would ya?"_

"Will do."

There was a slight silence that fell over them, and then Len cleared his throat. _"Hey, Jim, I have somethin' to tell ya."_

Jim's face fell. "Uh-oh. Everything okay?"

 _"Welllll..."_ He drew out the word. _"Well, yeah, it is, but...I'm staying a bit longer here. Just another week or so. See, when I got here, I found out my Dad's been sick. They didn't tell me because they didn't want me to worry, but keeping things up here is gonna be hard for just my Mom. I'm going to help out with a few things, then when Dad's feeling better, I'll head home."_

Jim's head fell back onto the back of the couch, and he mouthed a few choice swear words. "Is he doing okay, though?"

_"Yeah, just...a little worn out. I've always been there at his side, and now it's just him and sometimes Mom."_

"...Do you think you'll stay through New Years?" That was Jim's last hope. If he couldn't get the chance to ask Len by then, he didn't know when he'd ever get the words out. "If you do, that's okay," he added hastily. "Just wondering."

_"I dunno, Jim. I might, I might not. I'll definitely call you the day I leave, so you know, but I have to make sure it's all okay here. But hey, let's not talk about serious stuff, okay? It's Christmas, and I just want to talk to you. I miss you."_

"I miss you, too, Len."

~*~*~*~

Two days before New Years Eve, Len finally called to say he was coming home. Jim couldn't have been more relieved to hear that, and made plans with Gaila to be ready in picking him up. He sounded tired, and had probably been working his ass off. All Jim wanted was to hold him close and take all his stress away.

When Len met them in the terminal, he definitely looked worse for wear. He all but tumbled into Jim's arms, a tired smile on his face as Jim held him up. "God, you look like hell, Len."

Len pulled away, and he shrugged. "Been worse. My Dad is feeling better, so he pretty much ordered me back here. Said I needed to focus on myself for once in my life," he shook his head. "I...well, we'll talk about it at home, how's that? I'm really tired."

As Gaila drove them home, Jim sat with Len in the back. Len sat by the window, while Jim sat in the middle and had an arm slung around him. This time he did keep his lips pressed into Len's soft hair, and his free hand entwined with Len's. When they got up to their rooms, Jim let Len shower and wind down before having him come over. He set up a movie, plenty of blankets and snacks, and waited for him.

Len knocked on the door, dressed in jeans and a comfy shirt. Without a word, Jim pulled him by the hand and led him to the couch, where they snuggled down and didn't move for the next three hours. Gaila was the one to put in the movies, but after she'd set the third one in, she walked over to Len and kissed his forehead.

"I'm going to go out with Carol for the evening, okay? You stay here as long as you want, sweetie."

Len nodded up at her, securing his arm around Jim's waist. "Thanks. I'm in good care right now," he smiled.

Halfway through the movie, Jim nearly confessed everything to Len. It was on the tip of his tongue as he looked down, but of course, today was not the day. Len was asleep, and Jim made no move to wake him.

The morning of the thirty-first, Jim woke up to a text from Len. **:Hey, I'm at work right now, but I have a question:**

Jim rubbed sleep from his eyes before answering **:Yeah, what's up?:**

**:I don't really want to go out anywhere tonight. Want to stay in with me?:**

Jim stared at his phone for a long time. Well, wasn't this just perfect? Jim sat upright and pulled his pillow close to him, typing his answer carefully. **:Absolutely. Just the two of us?:**

**:Just the two of us:**

When Jim told Gaila the plan, she lit up like a light and hugged him. "Oh, Jim! This is perfect! You're going to ask him, right?"

"Yeah, if...it all works out."

Gaila cupped his face tenderly, still smiling. "Good luck. It _will_ work out."

Jim hoped so. As the morning turned to afternoon, he tried to keep busy to subdue his nerves. Around two o' clock his phone started ringing, and it was Len on the other line. "Hello?"

 _"Hello,"_ Len replied, sounding happy. _"I'm making dinner for us tonight, okay?"_

"Really? What's on the menu?" Jim smiled.

 _"It's a surprise, sorry,"_ Len answered teasingly. _"Just plan on eight o' clock tonight."_

"Okay. Should I bring anything?"

_"Nope, just yourself. I gotta go, but I'll see you tonight."_

It took every ounce of self-control Jim had to not go over when he heard Len come home. To subdue the temptation to head over and ruin the surprise, Jim decided to go out for a bit. Walked over to the park, around a couple of times, then back. He took a long shower, took extra care in his appearance, then got dressed in jeans and a nice shirt. He waited three minutes past eight, just to be safe, before knocking.

After a few seconds, Len answered, looking incredibly handsome. Dressed in a grey button down with the sleeves rolled up, black jeans, his hair slicked with a little bit of gel. Jim tried to keep his jaw from dropping. "Len, you look great..."

Len smiled at him as he stepped aside for Jim. "You do, too. Come on in, I just got it all ready."

Len had finally bought a dining table a while ago, and right now it was nicely set with plates, glasses, and an iced bottle of apple cider in the middle. A pan of lasagna sat next to it, the steam still rising. "Wow," Jim finally said. "That looks fantastic. I love lasagna!"

"Good!" Len replied, looking relieved. "I hope it tastes as good as it looks - my mom's recipe."

Jim sat across from Len was invited to dig in. Len poured them both a glass of cider, then sat and took his own portion. Jim bit into the noddles and sauce, and immediately gave a content sigh. He could taste light seasoning, meat, and mushrooms along with it. "Oh, my God, thank you Mrs. McCoy. Len, you have to make this again."

Len nodded in agreement, satisfied with the results. "Definitely. I did all right. So, did the gals go out tonight?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah, they went with Spock and Ny to dinner."

Len paused. "You're sure it's okay we didn't go with, right?"

"Oh, yeah, don't worry! It's much better to stay in - too many crowds," Jim smiled. "Much rather be with you."

Len nodded and smiled. "Me, too. Thanks for a couple of days ago. I was really exhausted and useless, and you were there for me."

Jim shook his head. "Not at all. It's been a rough couple of weeks for you, and that sucks. Tonight you just get to relax and enjoy the last night of the year."

Len gave him a shy smile, then extended his hand. He laced his fingers in with Jim's, and mumbled, "We get to relax, and enjoy the last night of the year."

 _Oh, my God,_ Jim thought. _I really want to kiss him. I want to pull him close, kiss him until we're dizzy._ He wanted to ask Len. He just didn't know if it was right, though! His last relationship had gone to hell so fast, Jim hadn't even seen it coming until it was already over. He didn't want to baggage Len with that, but it was keeping him from opening his mouth and being honest. 

Then suddenly, the words were leaving his lips."Len...I really like you." Saying the words lifted a weight off of his chest, and he breathed in relief. "I've been trying to tell you since last month, I..." He shook his head. "Ever since I met you, I just couldn't find enough excuses to be around you."

Len lowered his gaze and smiled, and his cheeks flushed. "Jim, I..." He laughed quietly. "I feel the same way. I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how.

Jim stood, and moved over to Len's side of the table. He pulled Len to his feet and wrapped one arm around him. With his free hand, he cupped the side of Len's face and moved closer. Their foreheads bumped, and in the silence all Jim could hear was his pounding heart. "I want to kiss you. Can I?"

Len took a deep breath as he nodded, happiness washing over his face. He wrapped his arms around Jim's back, and they finally closed the small space between them. Len was a little tense at first, so Jim was patient and gentle until he knew Len was relaxed. He deepened the kiss a little, tangling his fingers into dark hair.

Len was the first to pull away, a small gasp escaping his lips. He rested his hand against Jim's chest, not looking him in the eye. "Jim, that was my first kiss."

Jim looked at him in surprise. "Really?"

Len nodded shakily. "Yeah. I've never been this close to anyone, or...let them be this close with me."

Smiling, Jim leaned in and kissed him again, and this time Len's arms wrapped around the back of Jim's neck. Jim let his hands wander over Len's waist, careful and slow as their lips danced. When they pulled away, it was only enough to keep Len still securely in his arms. "Why don't we go over to my place, watch the New York fireworks? Finish our lasagna, and..." He pecked Len on the lips again. "Do more of this?"

"You read my mind, Jim."

Later that night, when they were comfortably full and snuggled close on Jim's couch, Len turned to him. "Hey. What's your new year's resolution?" He linked their fingers together.

"I think...I have one. I want to talk more with my Mom - calling her on Christmas was good for both of us. You?"

Len rested his head on Jim's chest, listening to the steady beat of of his heart, the rise and fall with each breath. "I just want to get through my first year of therapy. We'll see how things go after that."

Jim nodded, running his fingers through Len's hair. "Good goals. I'll be there to help you, Len. I promise."

"Me, too, Jim."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay!! I'm working on something for Christmas and I've been really motivated in getting it finished! Should be posting the end of this month!  
> I decided to include all of the Holiday segments, just so Jim wouldn't have to suffer so much, poor thing! They really are the most sentimental times, when people get all lovey-dovey and it's wonderful. MY favorite time of the year, for sure. Originally I had it as Len being the first to admit his feelings, the dinner planned around it, but Jim just kept insisting on getting the first word in!  
> Look for tags next chapter!


	6. Dysphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len hits a new point in his transition and struggles with it, even with Jim at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reiteration of the "Dysphoria" and "Body Dysphoria" tags, and some potentially triggering phrases/taunting included.

Len woke with a start. His heart pounded, and in his confusion tried to remember what he'd been dreaming about. After a few seconds it came back, and he sighed as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes; It had been a nightmare, not a dream. He'd been in school, and the people around him had been laughing. Calling him a girl - a confused girl - a freak, poking and prodding him as he walked the halls.

He swung his legs over the edge and got to his feet. He felt shaky, the anxiety threatening to knock him down. He shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the light, wincing at the brightness. Then he really looked at himself. It was a surreal experience; it wasn't as if a stranger was looking back. Just the person he'd been all along on the inside, finally starting to bloom on the outside. His progress overruled anyone who'd ever judged him for what he knew was right for him.

Officially he was four months into his transition, and it was now late February. Scotty had increased Len's intake just a bit, now that his system was used to it. His voice had dropped considerably, which was nice. His hair had started to thin out, so he was letting it grow out a little. Len pushed up the hem of his tee, and examined his stomach and hips. They'd narrowed a bit, the fat redistributing to form the straighter shape he was now.

Absently, he ran his hands over his arms, and the hair trailing from his belly button. He'd started getting tons of it on his stomach and a little on his chest. He'd finally started shaving his face a few weeks ago; He'd cut himself the first couple times, but soon got the hang of it. Just the little changes like that were helping his confidence in ways he'd never imagined.

He turned on the shower, waited for it to warm up, then hopped in. As he ran his hands over his chest, he gave a quiet sigh. At his last doctor's visit, he'd asked Scotty about the possibility of top surgery. He was tired of wearing his binder just because he knew there was a better option for him. One more permanent, and once it was done he wouldn't have to worry. He remembered Scotty's words clearly.

"Leonard," the doctor had used his full name. "I want you to understand that it's a very serious procedure."

"Well, I'm pretty serious about it."

"I understand. I think we should wait until you've been on therapy until August. You'll have done testosterone a little shy of a year, and you'll be looking much more like you want. The surgery will be the next step," he'd added, "and I'll start working on getting you set for it. Just a little longer, understand?"

That was six months before anything could be considered. It was going to be hard, being patient until then, but Len had made it this far. After stepping out of the shower he dried off, wrapping a towel around himself. As he looked at his foggy, mismatched self in the mirror, he had to say aloud, "Soon. I'll be there soon."

It was Sunday, so Len didn't have to work. Jim was in class, so there really wasn't much to do other than lounge. He pulled on comfortable jeans and a grey tee, then made himself breakfast and curled up on the couch with a book. It was great having a couch now, even if getting the dumb thing into the apartment had been tricky.

He got lost in his book, and about a quarter of the way in he almost missed a knock at the door. He got to his feet, stretched, and checked to see who it was. He grinned and opened the door to Jim. "Hey!"

Jim had his hands behind his back, a shy smile on his face. "Hello," he said, and pulled from behind him a small bouquet of white marigolds. "Happy late Valentine's day!"

"Jim!" Len gasped, and laughed. The fourteenth had been a week ago, but Len had been slammed with work and Jim equally so in school. In fact, the new year hadn't brought them much time to go out. "You are such a romantic, thank you."

Jim handed him the flowers, and pulled him a little closer. "I try. I thought a movie might sound good, too." He bumped their foreheads together, and skillfully backed them up into Len's apartment.

Len smiled and followed his lead. "Sounds like a plan. What do we do until then?"

"Oh, I just thought..." Jim began, easing them side by side on the couch. "Some quality time alone might be nice." He laced his fingers in with Len's, and pressed their lips together. Len's eyes closed, and he relaxed against Jim's touch. They spent the next few minutes lip-locked until they both needed to catch their breath. Len simply nuzzled into Jim's neck, running his hands over Jim's chest.

"You're the best, you know that?"

Jim pressed a kiss into his hair. "Thanks. You're a step above that."

Len hardly thought so, but he accepted the compliment with another kiss. With literally no need to be anywhere, they sat and relaxed and talked for hours. Len made lunch, and then they went out for a walk because the sun was shining again. It was finally warming up, people venturing from their cozy homes into the cozy weather. Hand in hand, Len and Jim walked down the trail they'd run in the mornings. Len was quiet until Jim spoke up after a while.

"You look deep in thought. What's up?"

"Oh. Actually yeah, I was. Just that this," he motioned to their joined hands,"would never be accepted in my town as well as it's accepted here. Not in a million years. Here it's like, okay, a gay couple, isn't it nice weather we're having?"

Jim couldn't help the laugh escape his lips. "Yes, it is nice weather we're having. Len, sometimes I still get hassled for who I am - some of the teachers talk about me. It doesn't bother me, though, because I know that their opinion doesn't matter. All that does matter is that a couple can be together in peace."

"Well, still," Len shrugged. "I'm just glad I met you here; it's made it way easier to find someone who likes me for me."

Jim just gave him a smile that Len felt held unspoken words, and his heart leaped.

Later on, they returned home and got ready for their night out. They decided on dinner before the movie, and ordered food at a diner in the plaza. Jim talked about things he was learning at school, and Len chatted about his coworkers and work in general. "I might be trained as a manager soon."

Jim's brows went up. "Wow, that's great!"

"Karu's pretty happy with my work, so he feels I can handle it."

"Well, congrats. I'm happy for you."

When they finished their meal, they headed over to the theater down the block. Len tried to buy the tickets, but Jim was too fast for him. His annoyed look was casually ignored as Jim handed his card over, and melted when Jim pressed a kiss to his cheek. Then he and Jim went to get snacks and drinks. Jim picked out the biggest cup possible, and Len laughed. "Jeez, guzzle gut! You're gonna have to use the bathroom a hundred times!"

"Nah. Bladder of steel, Len."

Len snorted and took a smaller cup. "Lucky you."

The movie theater was still light when they walked in, the previews not having begun yet. Jim eyed the rows carefully, then found a spot up near the left corner. He grinned and took Len's free hand, leading him up. Len gave him another look as they say. "I see your plan now. You know we could have just done plenty of that for free..."

Jim swung an arm around him after lifting the arm rest. "I still want to watch the movie. Just...might get distracted if it gets boring."

When the theater went dark, Jim spent the previews giving puppy-dog eyes to Len until he finally caved. It was only until the movie started that Len finally could pull away. "Later," he whispered. "You're making me thirsty."

Jim snickered quietly and gave him some space. He decided to dig into his M&Ms, a grin plastered onto his perfect face. Len sipped absently on his drink as he watched the screen. Around the halfway mark, he could feel it. He began to squirm and crossed his legs, then sighed. He leaned in close to Jim and muttered, "Bathroom break. I'll be right back."

~*~*~*~

Len was going to have a panic attack. He could feel it coming on and knew it was ridiculous. He really just needed the bathroom, and wanted to hurry back to Jim.

When he'd reached the bathrooms, his mind had been elsewhere. He'd turned right into the women's bathroom, as he had been since he started hormones. As differently as he saw himself now, a part of him had still tried to please society. So, he used the women's bathroom, for starters. When he walked in, there was a woman washing her hands. He didn't quite catch her glance of surprise as he walked into one of the many stalls.

"Um excuse me?"

Len didn't answer as he locked the stall door.

"This is the women's bathroom!"

Len's hands hovered over his jeans zipper. A brief excitement hit him, because she'd recognized him as a guy! Then mild panic hit as he realized he was making her nervous. Slowly, he redid his pants, stepped out, and apologized. "My mistake."

"You bet," she grumbled, turning back to her reflection.

Len had stepped out into the alcove between bathrooms, took a deep breath, then stepped forward to head into the men's facilities. To his unfortunate luck, two young men around his age stepped around him, and this time he was all too aware of the looks he got. He froze where he stood, and could hear their quiet speculation.

"Was that...a girl?"

"Too manly. Maybe a shim?" The second boy said.

"What, like a chick with a dick?"

"Or a guy without one!"

Their voices and laughter faded, and Len stood there alone. The insensitivity ground at his heart, and tears threatened. But hey, men didn't cry, right? He finally mustered up enough air to take his first steps into the men's bathroom, which he numbly realized, should have been more celebratory. Up until a few seconds ago he was fully passing as a male.

There was thankfully no one in the bathroom, so Len hurried into one of the stalls. With trembling hands, he undid his jeans and pulled them down with his boxers, and sat. Nothing happened, the need to go having vanished. Len's eyes trailed down in-between his legs, and the words of those jerks rang in his head. "A guy without one," he muttered. He was painfully aware of the body parts he would never have. How instead of just being born with the right anatomy, it would cost so much money to even consider the next closest thing.

He sat there for a couple of minutes, and when nothing came, he sighed in frustration. His anxiety was shooting through the roof and he just needed to get out of there. He washed his hands, then hurried back to the theater room. He made his way up to his seat, and flopped down heavily into it.

Jim noticed his behavior immediately. "Hey. What's wrong - "

"Nothin', Jim."

"...Len."

"Look," Len added desperately. "I-I just wanna watch the movie, and sit with you. Maybe...later."

Jim looked at him seriously, then nodded. He simply laced his fingers in with Len's, sat close, and remained like that through the rest of the film. After the credits began to roll, Jim and Len began to file out with everyone else. It wasn't until they were walking away from the theater that Jim even tried to say anything.

"Len, you...can talk to me, you know. If you want. Did something bad happen? Because - "

"Jim, Jim," Len interrupted gently. He even tried to smile. "No, it's...not that. I..." He struggled for the right words. "Jim, do I look like a guy to you?"

Jim slowed his stride, frowning. "What do you mean? You look like you."

"No. You've known me since I was pre-T; can you honestly say that if we'd met now, that I look like a guy?"

Understanding crossed Jim's face. He didn't answer right away as he wrapped an arm around Len. "I see what you mean."

"Be honest, now," Len added hastily. "I need to know."

"...Okay. Well," Jim took a deep breath. "Maybe I might wonder. There's still some softness I see, but like you said, I've known you from before you started. You're getting there, though, Len! Seriously, you have changed a lot."

Len looked down miserably. "When I went to the bathroom, I went into the women's. I wasn't even thinking, but...there was a woman in there, a-and I freaked her out, and - "

"Okay. It was just a misunderstanding, but she _did_ see you as a guy, right? Right?" He added, pulling Len closer. Len couldn't help but smile, and Jim mimicked him. "There. So, what happened?"

"Then I tried the men's bathroom, and two guys walked out, and they kind of noticed that, maybe, I wasn't quite all-man. And they're right," he added when Jim rolled his eyes. "Jim, I can't just trade the parts I hate for the ones I want. I don't feel good about my body."

"Len," Jim began. Then he stopped, shook his head, and pulled Len closer. He really wanted to say something, but every time he tried, he knew it might come out wrong. "I'm sorry that happened to you. If I'd been there, I'd have kicked their asses."

Len laughed. "Jim, you're my boyfriend, not my babysitter. I'm...okay now. Or, I will be. Let's just go home."

~*~*~*~

Jim stepped off the elevator first, Len's hand in his. "So, which abode are we, uh, aboding in this evening?"

Len snorted and pulled out his keys. "Mine is okay." He really just wanted to be in the comfort of his own apartment, with Jim, after that stupid incident. He wasn't ready to face something like that again, as silly as perhaps sounded. Also, now that he was home, he realized he still had to go. "I'll be out in a second, make yourself comfortable."

Jim was already doing so, and sat down on the couch. "Thanks," he smiled.

Len hurried into the bathroom. Once he was done and washing his hands, he took a couple of minutes to look in the mirror. It was a much different view this time than this morning. He could see the softness still begging to be seen. Maybe it was his lips? They'd always been full, and his face a little heart-shaped. Yes, his face was still the giveaway.

After another full minute of self-criticism, Len decided to get back to Jim, who was waiting patiently for him. He slipped into his bedroom to get out of his shoes and jacket, and a more comfortable shirt. Then he made his way out to the living room - and was greeted with an unexpected sight. Jim was lounging longways on the couch, in nothing but his underwear. "Jim! Oh my God, what are you doing?" 

Jim smirked crookedly. "You said I could make myself comfortable."

Len rolled his eyes as he stooped to pick up Jim's clothes. "Not that comfortable!" He realized too late that Jim had placed his clothes carefully - a trail leading right to the blonde. Jim reached out and took Len's wrist, looking up at him with a different expression. 

"Come here," he patted his lap, and Len knew he was red from head to neck. 

"Jim....what are you doing?" He asked again, softly. Jim shifted, allowing Len to finally slide down into his lap. 

Jim looked him up and down, quiet for a few seconds. Finally he said, "I took this anatomy class once. You want to know what the professor told us?"

Len raised a brow, but didn't answer. Jim would tell him even if he didn't ask.

"He said that the body is a work of art. Different, and not different at the same time."

"Jim I think our bodies are pretty different."

Jim shook his head. "Not really." His hands, resting on Len's hips, trailed up over Len's chest carefully. He watched Len's expression, which remained relatively neutral. He could feel the outline of the binder, which his hands had ventured to a few times in the past. Jim had never touched Len in any way that would make him uncomfortable; in fact, he'd asked each time. "Different shapes, same general makeup. Men and women are halves of each other, incomplete without the other."

"Is your anatomy teacher also a poet?" Len tried to joke, but it was lost from the look in Jim's eyes. 

"Len, if there was something I didn't like about myself, wouldn't you do anything to help me feel better? Wouldn't you see what I can't?"

Len took a breath, and it shuddered under unexpected emotion. "Jim," he nodded. "Of course I would. You mean so much to me."

"You mean a lot to me, too, Len. More than I can even say - I've never been great and really expressing myself. Sometimes....there are days where things get to me. Not just the physical stuff, even though I really am my own worst enemy. Being with you, though, you make me better. It doesn't matter that I'm gay or that you're trans, because we're together. We define ourselves through our actions, Len. Not labels."

Len could feel it threatening again, the emotion he'd been so good about containing. "Jim, stop. I'm gonna cry, and I really don't want to...."

"Crying isn't bad."

Len sniffled and shrugged, looking down. "Men don't cry."

"No, men do cry. I cry all the time, Len, more than you'd think. It's the insensitive jerks who are beyond feeling who don't cry. It's weakness to them, but honestly, I feel stronger when I do. It proves I'm learning and accepting. So, yeah, you can cry."

"Oh, Jim," Len choked, and wrapped his arms around Jim. The tears pooled and spilled faster than Len could stop them. Jim embraced him tightly, running a hand through his hair. "I'm so scared sometimes."

"Of what?"

"Everything," he sighed. "I want to be normal, comfortable in my skin! I want to have surgery, but I have to wait a few more months. The first twenty years of my life has been confusion, and I never had anyone besides my parents tell my I was good enough." He pulled away slightly, and wiped at his eyes. "Until you, Jim."

Jim smiled and reached up, cupping the sides of Len's face. Then he pulled him in and kissed him, slow and sweet and perfect. "You need to give yourself more credit. It's not always easy, trust me, but it's worth it. You don't need anyone but yourself saying you're good enough. Okay?"

Len nodded and sniffled again. "Jeez, what a nightmare. I'm sorry that - " He began, but Jim pressed a finger to his lips.

"Don't. Let's just enjoy the rest of the night, and forget about the complicated crap. Just you and me."

"Okay," Len smiled. "That sounds pretty good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I did NOT realize it's been a week. I fought with this chapter so much, though, it's not even funny! It might be a little rough, I just finished it and slapped it onto here :) I kept trying to write it in different ways, but it always turned out extremely awkward. Unfortunately, bathroom dysphoria is a subject categorized as such and MORE. People have been assaulted, teased, and judged for being recognized as trans, and it creates the anxiety and discomfort of even taking care of personal needs. Many people have struggled with it and coped, others haven't, and it's so sad. Body dysphoria is also a very serious struggle, and it's a prevention for those whose identities still lay undetermined because of internal and external negative influences.  
> Len dealing with both, and it finally bubbling to the surface, was hard to write. I started to cry when Len did, because he's been trying so hard to push forward when everything is pulling him back.  
> Jim's way of analogy seemed a little unorthodox to me at first ( umm, you're just talkin' your clothes off, okay?!) but as I wrote it it made me smile and the words just worked.  
> So, hopefully this chapter fits okay. Thanks for your patience and continued support!  
> Also, I hope everyone, wherever they are for Thanksgiving, can have a happy one!!


	7. April Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len asks Jim an important question, and it brings up old memories for Jim. Jim debates on telling Len about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late responses from last chapter!! Hopefully I didn't miss anyone, thank you for the continued support!

Jim stood by the sliding glass door by the kitchen, watching the steady rain fall as it had been for the last hour. He balanced his phone against his ear, both hands shoved into his hoodie pocket. On the other end was his mother, and he listened angrily as she updated him on her life. Jim's stepfather had been increasingly negative as of late, verbally abusive and all around a complete dickhead.

"Mom, has he hit you at all?"

 _"No, Jim,"_ Winona promised. _"Not like that. He just doesn't think I'm...well, it doesn't matter."_

"It does to me. Why the hell are you with him, Mom?"

 _"...Jim, I just..."_ She sounded tired. Jim thought that when he'd started calling her, it would help the both of them. Well, at first it had, but now his mother just seemed burnt out. _"Don't worry about it."_

Jim wasn't satisfied with that answer. "What about Chris? He's been nothing but great to us - to you - for years. Dump the bastard for someone who'll take care of you."

_"It's not that easy, kiddo. Divorce is messy, and both people need to be in consent. Frank doesn't want a divorce."_

"No, he just wants to talk trash to you," Jim's lips pressed into a thin line. "Mom, I'm not kidding - you need to get the hell out of that house." The line fell silent, but Jim knew his mother was still there. When she didn't answer, he pushed it. "Mom. Think about Dad."

_"I don't want to think about Dad, Jim."_

"Well, I do. He was everything to you! He never would have hurt you like Frank does, and Sam would still be around."

 _"Jim,"_ Winona growled in frustration. _"Enough - "_

"No! You think that he'd put up with that bastard?"

 _"Well, if your father was still alive, James Tiberius, I wouldn't be in this situation."_ Her voice was rising. _"I've spent the last twenty years wishing I could somehow get him back, but it's never going to happen! Frank came into my life, supported me - even just for a little while - and got me back on my feet."_

"What, so you _owe_ it to him?" Jim nearly yelled. "You get to suffer just because he was "there for you" once upon a time? Jesus, Mom, he doesn't love you!"

Even as he said it, he felt as if he'd punched her in the stomach. _"...Jim. I...you don't even...fine. If that's how you feel - "_

"Mom, please - "

 _"We'll talk another time,"_ she spoke over him, though her voice was soft. _"Bye, Jim."_

Jim heard the audible click, and pulled the phone away from his ear to stare at it. Finally he tossed his eyes to the ceiling, groaning in frustration. "Goddammit."

"...Jim?"

Jim turned and found Gaila standing there, biting her lip, then looked away. "Not now..."

"Oh, Jim," she still said, and moved over to him. He let her place her hand on his shoulder, but it was obvious he didn't want more than that. "What happened?"

"You heard."

"Yeah, but...was that the right thing to say? I mean - " Gaila was cut off by the sharp, wounded look in Jim's eyes. "Well?"

"It _was_ the right thing to say! He doesn't love anyone - it's his fault I haven't seen my brother for years. She deserves so much better," he said mournfully. "I know exactly who can treat her right..." He thought of the one teacher he'd had in high school, the one who'd talked him into going to college. Chris Pike was his world, but Winona wouldn't let him be hers.

"Jim," Gaila began, biting her lip. "Did you ever tell her what happened with Gary?"

Jim tried not to wince. He swallowed heavily and turned his gaze back to the rain. It had to be a day for bad weather, didn't it? "Of course I didn't. Not everything, just that we...broke it off. She was dealing with work and I didn't want to bother her."

"Is that why you want her to leave your stepdad?"

Jim turned to her, sighed, and nodded. "I'm afraid he's going to do something to her. She's strong, but Frank is..." He shook his head; he didn't want to think about it. Still, memories of how Gary had treated him were coming back. He remembered being terrified, furious, and heart-broken all at once. "I can't tell her, Gaila. I just...I don't want to have to talk about that again."

"It might help her," Gaila suggested hopefully.

"No," Jim sighed again. "She'd just turn the focus on me, forget about herself. That's all she's ever done, to keep me out of the streets, keep me in school. She's stubborn," he smiled, and looked at Gaila tenderly. "Don't worry about me."

Gaila gently rolled her eyes. "Good luck with that. Why don't you go talk to Len?"

"Oh, hell _no_ am I telling him about that."

"I just meant going to see him! You're always so much happier when you're with him. He keeps you from doing anything stupid."

At the thought of Len, Jim breathed contently. "Yeah, you're right."

"And one of these days you're going to be one of those couples who doesn't need to be told that. So go on, let him take care of you for once."

Jim patted her head. "He already does, Gaila."

The rain hadn't let up even now, but that didn't matter to Jim. He'd walked around in the worst of weather just because, and this was kid-stuff. His sneakers sloshed through a few shallow puddles, and he kept his hood down to let the drops splash onto his face. It was refreshing, and he was feeling a little better by the time he reached the cafe. He spent a minute or two outside, watching Len working cheerfully at the counter. Helping people, like always, and making their day better. No, Jim didn't want to burden Len with his past.

He finally stepped inside, the warmth encasing him immediately. He caught Len's eye immediately, and his boyfriend promptly marched over to him. "Jim, you're all wet!"

Jim smirked, and in a low voice murmured, "Never a bad thing, right?"

Len understood his meaning, and a blush crept onto his face. "Jesus, Jim. Well, sit down and I'll get your a warm drink."

Jim let himself be guided to a table, and as Len pulled away their hands lingered together a moment. Len gave him a smile before slipping behind the counter and beginning on a drink. A couple of customers came in, but Pavel took over. That gave Len a chance to sit and enjoy Jim's company. He slid into the seat opposite Jim and passed the drink over. "You okay?"

Jim opened his mouth to answer, but he paused. "That obvious, huh?"

"Jim, you look miserable."

Jim shrugged. "Eh, it's okay. Called my mom today, it kind of went downhill fast. Bad day for the both of us."

"I'm sorry," Len replied in sympathy. "Is there anything I can do?"

Sipping on his mocha-caramel, made just how he liked it, Jim shook his head. "You already do enough, thanks. This helps," he waved his cup and smiled.

Len's matched his, and for a few moments they enjoyed a companionable silence. Then, it was as if someone hit a switch in both of them at the same time. "I - " Len began, just as Jim did.

"Oh," Jim laughed. "Sorry, go ahead."

"O-Oh, okay. Um," Len cleared his throat, and clasped his hands together on the table. "Well, I had a thought, and if it's too crazy, it's okay. But, uh," he glanced around the cafe, which was more busy than usual because of the weather. "Maybe later, after I get off work."

Jim rested his chin into his palm, and reached out for Len's hand. "No reason for that, here's fine."

"It's kind of a big thought..."

"Len, go ahead, really," Jim insisted.

Len took a deep breath, and finally nodded. "Okay, then. I was thinking, maybe, we could move in together?" His eyes darted from Jim to his lap, and back again. He'd spoken it quietly, but the words rang loudly in Jim's ears.

It wasn't Len's fault. He didn't know. Jim had heard those same words over a year ago, from a wolf in sheep's clothing. He'd thought it was a good idea, what you were supposed to do in steady relationships. Except it hadn't been steady, just a rickety, rotting bridge which had eventually snapped. Jim suddenly realized Len was staring at him, guilt-stricken. "Sorry. What did you say?"

"I'm so sorry, Jim, if it's too fast, or not what you want, I - " he added desperately. "Forget I said anything, okay?" He began to stand up, but Jim went with him and stopped him.

"Hey, wait, wait, wait. Len, _I'm_ sorry, it just threw me off guard. Um..." He ran a hand through his wet hair, feeling dizzy. He didn't want to leave Len hanging but he needed to get out of there, clear his head. "Just give me a couple days to think on it."

That was the best he could do. He strode from the shop, afraid to look back as he powered through the increasing rain. Jim didn't even know where his feet were taking him until he found himself in the middle of the park. He'd spent so many days with Len coming here, that it was like muscle-memory. The thought of Len brought tears to his eyes, and he found the nearest bench to collapse onto.

Gary Mitchell. The first love of his life who turned out no different than Frank. Started out seemingly kind and loving, but over time became abusive and threatening. When the verbal had gone to physical, Jim was certain he couldn't take anymore. He choked on a sob, hiding his tears behind his hands, old wounds opening and bleeding as he remembered. Of course, he'd gotten out of it with his friends' help. He'd finally told Gaila, who'd told Nyota who told Spock. Spock filed a report, giving exact details and some that Jim hadn't mentioned which had been noticed. Bruises, flinching from close touch, things often overlooked.

Jim knew he was the biggest hypocrite of them all. Telling his mother how she should run her own life when he himself had done the same damn thing? Finally the repressed anger and hurt Jim had been distracted from came back, flooding against his lashes and cascading down his cheeks.

~*~*~*~

"A perfect one-hundred degrees. You, my dear Jim, are sick."

Jim groaned, which broke into a pathetic cough. "Fu-hu-ck."

"Well," Carol replied tautly, "that's what happens when you sit all afternoon in a park. In the rain."

"Thanks, Sherlock," Jim shivered, and pulled the covers over himself more. Gaila had gone off to answer the door, leaving her girlfriend in charge of their sick roommate. "I was having an emotional breakdown, sue me."

"Jim, Jim," Carol patted his hair. "You're too hard on yourself. That wasn't the way to go about it - especially not with Len."

Jim groaned again, hiding completely under the covers. "Don't remind me! I'm never facing him again!"

Carol snorted. "Okay, good idea. Do you want soup?" She asked more softly, trying to be sincere. Not that Jim deserved it, the brat. He'd come home yesterday soaked, silent, and hadn't come out of the bathroom for two hours. This morning he'd coughed until Gaila had finally shoved dayquil down his throat and sent him back to bed.

He hadn't answered Len's texts, feeling like a complete asshole of how he'd left things. "No, I just want to sleep. Or die."

"Okay, then, mister martyr. I'll bring you something later, then." Carol stood and slipped from Jim's room, making her way into the living room. There she found Gaila sitting with a very worried, distraught Len. _I do not need this today_ , she mentally sighed. "Len, sweetheart, he's just a little sick."

"Oh, it's ten times worse than that," Gaila disagreed. "Len and Jim got into a fight."

"What? The perfect couple? No," she teased lightly, but patted Len's head. "What happened?"

"I...asked him to move in with me. Then he bolted."

Carol froze, then shared a look with Gaila. "...Oh." Well, that did change things, didn't it? She didn't know the entire story, except that Jim was seriously anti-moving in with someone. "Len, how Jim reacted isn't your fault at all."

"See?" Gaila tried. "Just like I said. It really isn't your fault, and Jim isn't mad at you."

"I'm just sorry I ever asked. Now Jim's sick, and I just..." Len shook his head, unable to express his frustration properly. "I'm embarrassed."

Carol raised a brow and folded her arms. "Well that's Jim's fault. The baby's been here moping around since he got home, it's pathetic. You should talk to him."

Len hesitated, his eyes to the ceiling. "He doesn't answer back. I've tried calling, texting...nothing."

Gaila bit her lip, choosing her words carefully. "Jim...does need to explain some things to you. If your relationship's going to grow, it has to happen. We're not going to force him into it, but maybe a couple days might help. He'll bounce back, I promise."

Len wasn't so sure. He was patient, though, and did wait. He stopped sending Jim messages, gave him the space he needed, and waited. Forty-eight miserable hours later, Jim finally came knocking on Len's door. Len opened it hurriedly, ready to deliver the apology speech he'd been dying to give. When he opened his mouth, though, nothing came.

It didn't matter, though, because Jim forgave him. He rushed into Len's arms, and whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm a jerk, and I'm sorry."

"No, Jim," Len replied. "I'm sorry."

Jim sighed. "Okay, enough sorry's. I want to tell you everything, okay? I want you to understand why I got scared. I'm not now, but..."

"Yeah," Len ushered him in. "come in, please. I don't want to do anything else today but listen to you. Are you feeling better?"

Jim sniffed and laughed. "Yeah, a little. Still an achy throat, but I'm over it."

Len took Jim's hand, and they sat together on the couch. Jim reclined against Len's chest, Len's hands wrapped around him or moving through his hair. "So," Jim finally said. "When I came out, I met someone. His name was Gary, he was...great, of course. I went to the support group he'd been at for a couple years, got to really identify with myself, and with him."

Len was silent.

"We started dating. I was so naive I couldn't see it. Gary was so well-put together, I thought, really understood life. When we'd been steady for just a couple months, he...asked me to move in." Len's hands stilled. Jim wrapped his own over them, patting them softly. "Of course, I agreed. What could be better, right? Well, then I learned that he was just controlling, and got angry whenever I was messy, or didn't put things away - simple stuff at first. Then he started complaining that what I was studying wasn't applying myself, that I was weak-minded and lazy. I thought he was just doing reverse-psychology, saying I was brilliant but hadn't found my groove.

"Then one night, he hit me," Jim continued.

"Jim..."

"It just escalated, and I kept my mouth shut. He was bigger and stronger, and I went from doe-eyed to deer-in-the-headlights so fast, it was a shock. I didn't even know what was happening. When I finally did, I was powerless. Then I knew that if I didn't get out of there, I wasn't gonna make it. I got the help I needed because of friends, and the rest is history. Gary used me moving in to keep me his prisoner, and that's why I panicked."

Len began to sniffle. "Jim, I had no idea."

Jim straightened up and turned to face him. "Don't blame yourself. Of course you didn't know! This is not your fault, okay? Hey, it's okay," He insisted, as Len's eyes were shining now. He cupped Len's face and kissed him, wiping away his tears and trying to comfort him. "Shh, Len. Don't cry, please."

"I'm tryin'," Len choked on a laugh. He didn't know why he was laughing, it was a terrible situation and he felt like crap. "Jim, I won't ask you again, okay? Never."

"Hey," Jim answered. "I've...had a lot of time to think, not just from the last couple days. Len, I like you a lot, and if there's anyone I'd want to be with, it's you. Maybe next month we'll think about it. How's that?"

"Jim, I don't want to do this if it reminds you. It already did, and I can't imagine what - "

Jim kissed him again, his go-to when he couldn't find the words but needed Len to listen. Kissed the breath out of him, and when they pulled away Len was flushed. Jim's stomach was doing flip-flops. "Now. We're going to move on from this. It sucked, but we're okay, and we can go forward. I think that moving in would be a good idea, I just need a little time to make sure I can do this. I want to do this for you and us."

Len began to shake his head in awe. "Jim, I think I love you." He blinked. "I do love you."

This time it was Jim's turn to go red. How long had it been since he'd heard that? It was all different with Len, and hearing those words fromhim made it so much better. "I...I love you, too, Len. We love each other."

Len smiled, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from their shoulders. "Well, it's a damn good start."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last we have Jim's side of the story. I made Gary Mitchell the bad guy! In another story I made him the good guy, but not THIS time around. I didn't want to go into many details, but I imagine how hard it might be for Jim just coming out, falling in love, and being tricked. Having to recover from it, and having his "family" (Nyota, Spock, and Gaila) with him. He suppressed all of it for a year, but Len helped bring it out in a way that was supportive. He doesn't fully understand what Jim's been through, but all he wants is Jim's happiness. It's been a difficult few chapters for our boys, but I plan the next one to be a happier one :)  
> In the (late) spirit of Thanksgiving, thank you all so much for reading, and for your encouragement in your comments! It has meant so much and is what's keeping me motivated to write!! Loves!


	8. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim moves in with Leonard, and they spend more time with each other to strengthen their relationship.

Len and Jim were stuck in a fit of giggles. It was because Jim was stuck between the floor and his mattress, which they'd been trying to get into the spare bedroom of Len's apartment.

It had started with Len trying not to laugh, able to only see the tuft of blonde hair sticking up from the other side of the mattress. "Jim, if you wanted to take a nap, you're doin' it wrong."

Jim gave a tired laugh, shaking his head, and suddenly it spiraled. Just one of those situations they both couldn't believe, and had to laugh it out. They began to laugh harder when Jim's laughter turned to hiccups, as he knew it would be.

Len was doubled over, his hands on his knees and his face turning red. "Jim, sta-ha-pit! I'm gonna d-die!"

"I can't help - it!" Jim cracked up. "It just ha - appens!"

Len literally couldn't stand it. He collapsed against the wall and slid down it, wiping the tears from his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed so hard. "Oh, God," he rasped. "My stomach hurts! Don't worry, Jim, I'll save you eventually..."

"Oh, good," Jim grinned. He tried to look over his shoulder, but it was in vain. All he saw was a puffy, heavy obstacle. "My hero."

After a couple of minutes, Leonard could stand again and hefted the mattress away from Jim's body. Then he reached down and pulled Jim to his feet, then into his arms. "Ugh, we're all sweaty."

Jim smirked at him, pushing loose locks of hair from his forehead. "We can do better."

Len's breath caught briefly in his throat, before Jim stole it with a kiss. He knew what Jim meant; They hadn't exactly talked about it, but Len had a feeling it would be soon. "Well, let's start with getting you moved in, first."

They _had_ talked a lot about that. Since the misunderstanding in the cafe the previous month, they'd worked out what was best for Jim's comfort zone should he change domiciles. Len had offered to shift his stuff around for an additional bed, but Jim had wanted a separate room. "I love being with you. Sometimes I just need my own space, though."

The spare room, of course, didn't have anything in it, so it made the most sense. Rent terms were easy discussion - half and half - and Len made a copy of his key. Then he handed it over and waited for Jim to officially make his decision. When he did, they went down to Eric to explain the situation and get papers signed.

"Well!" Eric grinned. "It's about damn time! I was wondering when you two would finally get it figured out."

Jim blushed as he put his signature next to Len's. The next step was changing his license, even if it was just one little number that had to be changed. Len went with him, and they sat together in the quiet room and waited for their turn.

"I hate it here," Jim whispered in boredom. "I hate change sometimes."

Len just took his hand and squeezed it. "Don't be so melodramatic, it's barely a change."

Jim eyed him carefully. "Not in the scheme of things."

"No," Len agreed, "not the big picture, but this is a tiny step in the right direction. This will be good for us."

Jim used his free hand to massage the back of his neck. In truth, he still felt a fair amount of stress in doing this. He knew Len would never hurt him, but this was still difficult. "I know it will," he finally admitted. "Thanks."

Once all the technical stuff was over, it was time to go home. Jim's stuff was all moved in, and they could only go forward from there. They returned to _their_ apartment, walked through _their_ door, and just stood together. Even though the living room hadn't changed besides the small t.v. on a stand, it felt so much different.

"Well," Len looked at him. "What do we do, our first night together?"

Jim felt heat in his face. He hadn't thought about the possibilities until now, but suddenly only one crossed his mind. When he looked at Len, something just clicked and he figured it was better to ask questions later. Without a word he pulled Len in for a heated kiss, pressing their bodies as close as possible. Len's muffled, surprised gasp died on his lips, and as Jim's tongue tangled with his, he moaned.

"Len," Jim whispered. Len's lips moved to his neck, their feet in a dance towards the bedrooms. Which one, it didn't matter; Len was kissing him again, pressing him gently against the wall. "I want..."

Len bit at his lip, sucking it as his fingers tangled into Jim's hair. "Bedroom?"

"H-Holy shit," Jim hissed, and all but dragged Len to his room. They toppled onto the bed, and Jim ended up on his back. Len straddled him carefully, swooping down to kiss him again. Their noses and foreheads bumped, and Len mumbled a quiet apology. Jim just smiled and shook his head. "It's okay."

"I...I don't know how...er," Len began, suddenly embarrassed. "I've never..."

Jim paused, looking up at him. They hadn't turned on the light, so the only way he could see Len was from the living room light. "I know," he replied.

Len bit his lip. He took a deep breath, then slowly pulled his shirt over his head and slipped it off. He kept it on his arms, cradling them over his chest. His binder was on, and suddenly it felt like the first time he'd put it on. Itchy, constrictive, and a little unnatural. He'd thought about Jim's reaction to seeing it a thousand times, and now watched the real one.

Jim just smiled up at him, trailing his fingers over the material. He'd never breached Len's comfort level by sliding his hands up into his shirt, even the many times they'd groped at each other. "You okay?"

Len gave a shaky sigh. "I...don't know. This is new for me."

"If you aren't ready, it's okay," Jim reassured. "I told you, though, your body - "

Len shook his head. "No, it's not that. Well, maybe a little. I've just never thought that someone would even want to do this with me." He sighed and slipped off of Jim's lap, letting him sit up. Finally he pulled his shirt back on, and then Jim brought him into a hug. "I'm sorry."

"Don't you dare be sorry. This is an even bigger step for us."

"...Yeah. I just started going with it - I want to, really."

We don't have to tonight."

No, tonight wasn't the night. They could both feel it, and ended up cuddling on Jim's bed. They were quiet for a long time, relaxing in each other's arms. They'd made it this far, and they didn't need to rush things. Len felt an apology bubble to the surface several times, but he knew what Jim would say. There wasn't any reason for it, and it didn't need to be rushed. He finally looked up from the crook of Jim's arm and smiled. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Thanks for understanding."

Jim smiled and nodded. "Of course. Still, it was a nice preview," he giggled.

Len rolled his eyes. "Jim..."

Jim's amusement dissolved gradually into seriousness, and he turned towards Len. "Seriously. With you that close to me, against the wall, I felt safe. So different than...well, the past, I guess."

Len linked their hands together. "You sure you're okay, Jim?"

"Absolutely. It can only get better, and it's already been great."

Len's lips twitched, and he giggled as he asked, "Even with a mattress falling on you?"

They laughed together, the rich sound echoing off the walls, and Jim nodded. "Especially with a mattress falling on me."

~*~*~*~

It was now late June.

It was also just over ninety degrees today, and thus a much needed trip to the beach was in order. Len had enough vacation time saved up, and Jim's classes were out, so there wasn't a better time. They'd invited anyone of their friends to come along, but strangely had received the same general answer. All of them wanted Jim and Len to have some time to themselves, really work things through and be comfortable in their own skin as boyfriends.

"And against each other's," Gaila had winked, not privy to the sudden shift that had made itself present. Jim had blushed lightly, while Len had gone as red as the tomatoes in his mother's garden.

Not that it was a tense situation, just a present one. They both wanted it, just finding the right timing was the hard part. Each time they felt like they might be ready, Len realized he wasn't. He knew what his reasoning boiled down to - his body. Jim had taught him a considerable amount of self-acceptance, but when it came to sex, there was no way. Len couldn't understand how Jim could even be attracted to his female body. The trip to the beach was mostly to alleviate their general stresses, not encourage them into something they weren't ready for, Jim promised.

Right now, Len was camped on his towel, rubbing sunscreen into his arms. Jim had gone off to get a surfboard, which Len hadn't known Jim knew how to navigate. He was finishing his legs and feet when his blonde surfer returned with a grin. Jim stamped the board into the sand and looked down at him. "You don't need that! You're tan as hell and it's totally not fair."

Len snorted. "Skin care, Jim, don't be an idiot. Come here and I'll grease you up - don't think I didn't notice you overlooking it."

Jim sighed and flopped down, knowing there was no need for argument. He yanked away his shirt and sat in front of Len, and arched his back promptly when the cold cream hit his skin. "Crimeny!"

"Oh, hush up."

"I dunno why we need this, if we're just gonna get in the water."

Len worked slow circled into Jim's shoulders, treating him to a light massage. Jim's head flopped and Leonard grinned. "Safety first, darlin'." He squirted more into his palm and worked the back of Jim's arms, unable to help feeling the muscles underneath. When he was finished, he pressed a light kiss against Jim's ear and plopped the bottle into his lap. "Do the rest, and then we can go."

Jim just fell back against Len and smiled up at him. "We could just stay like this, make out under the umbrella."

"We don't have an umbrella, Jim."

"Then I'll go buy one."

"No," Len laughed. "We came here to swim. I didn't by a damn swim binder to not swim in it."

Jim kissed his jaw. "You look hot in it." He stopped moping, hopped up and pulled Len with him. "Race ya?"

"Oh, you're on!"

They sprinted down to the water, Len winning by a full three seconds before Jim even hit the water. They swam out a fair distance, just enough where their toes barely touched the sand underneath. Jim was laughing breathlessly as he made his way over. "You left your shirt on, dufus!"

Len rolled his eyes and moved wet hair from his face. "I'm not letting anyone see my binder, Jim. Kind of makes it obvious I need to cover something up."

Jim sobered as he tread. "Oh. Right, sorry."

Len paused, then splashed a giant splash in Jim's face. "Quit your belly achin', and let's have fun!"

As he spluttered and coughed, Jim splashed back. Then it was all out war when he hopped onto Len's broad shoulders and took them both under. The waves were low today, so they were able to go back up without much resistance. They shared a few soaked kisses, uncaring to any judgmental eyes that might spot them, their arms and legs tangling together.

They hurried back up for lunch, dried off and cuddled together on their towels and talked about the rest of their summer plans. Looking up at the sky, Len imagined it covered in stars. "Let's go camping."

"Yeah?" Jim turned on his side. He trailed one finger over Len's stomach in circles. "I didn't know you liked camping."

Len grinned up at him. "Look how much we're getting to know each other. I used to go campin' with my dad every summer and fall."

Jim nodded decisively. "Camping it is, then. When do you want to go?"

Len shrugged. "Next month? When it cools down a little. Gotta book a site and make sure we have, y'know, camping supplies," he laughed. Jim nodded and settled down in his arms, and they napped for a while. Jim woke back up first, finding Len still asleep. Len watched him and fell in love all over again. He looked so different than he had almost a year ago, and sometimes Jim missed that. He'd never admit that to Len, and it wasn't like it was longing.

The first time they'd met, Jim was struck at how gorgeous Len was. Full lips and bright, determined hazel eyes. Tall, with soft hair just tempting to be played with. Even when he'd regarded Len as female, _she_ was beautiful. Jim remembered thinking whomever the guy - or possibly girl - destined to steal her heart was lucky. When Len had given his name, Jim somehow understood his situation and thought he might stand a chance. Be that guy for Len.

He could admit to himself - never to Len or anyone else - that he hadn't really been attracted to Len physically until after he'd started hormones. He'd been drawn to Len's personality, though, right from the start, and that made the transition easy. His slender body was thick now, muscled and again, tempting. Underneath the clothes he was still the same, and that frustrated Len the most. Therefore, it frustrated Jim. He just wanted Len to be happy.

Len gave a quiet sigh, completely asleep now, a single word on his lips. "Jim..."

Jim grinned and snuggled closer, drawn from thought. "I'm here, Len. Always will be."

"Hmm..."

Jim let another minute or two pass, then decided to wake up his lover. "Hey, sleepyhead," he called softly.

Len's eyes fluttered open, and he rubbed at them. "Jim? Oh, shit, did I fall asleep?"

"Just for a few. I kept an eye on you."

Len yawned and forced himself to sit up. "Sorry. You wanna swim more?" His accent was a little thick from sleep. "No sense in wastin' a rented surfboard, either."

Jim half-shrugged, pulling Len close for a full kiss. "Doesn't matter, either way, as long as we're together."

Len smiled. "Sap."

They stayed as long as the sun was up. Jim returned the surfboard, the two packed up, and headed home by bus. Jim dozed with his head against Len's shoulder, immune to the bumpy ride. Len woke him at their stop and the two shuffled tiredly to their apartment.

Once inside, Len let Jim use the bathroom first, to get out of his swimwear and shower. "You sure?" Jim asked.

Len collapsed onto the couch and flipped on the television. "Yeah, no problem."

"Okay." Jim headed down the hall and into his room, finding a few toiletries he hadn't unpacked yet. He kept his shower only lukewarm, not wanting to steal all the hot water, and felt refreshed when he slipped into his pajamas.

He found Len asleep on the couch. He didn't want Len to stay in damp clothes, so he shook Len's shoulder gently. "Hey, wake up. It's your turn."

Len nodded and with effort pulled himself off the couch. In the bathroom, he was still tired and decided to take a bath. After washing, he reclined his head and let his eyes slip shut for a while. He managed to stay mostly awake, but when he opened his eyes again the water wasn't hot anymore. He rubbed his eyes and groaned, wondering why in the hell he was tired. They had done a lot of swimming today...

He got into his night clothes. When he began to go towards the living room, he saw that all lights were off, and Jim's bedroom light was on. He knocked the door gently, and waited. Jim opened the door and smiled sleepily. "Sorry, I couldn't keep my eyes open."

Len laughed. "Yeah, me too. I'm exhausted."

Jim stepped out to kiss him. "Goodnight," he murmured. "Have a good night's sleep."

"I'll see you in the morning, then."

Jim didn't want him to leave his arms just yet. "Make me breakfast?"

Len rolled his eyes, but that sounded like a good idea. "Yeah right. There's cereal in the cupboard!"

"Oh, come on," Jim pouted." Our first morning under the same roof? Kind of romantic."

Len faked a sigh. "All right, all right. Do you like blueberry or chocolate chip pancakes?"

"Um, both?" Jim laughed. "And eggs and bacon!"

"Jim Kirk," Len actually sighed, and pressed a kiss against his jaw. "Good night. I love you."

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they're officially moved in! I loved this chapter because even though it touched on a few things still sensitive to our boys, it was a light-hearted chapter. The next one should be the same - a camping trip!! (Right now where I am it's ready to snow, so I needed a mental vacation!) 
> 
> It was brought to my attention of Jim's possible attraction to Len even when he looked feminine. Hopefully I cleared that up here a little. I'm going to say now that I'm not sure when/if I'm going to get them in bed together. They want it because of natural instinct, but every time I try to write it out, they're not very enthusiastic about it, haha. It's not the most important part of the story, though, so we'll see. It's funny because I usually have them sleeping together as soon as possible in my stories, but not this time around. 
> 
> Thoughts on this? I'm curious :) Thanks for reading!!!


	9. Summer Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Len adjust to living together. It brings them into a discussion about the past, and decide to go on their camping trip.

Len woke a little early to get everything started. He looked through the fridge and found eggs, milk, strawberries and blueberries, and in the cupboard was pancake mix. He didn't eat them often every once in a while had a sweet tooth. He could blame being surrounded by sweet drinks and pastries all day.

Therefore he had maple syrup, and set that on the counter. He hummed cheerfully as he whisked the mix, and once the pan was heated for the eggs he began on that. It wasn't until the first batch of pancakes were finally ready and sitting on a plate that Jim shuffled in.

"Oh, man, you actually made us breakfast!" He stated, his voice rough with sleep. He was too busy rubbing sleep from his eyes to take it all in. Len grinned and pulled him close for a kiss.

"Course I did. You sleep good?"

Jim's eyes finally fell on the hot pancakes and licked his lips. "Oh, yeah. I was out the second I hit the pillow. You?"

Len flipped another pancake. "Same. You're free to dig in, darlin', I'll have more comin'."

Jim grinned widely and hugged him from behind. "I love when you call me that." He moved away and opened a couple of cupboards. Then he frowned and looked over. "Where are the plates again?"

"Next one over, Jimmy," Len smiled.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, not awake yet." He found a plate and promptly placed a heaping pile of breakfast onto it. He scooped a couple of strawberries on the side, and set his plate on the dining table. He turned on the t.v., found a station, and sat at his seat.

Len enjoyed listening to the background noise. He was so used to the quiet that he hadn't even thought to turn it on. Jim now had some educational program on, from the sound of it. "What'cha watchin', Jim?"

"Oh, it's a mathematics program. I watch it every morning to get my brain functioning, and it helps during the summer."

Len was impressed. He finished up the rest of breakfast and took a seat next to Jim. Jim seemed to take it all in, but most of it was over Len's head. He looked over at Jim again and noticed him scribbling on a notepad. "Notes?"

"Mm. Helps my retention." He continued writing, but suddenly he stopped and looked up at Len guiltily. "I am so sorry."

With his fork hovering close to his mouth, Len stopped. "What?"

Jim sighed and slumped. "You made a nice breakfast, and all I'm thinking about is school stuff."

Len looked up at the television, then Jim. "I don't understand."

"It doesn't bother you? This show?"

Now Len understood. "No, of course not! You watch it as much as you want, Jim. Besides, it's _your_ t.v."

A relieved expression crossed Jim's face. "Thanks, Len."

After the first couple of days, the two fell into a regular routine. They both worked during the day, with Jim usually gone before Len. He'd usually leave a goodbye note that made Len smile, and Len would text him back his response. Jim was usually the first to come home, with his nose shoved in a book as Len walked through the door.

Jim was a little more messy than Len had realized. Not that he really minded, but he often picked up Jim's empty dishes off the coffee or dining table. Moved his towels from the shower rack into the hamper. Nothing major, and it wasn't a bother.

The fourth night, Len walked into a different apartment. It was clean, and Jim was sitting on the couch looking nervous. Jim? Hey, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Jim whispered. He looked up at Len, his eyes shining. "I didn't realize..."

Concerned, Len sat at his side and took his hands. "Hey, hey. What happened?"

Jim shook his head. "I...I didn't realize I was being messy. All you've been doing since I got here is clean, and I'm so - "

"Oh, Jim," Leonard realized. "No! There's no problem at all!"

"Still, I should be more considerate, I mean, I do get home before you, and I just..." He shook his head. "If you're mad..."

"...Jim, where is this coming from? I'm not mad."

Jim sighed and took a shaky breath. "Gary...used to get mad."

_Oh_. Jim was thinking about how controlling Gary was about Jim's habits, and it was surfacing again. "Jimmy. This is not a problem. You can make as big a mess as you want, I swear to God. Whatever Gary was bothered by, I promise you it won't be the same with me."

Jim looked over "Really?"

"Seriously. If dishes are left around, who cares? I just move them into the kitchen on my way there. The towels or dirty clothes? The hamper's in the bathroom. All habit, Jim. I've done it my whole life - my mama trained me that way. It's nothing resentful, I swear."

Jim sighed in relief and fell into Len's arms. "That is so good to hear. I swear I'll be better, though. I just got home today and suddenly it hit me. I tried to clean as good as you..."

Len smiled and kissed his forehead. "Jim, it looks great, okay? You did just fine, and I appreciate it. No more worryin' about it, though. You don't have to change a single thing for me, Jim."

"Okay," Jim answered into his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Len pulled away and shook his head. "Don't. Now, you know what would make you feel better?"

"What?"

Len smiled and kissed him, pulling him close. "A nice," _Kiss_ , "relaxing," _kiss_ , "make-out session."

Jim chuckled against his lips. "Sounds good to me."

From that point on, Len kept an eye on Jim when they were home together. Watched what was comfortable for him, knew when to give Jim space if he needed it. Sometimes Jim would look anxious, and Len just didn't know why. One day, when Len was home and Jim was at work, Len went next door. Gaila was thankfully home and let him in. "Hey! How's it going?"

"Good," Len smiled. "Just enjoying my day off."

Gaila nodded understandingly. "Tell me about it. Carol's not home and I'm all alone, so thanks for saving me from boredom."

They sat down on the couch, and Len pulled a pillow close. "So, I have a question."

"Shoot," Gaila replied, tucking one leg under the other.

"It's...about Jim. Everything is great, for the most part, I'm just...a little worried." Gaila didn't answer, only her expression prompting him to continue. "He seems anxious sometimes. Like, at first he was worried about the t.v., and then the chores - he said it was because of his ex. Still, it's like he's worried about something. It's not me, is it?"

Understanding crossed Gaila's face and she reached out for Len's hand. "Okay. I'm going to give you the Jim Kirk one-oh-one. His behavior right now has nothing to do with you. When he first moved in with me, he was a little nervous, too. He's just getting used to a new environment and living with a new face. I think he sometimes remembers Gary, too."

The news only brought Len mild relief. "What can I do to help him feel better, though?"

"Patience. Love and understanding - things you already do, honey. This is going to work out, I promise."

When Jim got home, Len was back and sitting on the couch, writing on a pad of paper. "Hey," Len greeted. "Come here."

Jim sat down next to him and didn't even get a word in before Len's lips were on his. They spent a minute lock-lipped before Jim pulled away. "You okay?"

Len nodded and sat back, pulling Jim with him. He held the paper with his free hand and looked over the writing on it. "So, I was thinking something. When fall rolls around, you'll be in school, and I'll...hopefully be getting ready to start my first surgery. Kinda busy times."

Jim looked over the list and found a bunch of recreational activities. "You want to do all of these?" He asked. Not in disbelief, just in confirmation.

"No, not necessarily. Just thought it would be good for us to really enjoy summer together. "Besides camping, there's hiking, new movies to see, and there's a food festival coming up soon," he added in a sing-song voice.

Jim grinned and licked his lips at the thought. "That sounds like a fantastic idea."

Len buried his lips against Jim's hair. "Good. Jim, I just want..." He paused, trying to find the words.

"What? What is it?"

"I just want you to be happy."

Jim cocked his head. "I am. Happier than I've ever been, Len."

Len smiled. "Me, too."

~*~*~*~

"Thank God for Gaila," Len said as he parked their borrowed car.

Jim nodded. He'd only had to do a little begging for his former roommate to let them use it to drive up to the campsite, the location of which had been a surprise to Jim. Until just a minute ago, that is, when they'd passed the sign into the grounds. "Kirk Creek Campground."

Jim had turned his head in disbelief and found a huge grin on Leonard's face. "Really?"

"I just couldn't help it!" Len laughed. "When I saw it, I had to. Besides, our grounds have a great view, and it's totally private."

Jim reached over and kneaded his palm against Len's thigh. "Why? We gonna make some noise in our tent?" He smiled as Len's grip on the steering wheel tightened, and topped it off with a breathy kiss against Len's neck.

"You - " Len choked, but he had to focus on paying the entrance fee. Now that they were parked, Len still sat there with his hands on the wheel. "Jim?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah, Len?"

"You don't think...um, that is..." He glanced over briefly. "It could happen during this trip, could it? Us, I mean?"

Jim reached over and took his hand. "I was just flirting with you. If nothing happens, then it doesn't. No rush, okay?"

"Yeah, but - "

Len," Jim interrupted gently. "Listen to me." He waited until Len was looking at him. "My first time was the first night I moved in with Gary. We were the text-book definition of 'rushing into things'." He shook his head. "Sex isn't essential to a good relationship. Sure, it's amazing and you feel great, but if you're not treating someone right, or not treated right, it doesn't mean anything. When it happens for us, Len, it'll be right."

"You're sure?" Len asked, his voice ending in a tremor. He cleared his throat heavily, his chest rising quickly.

"I'm sure. We'll both know it, because it'll be love, not lust."

"...Okay. Thanks, Jim."

Jim kissed his cheek and patted his knee. "Let's just get the tent set up. You're gonna have to teach me how to do it, because I'll just end up hurting myself."

Len was in charge of bringing the tent supplies over. He'd bought them a week ago and at a good price, and hoped to high hell it wasn't a crappy set. Jim, of course, enlisted himself the caretaker of the food, and was soon munching on doritos as Len instructed him on how to set up their cover. With Len's help, Jim learned quickly and soon was doing the other half.

"Wow, Jim, I'm impressed," Len looked at the finished work.

"It looks okay?"

"Oh, yeah," Len crouched down. "All secure."

Jim's chest puffed with pride at his success, and happily retrieved the sleeping bags and backpacks. They planned to go up the way to hike tomorrow, and Jim was glad they hadn't slacked off in their morning jogs. He unrolled the bags, then joined Len out on the picnic bench. They had a great view overlooking the ocean, and the other campsites were down the road. It really was perfect. Jim linked hands with him, and rested his head against Len's shoulder. "This is great."

Len's fingers squeezed his. "Yeah, it is."

They really didn't do much the rest of the afternoon. The tent was too warm to snuggle into, so they enjoyed the breeze under the shade of it and talked until the sun began to set. When it did, they silently watched it disappear against the the water, painting it red and orange. "Reminds me of home, a little," Leonard murmured.

"You ever...want to go back?" Jim asked.

"Sure, I mean, I can't stay away." He looked at Jim and suddenly understood. "Oh."

"I meant permanently, yeah."

"I dunno. I like it here, being with you. If I ever did go back, would you go with me?"

Without hesitation, Jim nodded. "Totally. Where you are, so am I."

Len shifted, feeling shy. "What about Iowa, Jim? Don't you ever want to go home and see your mama?"

Jim hesitated. He hadn't told Len exactly what was going on with Winona. There hadn't been any changes in Frank's behavior, for better or worse, so Jim hadn't felt the need to take action. He was close to calling Chris about it, though, unsure if the man knew or not. "Eventually. I love her, just she and I aren't always on the same page."

Len caught the feeling that Jim didn't want to talk about it. So he simply nodded and dropped the subject. He patted Jim's knee and stood, then moved to their bags and pulled out a few items. "Want smores?"

"Um, duh?" Jim laughed, and eagerly went to assist him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun chapter :) I can just imagine Jim downing at least five smores in a row, and Len daring to start a third because, hey, it's vacation time. Thanks for reading!!


	10. Let's Talk About Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len makes a discovery, and he and Jim start talking more about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags added :) Next week will have more, too.

Len woke up to what sounded like a grizzly bear in his tent. He knew it wasn't - it was Jim snoring - but it startled him awake. Len blinked rapidly, turned to his right, and stifled a laugh.

Jim was sprawled on his back, mouth agape, the snores tearing through him. Not wanting to disturb him, Len quietly slipped out of his sleeping bag and grabbed his shoes. He carefully opened the tent flap, then zipped it back up and put his shoes on before heading to the bathrooms near their site.

As he sat, finishing his business, it was then that he noticed something. He frowned and looked down, and cautiously examined what he knew was definitely different. There was a soft bump sticking out, just visible past his hairs and totally strange. How had he not noticed this before? Len curiously probed at it, and felt that it was sensitive. He felt a blush creep over, recognizing the sensation, and quickly pulled up his boxers and pants. He washed his hands hurriedly, then headed back down to the tent and shuffled in.

Jim was waking up, but Len was raiding his backpack for his phone. Jim looked up at him sleepily. "Morning. You...okay?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah..." He fished out his cell, then looked at the bars, and sighed - no reception. After a minute, Len decided that, perhaps, it wasn't anything to worry over. He made a mental note to talk to Scotty about it during his next visit. _So weird..._

Jim was propped up on his elbow now, eyes still on him. "You sure you're all right?"

Len just tucked his phone away, then smiled and settled down next to Jim. "Yeah. Y'know, you snore awful loud."

Jim rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yeah, I know, sorry. Just tell me to turn over, and I'll stop."

Len grinned and slid closer, wrapping his arm over Jim's waist. "Okay." His lips melded with Jim's, and they spent the next ten minutes in silence. Jim shifted his weight gently onto Len, and his hand unconsciously slid into Len's t-shirt. Len wasn't wearing his binder, so Jim's finger's began to brush against the soft tissue. They shared another kiss, but suddenly Len pulled away stiffly.

Jim stopped. "Sorry." He began to pull his hand away, knowing he'd crossed the line.

Len shrugged. "I just dunno why you'd be interested in my breasts, Jim." He'd meant it seriously, but both of them sort of laughed.

Jim shook his head. "I'm interested in you," he answered honestly. "I'm used to being really physical. More than I've been with you."

"Like, kind of rough?"

"No," Jim murmured lightly, and his lips went back to Len's neck. "I like to feel close, so touch helps. If you don't like it, I won't do it." He smiled down at Len. "Boundaries and safe words are important for me."

Len looked up at him in mild guilt. "Okay. Maybe...not yet."

Jim swooped down for a chaste kiss, then eased off of him. "No problem." He sat cross-legged as he stretched, then ran a hand through his messy hair. "So, what do we want to do today? The hike?"

Len managed to pull himself back up, already missing Jim in his arms. "Yeah, sounds good. The path is just up the road, so we don't need to drive."

They sat at the picnic table and ate bowls of their preferred cereals, then Len slipped into the tent to get into his day clothes. When his shirt came off, he looked down at his chest. Ever since he'd gotten these damn things, he'd hated them. He just didn't see the appeal, especially for Jim. Len didn't have any of the equipment Jim should be interested in. He scowled down at his breasts again before hiding them under his binder.

He stepped back out, and stretched while Jim hopped into his sneakers and shorts. Jim joined him afterwards, and then they gathered up their packs and hit the trail. It was a nice morning, warming up but not too hot. The trees around them provided shade, and there wasn't anyone around them. That gave Len time to collect his thoughts, and the question he'd been thinking of since leaving.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, I want to ask you something."

Jim tossed him a smile. "Sure. What's up?"

"Well," Len wrapped his palm against the back of his neck. "I want to know...you said before that sex isn't essential, but that it's great."

Jim's smile faltered, and his step slowed. He matched Len's pace, and reached out for his hand. "I'm gonna be honest, I love sex. Even when Gary...started getting bad, we were still having it a lot. It was part of why I couldn't get out of the relationship sooner; Gary was good at it, he knew I loved it, and used that to his advantage. I fell for it every time, which is why I'm telling you it isn't essential. I don't want to put that on you if you aren't ready."

"...I'm getting there."

Jim's smile returned. "That's fine."

"...What's it like?"

A content sigh left Jim's lips as he looked at the path ahead. "It might not sound glamorous when put this way, but it's like masturbating. Only a million times better," Jim shivered. "It just feels great."

Len slowed to a stop, and a blush formed on his cheeks. He looked down, biting his lip. "I've never..."

Jim looked at him. "Never?"

"W-Well, sort of, once. When I was in middle school. I really wanted to know what it felt like, but nothing happened and I just felt awkward. I've never had an orgasm."

Jim's grip tightened slightly on Len's hand. He had not known this about his boyfriend, but somehow it made sense. If Len didn't like his body, why would he want to pleasure it? "Don't feel ashamed, okay?" He could see it in Len's eyes. "The fact that you haven't, it doesn't mean anything."

Len looked at him. "It's not weird to you?"

Jim just shook his head. "Not at all," he cleared his throat. In fact it was the complete opposite. Len was one-hundred percent virgin, and he was that close to asking Jim to take that. "Okay," Jim finally uttered. "If you have other questions, you can ask. Honestly, though, it's making me really want sex, and I know you're not ready yet."

Len gave a weak chuckle. "Right. Maybe we should just enjoy the hike."

They didn't speak another word on it. They reached the half-summit, which gave them a fantastic view of the ocean below. People were swimming and boating, and smoke from the grills was rising. The fresh air gave Jim and Len a chance to clear their heads, and they sat for a good half-hour, quiet and soaking in the sun.

Len was the first to break the silence before they headed further up. "Jim, thanks for understanding. I don't know why I had an impulse to ask, I just..."

Jim smiled. "Don't worry. The fact that you trusted me with it means a lot."

"...I think, when we get back, I'll make a decision. I really think I'm ready to at least do that."

"Okay. Just take your time, and make sure it's right for you." He patted Len's shoulder, then the two of them started up the trail again.

~*~*~*~

"Leonard, lad!" Scotty greeted brightly.

"Hey, doc," Len smiled. "How are you? Summer been good t'ya?"

"Oh, aye. Yourself?"

Len hopped up into his usual spot on the examination chair, rolling up his sleeve. "Yeah. Just got back from camping with Jim last week. Just what we needed, I think."

Scotty's eyes were on the needle as he filled the dosage. "Relationship all right? Stressful?"

"Oh, no worries. We just...well, we kind of realized we want to take the next step."

Scotty looked over seriously, understanding. "I see. Well, it's always better to be safe before you jump into it - protection and all."

"Yeah, I was going to ask about that. It's been weighing on me a little - do I need birth control? I mean..."

To Len's surprise, Scotty shook his head. "No. Since your menstruation stopped, you're not going through cycles that would encourage pregnancy. Testosterone pretty much kicks that out the door," he smiled. "I meant for your partner. Condoms, keeping clean, all that."

"Oh," Len nodded. "Okay. Look, before I do my shot, I need to ask you something else." Scotty's nod prompted him. "See, I was using the bathroom, and I noticed something...sticking out down there? It's sensitive, feels like when I'm getting, y'know..."

"Ah. Same feeling of when you're aroused?"

Len cleared his throat, feeling his face heat up. "Yeah. Is it normal?"

"Oh, yes. Looks like you're finally getting some length, or more commonly, 'growth', and I'll explain what that is. It's nothing to worry about at all. When the female body is exposed to a hormone such as testosterone, lots changes. This includes the sexual organ, or, the part that's growing. You've been on T for 'bout ten months now?"

"Yep."

Scotty chuckled. "Just a late bloomer, then. It'll grow more as the months go along. Does that help your concern?"

Len gave a small shrug. "Sure, I suppose. I just didn't expect it. This isn't weird, then?"

"No, lad. Look, everyone I've ever had as my patient - when they get their growth - refer to it as their penis, or any synonym of it. It really secures how they begin to feel about their bodies. Also, I'm going to get personal and tell you that growth reacts like one, too. When aroused, it hardens and lengthens. Many transgenders don't opt for bottom surgery because, again, of how confident they feel about it."

Len breathed in relief. This wasn't the news he'd been expecting at all, but it helped so much more than he'd imagined. "Okay. Thanks, doc."

After getting his shot, he headed home. As he stood in front of his door, he looked over at Gaila's and bit his lip. Finally he knocked on her apartment, and only had to wait a few seconds before she answered. "Len, hi!"

"Good, you're home," he smiled. "Hey, you wanna come over for a bit? I need someone to talk to."

"Oh, sure, hon," Gaila's eyes flickered with concern. They walked into Len's apartment after Gaila locked hers, then sat together on the couch. "So, tell me what's up."

Len first explained his discovery on the camping trip, then his doctor's visit and what Scotty told him. He ended on his feelings towards what he and Jim had talked about. "I'm not quite ready, Gaila, but at the same time, I am. I...want to know how it feels before I have sex with Jim."

Gaila nodded understandingly. "You don't want to be surprised, or not sure of what your body's doing."

"Exactly. I was thinking...a toy would help? Or something?" Len never thought he'd ask. Of course, he had no experience with this, so all he could do was trust Gaila.

She reached out and patted his knee. "Okay. Well, let me get ready, and we'll go shopping!" She hopped up and hurried over to her apartment. Len decided to call Jim and let him know he'd be out. Jim answered after a couple of rings.

_"Hi!"_

"Hey, Jim. Um, Gaila and I are goin' out for a few - I might not be home when you get back."

 _"Ohh, a date without me?"_ Jim teased.

Len rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah."

_"Okay. Have fun, I'll see you later, then!"_

"O-Okay. Love you."

He heard Jim sigh contently. _"Love you, too."_

Len hung up, then stepped out into the hall and met Gaila there. "Thanks for helping me with this," he said sincerely. "I have no idea what I'm supposed to do."

"No worries!" Gaila patted his shoulder as they walked to the elevator. "The point is that you're comfortable, and there are plenty ways to help with that."

Len nodded stiffly, hands shoved in his pockets. "Well, it's the first step."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter was explained well, and not too awkward. I had to write it several times because it definitely WAS at first. I'd heard about growth before, but I actually JUST learned what it is, so it was time to add it in. Some people start getting it very early on in their transition, some do not. Len, is, as Scotty put, a late bloomer.
> 
> Also, I felt I should explain Jim's touchy-feeliness. Yes, he's gay, and as a general rule that means attraction to male bodies. However, there's a huge spectrum, and it's come up again that he's attracted to Len's body because it's LEN. It's not that he thinks Len's body is unattractive, it's that up until now he's been indifferent. His first partner was abusive, but good in bed. He knows what HE likes, but he's still learning as to what others like (if that makes sense).
> 
> As always, input and feedback are much appreciated! Any questions asked will be answered to the best of my abilities! Thank you for reading!! You are all awesome.


	11. The Next Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len makes his decision.

As Gaila parked the car, Len looked up at the name of the sex shop. It was called, "Does Your Mother Know?" Len had to laugh, because, no, she did not. If there was one thing he and his parents had only covered basics of, and never talked much about again, it was sex. Len had been dealing more with his identity during that time than anything else.

When they stepped inside, Len went from slightly nervous to overwhelmed. The walls were adorned with packaged toys, underwear, straps and other things Len couldn't give a name. Gaila giggled quietly at his expression. "You're so cute. Don't worry, I won't get anything weird for you, just something simple."

When the sales guy asked what he could help with, Len shook his head politely. "No, just...looking for now. Thanks." He'd much rather have Gaila pitch sales right now than a stranger.

Gaila led him over to one wall, and looked over the items. "Okay. I think for a first time, nothing vibrating." She looked over in confirmation, and Len nodded. "Let's see...ah-ha!" She took an item and handed it over.

Len looked it over. It was mostly straight except for the curved, rounded end. It was blue, and called a...what? "BSwish Bgee?" Len asked quietly. "What the fuck?"

Gaila snickered again. "The name isn't important, just as long as you can get off. Trust me, you will. Now, this part," she pointed to the rounded end, "goes first. It's gonna hit the right spot and you are going to lose your mind."

Len took a deep breath. "Okay. What else?"

"Well, you'll want lube. You don't need a ton," she added informatively, "just to make it slide easier. Water-based is always good, and they have that here."

Len nodded, then looked at the foreign item in his hands. If this didn't work, he didn't know if he'd ever be comfortable having sex. "Okay. That's all I'll get today, then."

It ended up not being as overwhelming as he'd thought, and he was feeling better about the idea by the time they got home. Before he and Gaila went into their own apartments, she stopped Len at the door. "Hey. I think you should tell Jim."

"Err..."

"I mean, let him know you need personal time. I mean, nothing's worse than getting into it and having someone knock on the door. Or, walk in," she added with a grim expression. "Jim will understand."

"...Okay. I'll, uh, see you later. Thanks again."

Gaila winked. "Any time."

Len's nerves returned at the thought of telling Jim, but as he walked in, he realized he had no time to think about that. Jim was already home, reclining on the couch with his eyes closed. He looked up at Len at the sound of the door, and smiled. "Hey. You're back already?"

Len tried to keep the bad inconspicuously at his side. "Er. Yeah. Um, Jim, I...gotta ask you something." He set the bag at the side of the couch, then perched himself on the arm. Jim reached up and wrapped his arm loosely over Len's waist, resting his head against Len's thigh.

"What's up?"

"So, Gaila took me shopping for some things. Things I need for...me time."

Jim stilled, then raised his head. "Oh."

Len blushed and looked away. "I dunno if it's even gonna work."

Jim stood up. "Don't stress. If you don't end up liking it, then don't force yourself. I'm gonna go out for a bit, give you the place to yourself."

"Er, Jim - " Len began. "You don't have to leave..."

Jim shook his head. "No, I want to. Knowing someone else is around - even if they don't bother you - it kind of messes with the relaxation process. A quiet house is just what you need." He smiled, then turned and headed out. After a delayed moment, Len wandered into his room with everything. He first opened the package, took the plastic off the lube cap, and set both on the nightstand.

He looked at them for a long time, arms wrapped over his middle. Anxieties began to creep in, the what ifs nagging at his brain. When it started to get bad, Len finally had to take a breath. It shouldn't be this stressful, should it? He shook his head, knowing it would be different this time. It had to be, for his own sake. Finally he crawled into bed, grabbed the two items, and tried to relax.

~*~*~*~

Len slid down into the warm water, letting it blanket him as he raised his eyes to the ceiling. Operation Len-feeling-good-about-his-body had been a success, to say the least. He wasn't sure how he'd imagined it happening, but it had been better. He shivered as he remembered Jim's words on their trip.

Sex was even better than that.

Len draped his hands over his chest, a light feeling underneath. Every time he thought about that exact moment, his heart skipped a beat. His growth was still sensitive, having been stroked during the entire thing. He wondered if that was what it was like for cis-men, the same pleasant, throbbing ache. Was that what Jim meant?

Len's breath caught as he thought of Jim. How many times had he envisioned it, them pressed close together in bed, limbs tangled and breath mixed as they kissed. Len bit his lip and slipped underwater for a few seconds. When he came up, he pushed his wet hair from his eyes and took a deep breath. He wanted Jim to make him feel that way again.

When the water began to cool, Len decided it was time to get out. He was just sitting up when he heard the keys in the handle, and the door opening and closing. Len paused, listened. There wasn't any sound until Len heard shuffling outside the bathroom door. Then a hesitant knock, and Jim's voice. "Uhh, Len?"

"Yeah, in here. Be out in a while," Len called.

"O-Oh, okay."

Len realized he hadn't really washed up, so he did so, then pulled himself out and dried off. He'd brought the toy in with him and washed it, so it was sitting on the edge of the sink. Len wrapped his towel over his body, then picked up his new friend and stepped into the hall. He hurried into his room, closed the door, then leaned against it. It was now or never.

He didn't bother getting too dressed up. Just a comfortable tee and his boxer shorts, no binder. He dried off his hair a little more, then spent a few moments looking at himself in the mirror. "I can do this," he reassured himself. "Just go out there, and..." He wasn't sure what the 'and' was. He had no idea how this was supposed to work. It was definitely different than the movies.

When Len made his way out into the living room, Jim was on the couch. He was also dressed in comfy clothes, his gym shorts and a tee. He seemed to be lost in though before Len caught his eye. "Hey. Sorry, I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

Len just shook his head. Without a word, he settled down into Jim's lap, trailing his hands over Jim's chest. Then he took a deep breath, and leaned in for a sealing kiss.

Jim was caught by surprise. The shaky way Len pushed out his breath, Jim recognized it. Hesitant but steady, and decisive. Jim pulled him closer, planting his hands over Len's hips. He jutted his tongue along the seam of Len's lips and they parted, granting him easy access. Len shifted again, their hips knocking together in just the right way. Jim's breath hitched as his cock twitched, and Len let out a tiny moan.

Jim's hands slid upward, carefully, and breached the hem of Len's shirt. When he reached Len's chest, he hesitated. Len surprised him again by taking his hand and guiding it up, to cup over Len's breast. "S'okay," Len whispered. "Want you to."

Jim squeezed gently, and Len's head dropped onto Jim's shoulder. "You like it," he commented. Len just nodded and let Jim's warm hands massage over his skin. Jim pressed kisses into the crook of his neck, and he shivered. Finally he raised his head again and their lips met, and they didn't part for the next few minutes.

Len was the first to break the silence, though their lips still danced together. "Your room?"

Jim captured another kiss, nodding. "Yeah. Good idea."

In Jim's room, the only light cast over them was from the desk lamp. They'd crawled into bed, under the covers and their clothes tossed away. Len was on his back, Jim kissing every part of him possible. Practically worshiping him with his lips; Len never could have imagined someone giving him this much attention. "Jim," he gasped quietly.

Jim met his eyes again, and cupped the side of his face. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah," Len stammered. He felt a shiver surge through his body, and Jim pulled him close. "I'm okay."

Jim nodded. He reached over into his nightstand drawer, and pulled out lube and a condom. As Jim unwrapped it, that gave them both a chance to breath. Jim eased off of him, laying at his side. His hands slid under the covers, and as Jim adjusted the condom over his cock, his tongue jutted out. Finally he muttered, "Okay, good to go. Now," he turned on his side. Then he looked at Len for a long moment, smiling. "You want me to prep you?"

Heat flushed across Len's cheeks, and he bit his lip. "I...okay."

Jim picked up the lube, uncapped it, then slicked up two fingers. Then he positioned himself over Len again, pressing their foreheads together. As he slipped one finger inside, Len tensed lightly and his eyes closed. "Tell me if it hurts," Jim murmured. He continued to distract Len by peppering his lips and neck with kisses, until Len was ready. It was a hell of a lot different than what he was used to - easier.

He took a little more lube to slick over his cock, then shuffled closer and began to guide it in. Len's hands shot up to grip his shoulders, and he let out a shuddering gasp. "Jim...ah..."

Jim worked slowly, and Len's body adjusted to his girth inch by inch. Finally Jim was settled in, and canted his hips a couple of times. "You okay?" Jim asked again.

Len just shook his head in exasperation, and pulled Jim flush against him. "Just kiss me already!" He begged. Their lips crashed together again, and Jim's thrusts found a steady rhythm. Len's head fell back against the pillow and he suddenly saw stars. "God, like that, Jim," he moaned. A strange keen scraped against his throat, and his toes curled into the mattress. One leg finally swung over Jim's hip, urging him deeper. Len clawed lightly at Jim's back, starting to feel a familiar tightness and heat in his stomach. "Fuck, Jim, s-so, close," his voice pitched higher.

Jim grunted as he quickened the movement of his hips. "C'mon," he grunted. "Come for me, babe, you're close..." He nibbled at Len's collar bone, sucking a bruise into the dip as he dove in again. Len's breathing came to a staggering halt, and suddenly he cried out.

"YES, fuck, Jim, m'coming, fuck - " Len arched up as his body tensed, and that releasing heat washed through his system. Jim followed right after, his own orgasm rippling through him. His head dropped against Len's chest, sawing his breaths out. When he managed to raise his head at last, Len's eyes were on him. They both huffed a mutual, awed laugh, and their lips met again.

It was a slow kiss, but heated. "Jim," Len uttered thickly. "Love you. I love you so much."

Jim pulled away carefully, and saw tears in Len's eyes. "Hey, you okay?" He was relieved when Len nodded, an emotional smile on his lips. "It's okay, I've got you. God, I love you," he whispered, and pulled Len into his arms.

"S-Sorry," Len stammered. His entire body quaked now, the sweat cooling against his skin. "M'shaking, I don't know why."

Jim pressed a kiss into Len's messy locks. "I did, too, my first time. You're just happy, that's all." He felt Len nod against him, and tipped his chin up. He brushed his thumb over Len's cheek. "You're beautiful, you know that?"

"Jim...thanks. I..." Len blinked a couple of times, trying to reign in his emotions again.

"You are. Don't forget that, okay? I love you."

"Oh, Jim," Len gave a shaky sigh. He rested his head again, and Jim's fingers trailed through his hair. "I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an exceptionally hard time with this chapter, so I hope it ran smoothly. I tried to make it mostly about Len, and experiencing his first time. Realizing that, holy crap, this is new and a big deal and DIFFERENT. And at the end, that he was loved took priority over everything else.


	12. Trigger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Len talk about things the morning after. Later, while registering for school classes, Jim runs into Gary.

Len woke feeling fuzzy and light, like waking from a nap. Of course, as he opened bleary eyes and looked at the clock, he found it was the next morning. He turned back to Jim and watched him stretch and shift.

Smiling, Jim pulled him close. "Morning."

"Hey," Len replied shyly. They'd fallen asleep skin to skin, and Jim's warmth against him made him shiver. He began to say something, but Jim's lips crashed against his. By the time they broke apart they were breathless. "Morning to you, too," Len laughed.

"How are you feeling?"

Len blinked. "...About?"

"Last night," Jim said seriously.

"Oh. It was..." Len thought about it. "A little overwhelming, actually. In a good way," he added sincerely

Jim's brows raised as his hands pawed lightly over Len's hips. "Well, that's good."

Len's face tinted pink, and he buried into Jim's chest. "How...was it for you? I mean..."

Jim tipped Len's chin up, and pecked his lips. "It was fantastic. Trust me," he added, hoping to dispel the doubt in Len's eyes. "I'm really happy."

The relief washed over. "I am, too. Jim, I...don't know if I'm ever gonna find the words to describe how I feel."

Jim's smile widened. "It only gets better, babe."

Their lips danced for the next couple of minutes. Jim cradled the small of Len's back and teased with his lips. He was still finding pleasure spots, the things that made Len a mess underneath him. Len's pleading cries from last night still rang in his ears, and he could hear phantoms of it in the brunette's tiny gasps.

"Jim, I have to get to work," Len finally panted. Flushed and tense, but looking so ready to yield for Jim. "Sorry. I-I want to, but..."

Jim nodded understandingly. "Life must go on. I should get to the school and sign up for classes, or I'm going to miss the deadline."

Len sat up as Jim did, looking concerned. "You won't miss it, right?"

Jim grinned and rolled his eyes. "No. Just kept putting it off, don't worry." At Len's stern look, Jim laughed. "Don't worry, I'm serious! Look, I'm getting up right now," he demonstrated. "Going to get my clothes on, get my papers, and walk out that door. Future English teacher, right here."

Propped up on his elbows, Len grinned at him. Wordlessly, he motioned Jim back over with one finger; once Jim was sitting at his hip, he pulled Jim down for a kiss.

~*~*~*~

There was a huge, crowded line at San Francisco City College, just as Jim had suspected. Not that he didn't have the time, but it was his own fault for slacking. It was just the fact that Len's description of their night had been accurate - overwhelming in a good way.

Jim was used to having sex like watching t.v. Start the show, commercial break, get back to the show. His life was the program, and Gary had been his commercial break. Nothing special, not really paying attention, just mindless fucking. The only time Jim could recall feeling completely satisfied was his first few times. Oh. God, I hope Len doesn't feel that way, Jim suddenly thought. He wanted everything to be different between them. Special.

The line was slow moving. This was the crowd that hadn't jumped on the first openings for classes, so the air was stress-filled. As Jim listened to the conversations around him, he learned it was also the I'm-dropping-out-of-this-class, what-was-I-thinking, and the they-messed-up-my-schedule-again group. Jim was glad that he already had thought about his classes before making final selections, and had the papers printed already.

Forty minutes later, he finally managed to step into the quiet office. The line was divided between two secretary ladies, so Jim walked up to the one who motioned him forward. "I'd like to, uh, register for my - "

"Classes, I know," The weary woman gave a smile. "Of course, sugar." Jim passed over his papers and fee check, and simply had to wait for his schedule to print out. When it was all finished, the lady slipped it into the mandatory packet before handing it back. "There you go, young man. Any questions?"

"Oh, no, thanks." Jim gave his best smile.

"Okay, then. Report to your first class August twenty-ninth."

Papers in hand, Jim stepped out into the sun and took a satisfied breath. Come next month, he was going to be busy, but it would be worth it. This was the most he'd ever done for himself, and learning made him happy. He decided to text Len as he walked, and as he composed his message he thought about a visit to the cafe.

**:Done with registration, gonna swing by your w - :**

Jim bumped right into someone, and the force was enough to knock him off his feet. "Ouch!" He grumbled. His phone lay at his side, so he picked it up as a hand reached down for him. On instinct he extended his own, but as his eyes trailed up he froze. He really should have registered before today. "...Gary."

Gary Mitchell shifted, looking between Jim and their hands. His expression was impassive, but Jim knew better. Snakes didn't have much expression, after all. "It's nice seeing you."

Jim tried to collect the breath that had been punched from him. As soon as he caught it, he was up and stumbling the opposite direction. Shoving past people, trying to blink away the sports forming at the corners of his vision. He whipped around the corner and vaguely recognized where he was. His sneakers thudded the pavement as they carried him to the end of the block, and at the opposite corner he saw McQuaid's Bar and Grill - Gaila's workplace. Jim couldn't get across the crosswalk fast enough, and when he stumbled in, his gaze darted madly for his red-headed friend.

"Um, sir?" A young man approached. "Are you...okay? Do you need help?"

"Gaila," Jim gasped. He felt like he was trying to push a weight off his chest. "I'm a friend of hers, need to talk..."

The man gave a wary glance. "Hold on," he turned and walked away.

No one bothered Jim for a full three minutes. His eyes were on the street outside, searching for Gary in case he'd decided to follow. Jim sucked in another wavering breath and felt tears prick at his eyes. Gary was out of jail now, and Jim hadn't even been notified.

"Jim?" Gaila hurried up to him, her face full of concern. "Hey, honey, what is it?" She cupped his face, and felt that his entire frame was shaking. "Jim, come sit down, you look like you're gonna pass out!"

Once seated in a booth, Gaila had a water ordered for Jim to calm him. When it arrived he took a couple of sips, then heaved a deep sigh. "I ran into Gary."

Gaila froze, and her eyes widened. "What do you mean, you ran into him - "

"I mean, I literally ran into him. On the street, Gaila," Jim moaned. "H-He reached down, and I just, I panicked. I turned the other way and didn't look back." He looked down in shame.

Gaila reached out carefully. Her hand settled over Jim's, and she waited for him to wrap his fingers around his. "Jim, you did the right thing. Look at me, okay?" She paused until his blue eyes were on her. "What we need to do is _not_ panic. The protective order still has a year on it, right?"

"...Right."

"Okay. He didn't try to hurt you, did he?"

Jim blinked rapidly, and cleared his throat. "Uh, no, I don't think so. I fell, so I think he was just trying to..." Jim shook his head. Even if Gary was trying to help him up, he couldn't justify any actions. "No. He didn't follow me, I'm pretty sure."

Gaila glanced out the window next to them, just to ease both of their conscience. "Well, that's good. Listen, I'm taking you..." She paused, then cursed. "Damn, Carlie has the Jetta today. Okay, we'll walk home together."

"Gaila, you don't have to - " Jim began.

"I insist. I'm off in half an hour, and it's been dead today. I'll let my boss know, and then we'll leave." She stood, but before walking away she moved over to Jim's side and hugged him tightly. "You'll be okay."

Even for five minutes, it was an intense waiting game. The adrenaline was dying in his system, and he trembled. He shut his eyes every time he thought about how close Gary's menacing hand had been to his face. How many times had Jim been struck? He was brought from thought when his phone went off. Len was calling. Jim hesitated, but he knew if he didn't answer, Len would try again.

"H-Hello?" Jim squeaked, then cleared his throat and mentally kicked himself.

_"Jim? Hey, you mind explaining your weird text?"_

Jim frowned. "What to you mean?"

_"I got, "Done with registration, gonna swing by your..." and then it's just a bunch of letters."_

A nerve-ridden giggle left Jim's lips. "I'm sorry I...I ran into someone as I wrote it, and I must have hit send. I was going to stop by."

_"Oh. Are you close? I'm about done with my shift, so..."_

"Er..." Jim looked up at Gaila, who'd just returned. "Well, I got distracted on the way and ended up at McQuaid's. Um..."

 _"...Jim, are you okay?"_ Len asked seriously. _"You sound really out of breath, like, nervous."_

Jim knew in his heart he'd have to tell Len what happened. He didn't want to do it over the phone, though. "No, I'll be okay. Look, Gaila and I are heading home, s-so just come to her apartment when you're off."

 _"...Okay, then,"_ Len replied in mild frustration. _"I'll, uh, do that. Uh, bye, Jim."_

Jim hung up, then hung his head. "He's mad."

"He won't be, once he understands. I promise. Now come on, let's go home and relax - you seriously need it."

~*~*~*~

When Len knocked on Gaila's door, he heard her call for him to come in. Tentatively he opened it, and found her on the couch, Jim's head resting in her lap. Jim looked like he'd been crying, and hurried to wipe the rest of his tears away. "Jim?"

Jim sat up and gave Len a teary smile. Len sat on the other side of him and pulled him close. Jim fisted into the fabric of Len's shirt and nestled close, still sniffling. After a minute of hushing him, Len murmured, "Okay, now. If my mama were here, she'd ask what caused these crocodile tears. You wanna tell me?"

Jim sighed, and looked over his shoulder at Gaila. She gave him an encouraging smile, and nodded. "Tell him."

"...I saw Gary today." Jim felt Len stiffen, and looked up at him. "Nothing happened, don't worry. We ran into each other, and I ran away. McQuaid's was just around the corner, so I went there to find Gaila." He shook his head. "I just panicked. I was actually starting to calm down, until we got home and _she_ made me talk about my feelings," he waved at Gaila, but smiled to show he was kidding. It didn't go without earning a light kick to the rump. "Ouch, jerk!"

Len smiled, but at the back of his mind he was screaming. He didn't know what that bastard looked like, but all he could imagine was all the things he'd say...or do. Len sighed and kissed the top of Jim's hair. "Oh, Jim. I'm sorry...."

Jim looked back at him and frowned. "No, don't be. It was a chance occurrence, and now it's over. Gaila said she was going to give an earful to the courthouse for not letting me know Gary was out." When Len blinked, Jim winced. "Oh, yeah. Gary did Jail time."

Len's eyes closed, his mouth set in a tight line. "Good Lord."

"Don't freak out, okay?" Jim pleaded. "I just...I don't want to think or talk about it anymore." He was relieved when Len nodded, and rested his head on his chest. He could feel the steady, controlled rise and fall of Len's chest. The three of them sat in silence for the next while, Jim sandwiched in-between and starting to feel better. He was finally the one to break the quiet, and sat up. He smiled at Gaila, then pulled her into a hug. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Just get some rest, okay? Let Len take care of you, because he wants to." She smiled at Len over Jim's shoulder and winked. Len just gave a tired grin in response. Jim nodded, and with Len in arm the two headed back to their apartment. 

Once the door shut, Jim leaned against it and rubbed his eyes. They were still a little damp and raw now, and itched. "Fuck. It just keeps playing in my head. I need a distraction, big time."

Len looked him over, and bit his lip. Whenever he needed a distraction back home, he did chores. Cleaned, took care of animals, anything to keep his mind busy. His parents did the same, and they mostly tackled their problems internally before even talking about it. With Jim, Len could see the trapped look in his eyes. He needed an outlet, but Len had no idea what that might be.

He must not have been thinking straight, because all he could decide on was surging forward and pressing his lips against Jim's. Their hips knocked together, and Len's arms wrapped around Jim's waist. Jim's went around the back of Len's neck, and after a sec he pulled away. "Len."

"You need a distraction? I can fix that," he said, with just a tinge of uncertainty. In all honesty, he'd never thought of sex as the answer, but it was the only option coming to mind. He pushed forward again, but Jim moved back. He rested a finger tip against Len's bottom lip, then pressed their foreheads together. "Jim?"

"I....think I just need some time alone." In contradiction to his words, he clung to Len as the brunette began to pull away. "It's just...whenever one of us - Gary, mostly - was stressed, we used sex to vent."

This time, Len did move away. "That son of a bitch really had you, didn't he?"

Jim looked over at him. "What's that supposed to mean?" He said, in a voice more harshly than intended. 

Len looked back, arms folded. "He used you. He used what you love against you. I can't do that to you, Jim, it isn't right."

"Len," Jim choked, feeling his emotions rise again. "I'm not saying I don't want to, I just...don't want to use _you_. I don't want that to be our solution, okay? I just need a healthy relationship, and sometimes that means time alone."

Now Len looked hurt, but he was quick to hide it. "I understand that, Jim. I just didn't know what to do. I'll...leave you alone, okay? Time alone is good." He walked back over, and pecked Jim on the lips. "I love you."

The rest of the evening was quiet. Jim went to take a long shower, then retreated into his bedroom for a couple of hours. After getting into comfortable clothes, Len stayed in the living room. Though the television played, Len kept looking over his shoulder towards the hall. Jim hadn't made a peep, and it worried him. Usually Jim walked around or hummed, or sang songs or talked with Len. This was eating away at the both of them.

At the end of the night, Len made his way towards their bedrooms. Jim's room was closed off, dark and quiet. Len got as far as resting his palm on the door before opening his own. He settled down under the covers, and tried to sleep. It wasn't long before he heard a knock, and relief all but crashed over him. "Come in," he called. 

Jim stepped in. In the darkness, Len couldn't see much, but Jim's silhouette moved to the bed. Len pulled his covers aside invitingly, and Jim crawled in. The heat of their bodies washed over, and they lay facing each other. "How do you feel?" Len finally whispered. His fingers laced in with Jim's.

"A lot better. I'll be okay, I promise."

"Sure?"

Jim inched forward and kissed him. "I'm sure." He turned over on his other side, and guided Len's arm over his waist. "This...is perfect. It's what I need right now. To know you're here." 

Len shifted closer, and clasped his hand over Jim's. "I'm always here, Jim."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have my chapters publishing more often now that the year is winding down :) Thank you for your patience and continued support!! 
> 
> Some of these next chapters will be difficult ones, as a forewarning. We're reaching piques and the boys are going to have to work together to hike them!


	13. Phone Calls - Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len received news about his surgery, and makes a call to his parents.

Leonard's phone went off around eight in the morning. He woke suddenly, and groggily realized that Jim was dead asleep and sprawled over him. "Jim - "

"Hmm..."

"Shit. Jim, wake up, m'phone's ringin'." Jim blinked and looked over towards the source of the noise. He hurried to grab the phone, and passed it over.

Len caught the caller in time, but he didn't check to see who it was. "H'llo?"

_"Leonard!"_ Scotty's chipper voice rang through. _"Sorry, did I catch ya in the sheep pasture?"_

Len gave a rough laugh. "Nah, I'm awake. What's up?"

_"Well, I just finished a call with one of my very talented, highly recommended surgeon friends, Doctor Christine Chapel."_

At that news, Len shot up. "...A-And?" Was all Len could choke out. He mouthed an apology to Jim, who he'd nearly knocked off the bed. "I've, uh, heard of her. _Really_ highly recommended."

_"Yes, indeed. I've given her a general essay of your year with me, and your transition, and your desire for surgery. I was thinking that we could get together with her, and get this process started."_

On instinct, Len's free hand flew to his chest. It was mainly to keep his heart inside - it was pounding like crazy - but he realized he'd left his binder on. His chest was flat, something he'd wanted permanently for so long. He felt Jim's arm on his back, and he looked over. He finally let go of the breath he'd been holding, and smiled. "Doc, sorry, I...was having a moment."

_"I understand, lad,"_ Scotty replied solemnly. _"Take your time."_

"Yeah, Look, why don't I...call you back? I just need to really think about it." He didn't know why he was saying this; it was all he'd wanted for years. Suddenly, though, it was the realization that this was right around the corner. He said a final goodbye to Scotty, then hung up. He dropped his phone into his lap, and his face into his hands. "Oh, my God."

"What is it? Good, right?" Jim frowned uncertainly. "Bad?"

"Good, I think. Doctor Scott want's to schedule my surgery."

"That _is_ good, then!" Jim reached out for Len's hand and squeezed. "Hey, this is really good, babe."

"I..." Len glanced at him, then away. "Jim, I'm...kind of confused now. I mean, things I've felt recently, the...acceptance of my own body, I dunno." The excitement was starting to fade, the doubt creeping in. "What if I'm not happy with it? What if you're not...?"

Jim looked at him for a long moment. Then he reached out, and carded a couple fingers through Len's hair. "Len. This isn't about me. I will support you in whatever you decide, because I know that you won't decide until you know you'll be happy." He smiled, what he hoped was an encouraging one. Len gave a helpless sigh, and tucked into Jim's arms.

"M'scared, Jim. I didn't think I would be, but I am."

"It's okay," Jim murmured. He pressed a kiss into Len's hair, then patted his arm. "Being scared isn't bad. It just means you're fighting to face your fears." When Len looked up at him curiously, Jim smiled. "That's what my therapist said. I didn't believe him at first, I was too messed up from Gary. After a few months, though, I started to understand."

Len thought about his therapy sessions. He hadn't needed one in so long, but maybe it was time to start over. "You think so?"

"Yep. You shouldn't do anything you're not ready for, but if you are ready, do it. I love you," he added. "Surgery or not."

Len didn't make the call right away. He thought about it for the rest of the morning, and into early afternoon. He was alone, Jim at work, so he had the quiet house to think about it. There were moments where, when he thought about surgery, he felt anxious. Then other times, he was so excited it wasn't even funny. It wasn't until about three when the roller coaster settled, and he could think properly. He pulled his phone from his pocket, then dialed Scotty's office number, and made the call. "Scotty? Hey, I've decided. I want to do the surgery."

~*~*~*~*~

Jim stepped out from the bathroom, toweling down his hair. He shuffled into his room, but slowed to a stop at the sight. Len had dozed off, the covers tossed over his naked body. Jim smiled and shook his head, then slowly crept over. He sat down on the bed gingerly, then patted Len's stomach. "Hey."

Len stirred and looked up at Jim. "Did I fall asleep? Sorry," he groaned, sitting up. The fabric over his chest pooled in his lap, keeping only that part of him modest. "Shit, I didn't mean to, Jim."

Jim leaned close and pecked his lips. "It's okay. You surprised me, you know." He'd trudged into the apartment, beat from work, when Len had dragged him promptly into Jim's room and into bed. They lay together after, sated grins on their faces as they exchanged soft kisses. Jim finally suggested one of them shower first, and Len had invited him to go ahead.

Now, Len shyly bit his lip and shrugged. "In the mood, I guess. Home alone all day, I missed you."

"Hm, you keep talking like that, I'll keep you in bed," Jim murmured, before giving him an open kiss. He glided his tongue across Len's, securing his hand over the brunette's waist to pull him close. They nearly made a mutual decision on round two before Len shied away.

"Okay. I think a shower would be good, I dunno if I can do it so soon," he laughed. "Still kind of an emotional overload."

Jim nodded and let him go on, and couldn't help but admire after him as he left. Len had a fantastic body, plain and simply. Jim shivered and flopped back onto his bed, heaving a content sigh. He heard the shower turn on, and let the mixture of silence in his room, and the muted patter of water down the hall lull him into a doze. He wasn't sure how long he was out, but when he opened his eyes, the water had stopped.

Len's voice carried from the living room; he was talking to someone. Jim got to his feet and listened for a second. He realized Len was calling home, so he didn't want to eavesdrop. He simply closed the door, and began to dress.

Len meanwhile, was slowly moving past greetings with his parents, and working up to the big news. As he started the words, his mother was beginning with something else. _"Um, Len - "_

"Mom - "

_"Oh, sweetheart,"_ Eleanora laughed. _"You go on ahead."_

"You sure? You can go first - "

_"No, honey, please."_

Len took a deep breath, then another. "O-Okay. So, I talked to Doctor Scott, my hormone doctor, and he said, uh..." Shit, just say it, Len. "He said it's about time for my surgery. I told him I want to do it as soon as possible."

The response from the other end was not exactly expected. Silence, and as seconds ticked by, Len could feel the weight of it. It wasn't surprise, just heavy. When he called to his mother, she cleared her throat. _"Honey, that's...that is such wonderful news. I'm sorry, I just, I can't believe it's already time. You're really ready to do this?"_

"...Yeah. Um, Mom, are you okay?"

Her voice was thick when she answered. _"I'm just cryin', that's all,"_ she laughed. _"I'm so proud of you, Len. Listen, I'm gonna pass you to your father - "_ She cut off, each word quaking a little more. There was a muffled sound of her passing the phone, then David was there.

_"You...know your mother,"_ he said softly. _"She's just happy, okay? Nothing's wrong, okay?"_

Len swallowed a sudden lump in his throat. "You sure? She said she had something to tell me...is it bad?"

_"No, no. It was about her group of friends, or something. They've been crafting and knitting this house into a giant sweater,"_ David chuckled. _"So, tell me, does the surgery have a date yet?"_

"No, um..." Len was still trying to recover from whatever it was that had just happened. "I'll call you again when it's set."

_"Okay. Are you doin' okay otherwise? Health, finances?"_

"Yeah, I'm doin' good, papa. You?"

There was another pause. David had a smile in his voice when he responded. _"You haven't called me papa since you were four. Ohh,"_ he growled. _"Now I'm gettin' emotional, dammit. I just miss you, okay? You just take care of yourself, ya hear?"_

"You, too, papa. Just tell Mom I love her, I gotta go, okay?"

_"Okay. Love you, kid."_

"Love you, too." Len replied, his voice strained. He hung up, and for the longest time sat in silence. Something was wrong, something they weren't telling him, and he didn't like it. It had to be serious, too. His parents usually were pretty open unless it was something grave. Even then, it was like pulling teeth. Len had tried to find the right words to ask, to get them to confess, but he couldn't find them.

The only word he could utter was, "Jim?" More silence, but then even as he heard Jim's door open, he called again. "Jim - "

"Hey, what is it?" Jim looked down in concern. He sat down at Len's side, surprised as his boyfriend scrambled to pull him close. "Hey. Are you okay? Len, you're out of breath..."

Was he? He felt it now, his chest rising too quickly, swelling painfully. He gripped Jim's hand and shook his head. "I...somethin's not right at home, but, they won't tell me."

"You're sure?"

"I'm almost positive. I just...I can feel it, Jim, there's something wrong."

"Okay, take a couple of deep breaths, Len," Jim instructed. He was starting to worry about Len's reaction to something he wasn't completely sure of. Almost positive wasn't certain, but Len wasn't taking that well. "Come on, I've got you, okay? Just try and relax a little."

Len nodded, and leaned into his embrace. "Yeah. I think I'm just...missing home maybe? I dunno..."

"Anything I can do?"

"Just...this is perfect, Jim." Len looked down at their entwined fingers. "You here with me, that's all."

Jim remembered last night, when all he'd needed was Len's touch. A secure arm around him, occasional whispered, "I love you," until he'd fallen asleep. So, Jim did the same, and they two stayed on the couch for a long time.


	14. Phone Calls - Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleanora and David call Len, and encourage him to keep doing what he is doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tags and characters updated**

Eleanora had paced a hole in the hall floor. She'd gone out to lose her head for a second, and come back to hear the end of David's conversation with Len. After they'd said goodbye, David had started to cough. He'd probably waited the entire call out before letting himself do it.

As she turned around again, the kitchen door opened. She paused, and let her shoulders slump. "You okay, darlin'?" She asked him. She felt his hand on her shoulder, and her composure broke again. "David."

"I'm here, Ellie." He pulled her around to face him, and into his arms. He wasn't as strong anymore, felt like he couldn't really give her the hug she needed. "I'm still right here."

"David," she sobbed. "I couldn't tell him. I just, he had such good news, and..."

"I know," he sighed. "I didn't do any better."

They didn't know what to do. They'd gotten back from the doctor's this morning; David's lung infection from last winter had worsened. It was cancer, and had spread enough to start shutting him down. The doctor had given them treatment options, but they couldn't afford it. Len's hormone treatment was their first priority, and now with the surgery even more so.

They knew what he would say. He'd demand to be taken off, to not do the surgery. To not be as happy as he could be. David couldn't stand the thought of that. As Len's childhood nickname for him echoed in his mind, fresh tears sprang to his eyes. He finally had to blink them away, and ease his wife from his arms. "Listen, I'm...gonna go do some work, okay? I need to sort out the firewood, and pull some weeds."

Eleanora looked up at him, and finally nodded. "You call if you need me. Bundle up, you here? I don't care that it's a nice day, just, please."

He patted her head, nodded, and made his way into the front room. Eleanora went back into the kitchen, looked at the phone and the hospital estimate, and all but collapsed into the closest chair. She couldn't cry anymore, she was too tired. She knew that Len knew something was wrong, and it hurt to think he was worried. Len worried like his mother, pacing, biting nails, muttering. David's worry had always been internal, so he could keep the rest of his family calm. She gave a shuddering sigh, and thought she might actually cry again.

Her husband of only twenty-one years was going to die.

At the end of the day, the two settled down on the couch for an old Eastwood movie. Just a distraction, for a little while, and one of David's favorites. He supposed it wouldn't be so bad, letting his wife spoil him as he knew she would. The doctor had given him to the end of the year to live, so why not?

They were both tired, and fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. Eleanora was the first to wake, and realized it was one in the morning. She shook David gently, then the two shuffled off to bed. As they lay there, cuddled close with David's arm around her, Eleanora spoke softly. "We should tell him."

"...So soon?"

"Yeah. If he makes the date for that surgery, and finds out after, all hell will break loose. Len will never forgive us, David."

He nodded against her soft hair. "For sure," he agreed. "Okay, tomorrow."

~*~*~*~*~

Len had been at work when he got the call. He'd missed it, felt the phone vibrate in his back pocket, and checked it after he was done helping customers. He looked at the ID name, and frowned. "Hey, Karu?"

Hikaru looked over at him, halting his conversation with his boyfriend. "Yeah?"

"Um...my parents called. They don't usually call unless it's important - long distance, and all. Could I...?"

"Sure, I'll take over."

Len moved to the back room for privacy. He dialed the number, then listened to the few, short rings before his mother answered. "Hey, mama. Saw you called."

_"Len, honey, where are you right now?"_

"At work, but..." He heard her curse. "Mom, what is it? I've been worried sick all night and today. Is something wrong?"

That's when she'd told him. She'd said it short and simple, but not without emotion. _"Your father is...dying, Len."_

The first seconds were registry. The next were disbelief. After that, the realization came that it was true, because his mother wouldn't lie or make light of her husband's illness. All Len could say was, "What...what is it? What's he got?"

 _"Lung cancer. That infection last winter just didn't wanna go, honey."_ Her voice wavered, and it wired all the way to Len's tear ducts.

"What about treatments, Mom? I-If it's about money, I..." Len stopped, his blood running cold. "My treatments. They're expensive and - "

 _"No, honey, it isn't that,"_ Eleanora insisted. _"Daddy's sickness was so gradual, none of us saw it. The only reason we finally took him is because he...well, he collapsed one day."_

He could just imagine it. His father insisting he was okay, but the strong will of Eleanora making him go to the doctor. Getting the news, that was hard to imagine. "How...how did Daddy take it, Mom?" Len choked. He was losing control fast, had to find something to keep him stable.

 _"He's..well, he is how he is, Leonard. He gets up every day and works, like nothing's changed. Look, we're still trying to find a solution, okay? Just...don't lose hope. We'll figure it out. Len?"_ She added when he didn't answer after a minute.

"I...I need to come home." Len took a breath, able to think more clearly. If he could just go home and sort it out -

_"Honey, it's not that we don't want you to, it's just, you've worked so hard for this. We've been just as anxious to see this through as you have. We want you to be happy, baby."_

"Mom," Len pleaded. "Please, if he's dying, I need to be with him!"

The wince was audible in his mother's voice as she spoke over him. _"Len, hey, listen to me. He's not...dyin' today, okay? Your father is gonna stick this out a while yet, and we both think you should think of yourself right now."_

Think of himself? How could he do that, when all he could picture in his mind his father's face? All the things they'd done together, everything they'd been through. He wasn't ready to let his father go yet. "Mom...I don't know what to do..."

 _"Oh, honey,"_ Eleanora whispered. _"I don't, either."_

"Where is he now? Could I talk to him?"

_"He's out running errands, needed supplies for something. I'll have him call you later tonight, okay?"_

Len nodded, forgetting she couldn't see him. "Yeah. Okay, just call me as soon as he gets back. I'll be home. I...should get back to work." The words sounded hollow. Offensive, like they shouldn't even be in this conversation. His mother sent her love and a final goodbye, and Len hung up. After a minute, he managed to make it out to the front. He had to work, to keep from breaking apart.

Hikaru was finalizing a transaction, Pavel making the drink. Len shuffled over and got Hikaru's attention. "I can, uh, take over again."

Hikaru's eyes widened as he looked his employee over. "Len? Are you okay?" He moved closer, hands extended a little. "You look really pale."

"No, I'm fine, I'm..." Len breathed, and suddenly he couldn't. His vision swam and he reeled - in which direction he wasn't sure. He heard alarmed voices around him, but he couldn't make sense of anything for a while. His heart felt like it was going to burst, his throat constricted. It was all fuzzy for a while, and suddenly his vision began to clear. There was a light being shone in his eye, and he blinked rapidly.

"There we go, he's waking up. Leonard, do you understand me?"

It was a paramedic. Len nodded in confusion and tried to sit, but the warm press of hands kept him down. "What happened?" He mumbled.

"Do you know where you are?"

"Uh...work."

The man nodded. He asked a few more questions, all of which Len answered correctly. Two medics sat him up slowly, then eased him into a chair against the wall. "We're going to take your blood pressure, then see how you're feeling in a few minutes."

"Call Jim," he heard Hikaru say, and turned towards his voice. He tried to wrap his head around everything, but he mainly just sat there as the medical cuff was strapped over his bicep. "I...passed out," he mumbled.

"You did. Your boss called us over quick, and you've been out for about ten minutes."

"Jeez." Len frowned, rubbing between his eyes. He was starting to feel shaky and sick. "Could I get some water?" The man acquiesced, and Pavel brought a fresh water bottle over. Len tried to open it, but his hands felt a little numb, like he'd been sleeping on them. He growled his frustration until Pavel gently took it and opened it for him. "Thanks, Pav."

They only let him take small sips at a time. By the time he'd finished half of it, he was starting to feel better. Suddenly the door bell chinked, and all heads turned to see an out-of-breath Jim Kirk. He and Len had just enough to look at each other before Hikaru walked Jim away to the other end of the shop. They spoke quietly.

When it was over, Len didn't need to go to the hospital. Hikaru was instructed to let him go home, and for Len to be under supervision the rest of the night. Hikaru nodded, thanked the men, and escorted them out. He locked the door behind him, and turned the open sign to closed. Then he walked back over to Len. "Are you feeling okay? You scared the hell outta me."

Len looked up at him, tried to smile. "Dunno what the fuss is about a little faintin'."

Pavel joined them, and huffed a laugh. "Sounds like you are back to your old self. You really did scare us."

"You don't hafta close the store, Karu..."

"I'll open when Jim takes you home. You two don't have a car, though..."

Jim cleared his throat, desperate to make himself a part of this. All he'd been able to do was stand from afar and wait, worried out of his mind. "Gaila can take us. I'll call her, but...could I talk to Len for a second?"

The two men nodded, and slipped from the room to grant privacy. Jim walked over to Len and pulled up a chair. He sat close, taking both Len's hands. "Karu called me at work. Said you'd passed out, and..." He swallowed. His voice was heavy, low and quiet. "Are you sick? What happened?"

 _I'm not the one who's sick_ , Len thought sadly, but he couldn't say it. "I'll...tell you when we get home, okay? Call Gaila, and we'll go." He shut his eyes, determined to keep the tears in until then. He listened to Jim talk to Gaila, could hear her worried voice in the silent store. Jim hung up, then sat down again. Hikaru and Pavel ventured out not long after, and Len looked up at them.

"Thanks, you two. Sorry for scarin' ya. Um, I think it had to do with the call I got from my mother. I'll...tell you about it tomorrow, I promise."

"You need a few days off, Len?" Hikaru asked.

Len shook his head. "Should be on my feet tomorrow."

When Gaila arrived, she looked just as flustered as Jim had been. Carol was with her, looking between Jim and Len quietly. When Gaila's stream of questions didn't stop, she rested a hand on the redhead's shoulder and said they'd talk about it on the way.

Jim reached down to help Len up, but his hand was swatted away gently. "I can stand, dammit. Not an invalid."

The car ride ended up being silent. So was the elevator ride up, and the four of them were quiet as they walked into Len and Jim's apartment. Len eased back onto the couch, and Jim sat at his side. As he prepared to say the words, tears sprang to his eyes. The damn was broken, the emotions beginning to flood. "My Dad is dyin'."

~*~*~*~*~

Two hours later, it was just Jim and Len in the apartment. Wrapped in Jim's arms, Len had cried his heart out until the tears had run dry. He hadn't cried this hard in so long, it hurt. Every part of him ached, his face and throat felt swollen, his gut twisted into a knot. Now, as his outburst began to die down, he sniffled into a new kleenex.

"Goddammit, I hate this," he croaked. His voice was strained, almost a whisper.

"Len, I..." Jim tried. It was the first thing he'd said since Len had told them the news. He hadn't interrupted when Len had talked about his father, or what he was going to do about not having him. The love Len had for the man was beyond comprehension; Jim couldn't even imagine what this must be like. Gaila and Carol had been the ones to occasionally interject, but finally they'd decided to leave.

"We'll give you two some time alone, okay?" Gaila had said. "Len, if you need anything, don't hesitate."

"We'll be right here for whatever it is," Carol had agreed.

Jim tried again as Len sat up. "Len, what can I do?"

Len shook his head, rubbing at raw eyes. "I don't even know what I can do. Stay or go, surgery or no surgery, I'm fucked. I - "

Suddenly Len's phone was going off, buzzing on the coffee table. He scrambled for it, saw the ID, and hit answer. "H-Hello?...Dad," he choked. "Dad, oh my God..."

Jim began to leave, to give them time, but Len's hand shot out and grasped his wrist. Len shook his head hurriedly, tugging on him. Only when he mouthed 'stay, please' did Jim concede. He could hear a man's voice on the other end, and for the most part Len was quiet. Occasionally he'd mutter a 'yeah', or, 'I know'.

Finally Len had a chance to speak. "Do you really want me to do the surgery?"

_"I do, Len. If there's one thing I'll ask of you, it's to do this. Since the day I first held you, all I've ever wanted is your happiness, kid. You mean the world to me, and this will, too."_

Len felt his chest swell, a mixture of relief, oddly-timed happiness, and sadness. He was too exhausted to cry, but he just nodded and sniffled. "God. Okay, Dad. Just...if things get bad, let me know. Have Mom tell me, if you can't. I just...I need to be there if..." _When?_

_"...Okay, Len. Look, I'll let you go, you sound exhausted."_

Len gave a bitter laugh. "I am. Not as much as you, though, I'm sure. I love you, papa."

_"Love you, too."_

Len hung up after a delayed second. Then he sat back, and pushed out a heavy breath. He carded one hand through his hair, then looked at Jim. Jim, who'd literally been at his side for almost three hours, just because. "Thank you."

Jim just nodded. "Of course. Is there something you need?"

Len thought, then smiled tiredly. "Y'know, a bath would be great. Would you mind getting one ready?"

"Yeah, sure," Jim replied helpfully, and moved to stand. Len's hand stayed clasped in his, and he tugged one last time. Jim looked down at him. "Yeah?"

"C'mere," he pulled, and Jim leaned closer. Their lips brushed together, then sealed in a single kiss. "Love you, Jim," Len mumbled as they separated.

"Love you, too, babe." Jim straightened up, and headed down the hall. He slipped into the bathroom, shut the door, and leaned against it. He was drained and this wasn't even his trial. Running all the way from the school had tired him out, though. Plus wondering on the way if Len would have to go to the hospital, or already was there. Then watching him bear his soul, feeling helpless the entire time.

He moved to the bathtub and turned the faucets, then slumped down and rested his arm along the length of the tub. He lowered his head onto it, watching the water. He was still there when Len walked in, and sat down on the edge. "You look beat," the brunette commented.

Jim shrugged. "I'll be okay after some sleep."

"You should sleep, then," Len replied, his voice muffled as he pulled his shirt off.

"I'm not leaving you alone, pal," Jim smiled up at him. "Not after you passing out like that."

"Jim," was the exasperated reply, as more clothes were tugged away. "I'll be okay."

"...I want to stay with you."

Len looked down at him, then nodded. He quickly stepped into the hot water, let it blanket him, and shuffled closer to Jim. Their noses touched, then their foreheads. Len's fingers laced in with Jim's, and his eyes closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to publish these close together, because right after I posted yesterday's chapter, I just kept writing. I felt like it would be fair for the big reveal to follow-up quickly.
> 
> When I wrote about David being sick a while ago, I had thoughts about his canonical fate. In the series, he passes away at a much older age, so I felt it was cruel to take him away now. Thus the vacation chapters were born, and plans for school and surgery for the boys. Like the calm before the storm. Then I started thinking about it, and felt more like this was how the story should go at this point. 
> 
> This also comes from me realizing how many fics I've read where the writers follow canon and write about David passing away at some point. Ugh, this is heart-breaking. When I wrote the line, "Since the day I first held you," I started to bawl. The first scene of this story is David holding baby Len, and I just realized it had come full circle. 
> 
> Next up is the surgery. I know that some readers had reservations about this section. I will try to keep it as appropriately written as possible, but if you want to skip it, the beginning of the chapter AFTER is Len coming home to rest.


	15. A Changed Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len settles everything with his surgery, and goes in for it not long after. Jim, in the meantime, expresses his worries.

The next days were eventful. Len went into work and first explained what was happening at home. He was feeling more clear-headed now, but when Pavel surged forward and hugged him, and Hikaru placed a hand around his shoulder, he could admit to shedding more tears. He then talked about his plans with Doctor Scott, and said he would need some time off work within the month.

The next step was meeting with the surgeon. Doctor Chapel was sweet and charming, and Len felt completely at ease with her. They talked about finances, at which point Len got his parents on the phone for a conference call. It was comforting, hearing his father's voice, and was content to listen to him and the doctors talk about payment plans. Len was stubborn enough to include his contribution, no but's about it.

When he'd hung up the phone, he explained to Chapel and Scotty about his father's cancer. He wanted the surgery to be done as soon as possible, so he could spend the remaining time his father had with him. The two grew serious and listened carefully. Finally Chapel looked over her schedule on the computer, frowning thoughtfully. "Why don't we do it next Tuesday? You still have to do a physical and talk with me again, just to finalize everything for sure."

Len nodded understandingly. He knew this was a big deal for them, just as much as it was for him. "Okay."

"All right," she typed it in. Then she turned her full attention to him, and regarded him seriously. "You need to schedule time off, before and after. You'll come in at ten in the morning, the day of, and the process shouldn't take long. Someone will need to pick you up, and look after you while you recover."

Len smiled. "Already taken care of."

"Okay, then." The three of them stood, and Len shook hands with Chapel. He and Scotty walked out to the lobby, where Jim was waiting. The blonde gave them a smile and stood, but stayed where he was.

Scotty looked at Len, and patted his shoulder. "Lad. I can tell ya, I'm here for you if you need anything. If you start to have any anxieties about this, let me know. It's perfectly natural to have second thoughts, but I know that you want this. Just know that you have supporters rootin' for ya."

Len extended his hand, even though he wanted to hug the man. "Thanks, doc. You've helped me through a lot already."

Scotty took it, and gave him another pat on the shoulder. He let Len go, and headed back to get to work. Len walked over to Jim, sliding his hand into Jim's as they walked. Jim looked at him seriously, and Len smiled. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. Everything go okay, then?"

Len leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Yep. I go in one more time to get it all in writing, and then on Tuesday I go in. I'll be a changed man," he laughed. Jim laughed too, but it was a little quiet. Len slowed in his walk, frowning. "You okay, Jim? Somethin's wrong."

Jim shrugged. "No, it's nothing. I'm just...nervous, I guess," he rolled his eyes at himself. "The idea of surgery kind of freaks me out. Especially on someone I love."

They stepped through the front door of the clinic, and Len pulled Jim aside to hug him. "Hey. It's gonna be just fine, okay? I'm gonna go in, and come out, no problems."

Jim pulled away, concern on his face. "You're sure? I mean, I can't help but think of...surgery room horror stories."

"Those things sometimes happen, yeah, but, I'll be okay. I just know I will." He hugged Jim again, and didn't let go until he felt Jim was more at ease. They walked down to the main street, found a place for lunch, and sat down to eat. Jim was pretty much back to his old self once he'd had some food in him.

They returned home in the afternoon, and passed the time straightening up the house. It was nearly the weekend, and the both of them could just relax. Len decided as he washed dishes to make dinner, and after he was done looked through the cupboards. "Hey, Jim?"

"Yeah?" Jim called from his room.

"What do you want for dinner?"

Jim came out into the kitchen, having not heard. "What?"

"What do you want for dinner? We have pasta, there's meat left..." Len turned to the fridge to look at other options, and felt Jim's hands slowly wrap around him. He smiled and looked over his shoulder as Jim moved in close.

"You look pretty good." Jim pressed a kiss into his neck.

"Hmm, maybe after dinner, 'kay?" He suggested.

Jim kissed him again, then nodded patiently. "Okay."

The two of them worked on dinner together, and sat down on the couch to watch a movie while they ate. When they were finished, Jim took Len's plate and offered to wash dishes. Len smiled and thanked him, and continued to watch the film. He heard the water running for a couple of minutes, and then it stopped. When Jim didn't return after a minute, Len frowned. "Jim?"

"...Yeah?"

"You okay in there?" He got up and wandered in, finding Jim leaning over the counter top and lost in thought. Len walked over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder. "You still nervous?"

Jim straightened up. As tempted as he was to lie, to brush it off, he just nodded. "Yeah," he whispered. He let Len hug him, and buried his face into Len's shoulder. His heart pounded unevenly at the thought of Len going in. Being sedated for even just a while, it scared Jim. He knew he needed to be there, and would be, but he wasn't sure how well he would handle himself. Gaila would be there, too, maybe Carol.

"Hey," Len hushed. Jim sniffled against the fabric of his shirt. "Jim, darlin', I'm right here."

"I know," Jim mumbled. He felt a lump in his throat he hadn't realized had formed. "I know you are." He gave a weak laugh, and pulled away after a second. "It's not even my surgery and I'm the one freaking out."

Len cupped Jim's face. "No, it's okay. I'm...just as nervous as you are, to be honest. With all that's happened, though, I'm just trying to focus on the important things. We don't have to stress about this. Now," he took a breath, taking Jim's hands. "I know we said we wouldn't use it to just relieve stress, but..."

Jim looked at him, recognizing the look in his eyes.

"If you want," Len smiled, "we can stop the movie, and spend the rest of the night in bed. We don't have to do anything, if you don't want."

Jim snorted, and then took the lead. "Yeah right. We go to bed, you're all mine, pal."

Len laughed, hoping that would be the answer.

~*~*~*~*~

Tuesday morning, Len received some unexpected, but welcome support. Spock and Nyota arrived, and took a seat next to him, Jim and Gaila in the waiting room. With work and Spock teaching extra classes, the couple hadn't had much time to really spend with their group of friends. Nyota laced her hand in with Len's and gave a nervous smile as they talked.

Finally she looked at Spock, who, as always, remained impassive. "So, we know this is Len's day. We have some good news, if you'd all like to hear it."

Gaila gasped, and shared a knowing look with Carol. Jim had a feeling he might know, from the couple's behavior. He felt Len pat his back as all eyes turned to Nyota. After a deep breath, she simply stated, "I'm pregnant."

The four of them tried to keep quiet as they could in a waiting room. Congratulations were given, and the slight tension in the air was lifted. The focus was shifted into the conversation about the baby, which would be born just after the new year. The two had plans to marry, as well, but that wasn't set in stone. Nor did they want to worry about the engagement until after the birth. Len's brows raised when he realized it was already almost the end of the year again. "Jesus, I can't believe it. You two must be pretty excited then."

Nyota grinned, and even Spock gave a slight smile. "Nyota has enough excitement to give for the both of us."

Gaila was happy to lead the conversation after that. Her love for weddings was unmatched, and she offered every suggestion under the sun. They were right in the middle of debating on what colors really matched or looked good at a wedding, when the door opened. A nurse walked out and called Len's name, and the attention turned to him.

Len stood and nodded, then asked, "Could I get just one second?" The nurse nodded, so Len looked at his friends gratefully. "Okay, no making this a big deal, just...thanks for showin' up. I'll probably be pretty out of it when I wake up, so no filmin' embarrassin' stuff. I mean it, Gaila," he winked.

"Whatever, Carol will be in charge of that." Gaila smiled, and Carol grinned deviously.

Jim shot up suddenly, and embraced Len a final time. "Not making it a big deal," he murmured. "I love you."

"Love you, too, Jim." Len finally was let go, then he followed the nurse back in to get changed. All he needed to wear were a pair of shorts, and his shirt and pants were placed into a hospital bag. He'd already had Chapel look over his chest, and explained to him what they would be doing. He was then brought into the surgery room, where he was placed under anesthesia. He was told to mentally count down, and barely got to seven before he was out.

In the waiting room, Jim was quiet. He sometimes sat still, or tapped his foot, or paced around. No one asked him to sit down, they just let him get his nerves out. The girls had continued talk about their previous conversation, leaving Spock to listen and keep one eye on his friend. Finally he stood, and walked over to Jim.

"Would you come with me for a walk?" He asked quietly. "We won't be gone long," he added, at Jim's nervous glance towards the back room. Jim finally nodded, and the two excused themselves. They went to the cafeteria, where Jim poured himself some coffee. His hand shook as he tipped the cup against his lips.

"Fuck, I hate this."

"Jim, I know this is, perhaps, what you do not wish to hear," Spock began, "but there is nothing to worry over."

Jim sighed, then looked helplessly at his friend. "I'm scared, Spock. Really, really scared. I've been dying inside all week."

Spock nodded, sensing that. "Len would not want you to worry."

"I know."

"If Len is the most important to you, and he does not worry, should you not follow him?"

Jim looked over in interest, a smile forming on his lips. Len was the most important to him, and he'd kept his head on right all week. "You've always been pretty cool, Spock. Collected, I mean. What gives?"

Spock shook his head. "I do not generally worry. What happens, happens, and there is always something better to focus on."

"...How'd you feel when you found out, about the baby?" Jim didn't know why he was asking, but the words tumbled out. Nerves, he supposed.

Spock folded his arms and thought. Then a near-smile crossed his lips, and he replied, "Nervous, initially."

Jim laughed, and it was like a weight off his chest. "Looks like you got a handle on it, though, that's cool. You're right, I shouldn't stress so much. They said the surgery wouldn't take long, I just need to calm down."

The two walked back in after a while, and Jim was able to wait a little more patiently. Finally, when almost an hour had passed, Doctor Scott walked out. He smiled brightly and looked at all of them. "Well, he's asleep, but he's doing just fine! It went without a hitch."

"Could we, uh," Gaila began, but she looked at Jim. "Could he go in and sit with him? Jim deserves to be the first person Len sees when he's up."

Scotty grinned and nodded in agreement. He took Jim back to Len's room, where Len was laying comfortably back on his bed. He was hooked up to the monitor, his heart beat steady. The blanket was high over his chest, where they'd operated. Jim quietly pulled up a chair, and took Len's right hand. He whispered a thank you to Scotty, and after the doctor left, he looked at Len.

It really had been okay. Len was sound asleep, and would be awake soon. Jim rested his head on the side bar, and didn't let go of Len's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked this chapter, and I hope parts of it aren't random. I have some personal things on my mind, a little grey cloud over my head. It's distracting. -_-


	16. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len wakes up, and heads home to recover from surgery.

Waking up was a little strange. Len hadn't realized he'd been out, but when he opened his eyes he found himself in a new room and bed. Nurses and Doctor Chapel hovered over him; she smiled and patted his hand.

"There you are. You doing all right?"

"Yeah," he tried to say, but it came out a pained whisper. He winced and rested a hand over his throat. "Ugh, my voice. What the hell..."

"We had a tube down your throat, do you remember?"

He didn't quite, but it made sense. "Oh."

Chapel smiled again and looked over the chart in her hand. "Don't strain yourself. Are you in any major pain?" She wrote down 'no' when Len shook his head. "We'll get you some water when we move you into your private room."

"Do I have to stay the night?" Len managed to rasp. He was relieved when Chapel shook her head.

"Nope. We can send you on your way this evening. Might be late, but you'll be able to sleep in your own bed. Do you want to still sleep now?"

Len nodded tiredly, his eyes already drooping. He didn't know for how long he was out, but the next thing he saw was Jim, smiling down at him. He waved silently, feeling groggy.

Jim grinned and took his hand, kissing his knuckles. "Hey, you. You feeling okay?"

Len cleared his throat. "Yeah, m'all right. How long did it take?"

"About an hour," Jim replied softly. "The others are dying to come in and see you."

Len frowned and shifted, trying to wake up more. "Well, go get 'em. No sense in makin' them wait when I'm awake." He stopped when he felt a slight tug in his chest, and looked down. He was bandaged and wrapped up all across, and he wondered what it looked like underneath.

"I should get a nurse first," Jim said as he stood. I'll be right back, okay?"

Len nodded and settled back, watching Jim leave. It wasn't long before Chapel returned, a bright smile on her face. "Afternoon, young man. Looks like you're a little more coherent. Want me to sit you up?"

"That'd be great, doc." His eyes followed her to the side of his bed, and suddenly he was slowly being straightened up. It felt better on his chest, and he didn't have to strain his neck. "Tons better."

"Did you want some water now?"

"Oh, yes, please, I'm parched," Len chuckled weakly. Chapel nodded and stepped into the hall, and returned with a small paper cup. Len took it gratefully and took slow sips. It wasn't much, but enough to ease the scratchiness.

"Okay, I told that handsome young man he could bring in the rest of the gang, but I want to explain some things first," Chapel sat down, her expression all business. "You have two drains, one on each side of your chest," she pointed, then had Len hold them up. Both were a tube extending from under the bandages, to a bulb filled with liquid. They were a red color inside. "It'll look like that the first day. You'll need to change it every six hours, and be very thorough about it."

She was in the middle of showing him how he would remove it, when there was a knock on the door. At her prompt, Jim walked in with Gaila, Spock, and Nyota. Chapel finished her explanation of the drains, and added that Len would need sponge baths for the next week. "When you come in, we'll remove the drains and put fresh wrapping, so that we can show you the result."

Len's eyes widened in anticipation. He smiled up at his friends, and they smiled back. "You excited?" Gaila asked.

"A little nervous, actually. Soon I won't have to wear my binder anymore, it's..." He shook his head. "It's weird."

Chapel stood and excused herself, and said she'd be by later. Jim took her place and reached for Len's hand. "Do you hurt at all?"

"Oh, Jim," Gaila sighed. "He's fine! You think they wouldn't drug him up post-op?"

Jim looked back at Len, unconvinced. Len just smiled and squeezed Jim's hand. "She's right. Whatever they have me on, it's great. They'll send me home with some drugs later on today."

"Okay, good," Jim breathed in relief. Behind him, everyone shared amused looks with each other.

Nyota and Spock were the first to leave, then Carol. Gaila stayed a bit longer, then she had to head off to work. That left Jim and Len alone again, and the two were quiet for a few moments.

"Jim, these next months..." He began. "They're not gonna be easy."

"...I know."

"Firstly, I want to warn you in advance that the next weeks will be no exception. I'm gonna be in pain, and a complete grouch."

That just made Jim smile. "Okay. I still love you anyways."

"I know you do, just...givin' you a heads up. I'm still stressed about my Dad, and I need to plan when I'm gonna go home." He let the words sink in, watching Jim's expression carefully.

Finally, Jim nodded. He carded a hand through Len's hair, his expression soft. "Okay. Just take it easy until then. We'll figure everything out when we get to that point, okay?"

"Okay, Jim."

~*~*~*~*~

Len had not been kidding. Jim walked back into the kitchen, his help having been grumpily rejected again. Len either wasn't hungry or starving at strange times of the day. He kept trying to clean up his little camping area on the couch, where he'd been since he got home. Yet he was in pain and constantly scowling, even more so when Jim would order him back to sit down.

Jim was patient with him. Well, mostly. They'd managed to only get into one teeny, minor disagreement about the temperature of the room. He worked on a few dishes, then after a couple minutes walked back in. Len's eyes trailed up to meet his, and he puffed out a resigned sigh. "Sorry, Jim. I really am sorry. Pain is not my game."

Jim walked over, and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "I know, and it's okay. You gave me a warning, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Len smiled guiltily. "Hey. Could you...bring me another blanket?"

Jim just chuckled and obliged, and got one from his room. He draped it over the one already over Len, and tucked him into it. "You know, you should try sleeping in bed tonight."

"My chest hurts when I lay down," Len pouted. "Feel like I'm gonna rip my stitches."

"Even on your side?"

"Always end up on my back, Jim."

"Oh, okay. Well, I was thinking of ordering in, since I'm not that great of a cook. What do you want?"

Len shrugged indifferently. "Whatever you want, darlin'. I'm not hungry right now."

"Okaaay," Jim said in a sing-song voice, "but you should get something anyway and save it for later. Midnight snacking is bad for you," he teased. Len had told him this a number of times.

"Okay, doc," Len rolled his eyes. "If you're in the mood for Chinese, I certainly am."

Jim gave a fist pump into the air; Chinese was also their go-to when Len didn't want to cook. He called in, and when the food arrived paid for it, and sat it down on the coffee table. He tentatively handed Len's food towards him, but the brunette shook his head. "Not hungry?"

"Nah." Len snuggled against him. "Just tired. Gonna nap for a bit."

Jim slung one arm around him, and managed to balance his carton in his lap as he ate. When he was finished, Len was fast asleep, and Jim didn't dare to move.

~*~*~*~*~

"Jim," Len gasped. "M' losin' my mind..."

Jim stopped his gentle sucking, looking up at his completely flushed boyfriend. It had been three days since coming home, and neither of them had really been in the mood. Between the grumpy sponge baths and grumpy lack of appetite, Jim was starting to get grumpy, too. "Do you wanna have sex?" He'd suggested casually.

"Jim, not yet. Chest is still sore as hell..."

Jim shook his head. "No, I'll do all the work. Trust me," he'd winked. Jim had plunked down between Len's knees, and after some hesitance, had peeled away Len's sweatpants. Then his boxers, and he only waited until Len gave a shy nod before licking circles around his length. It was different than the blow jobs he'd given before, but the effect was definitely the same. "You okay?"

Len huffed impatiently. "Don't stop, dammit!"

Jim could see that his eyes were nearly all-black. He grinned and went down again, trying a more forward technique. His lips clamped over Len's length, but he managed to slip his tongue up against his entrance. Len tensed and his back arched, and his legs widened. Jim reached around and pulled him closer, digging his fingertips firmly against Len's cheeks. He could feel Len clenching now, he had to be close. His thighs shook, so Jim rested them over his shoulders to take the strain off them.

Len bucked forward, and his pitched breath went up a few notches before finally he gave that release-driven cry. "JIM!"

Jim surged forward to suck him off, tasting the warm release coating Len's entrance. He could feel the walls pulse lightly, even more so from his twitching length. Jim finally pulled his eyes upward to watch Len in the afterglow. His head was reclined against the back of the couch, his adam's apple bobbing madly. Jim got up and hovered over him, a grin on his face. "Feel better?"

"H-Holy shit...so that's what that's like. Is it the same for you?" He panted, and managed to pull Jim in long enough for a kiss. He knew Jim didn't want to hurt him, but all he wanted was to feel Jim close against him.

"It's...wait, are you offering?" He laughed. He faltered when Len looked at him seriously. "You are. Not yet, though! Wait a few days, huh?"

Len made a sound that was a mixture of a sigh and a whine. "Yeah, you're right."

Jim kissed his forehead, then made him decent again. He went into the kitchen and got some water for the both of them, then handed a cup to Len as he sat down. Len drank it all quickly, then flopped down into Jim's lap. "Love you, Jim."

Jim trailed a hand through his hair. "Love you, too."

After a week, the drains came out. This meant the reveal would be done, and as he sat in the examination chair, his heart threatened to burst from his chest. Jim stood out of Doctor Chapel's way as she unraveled the wrap around Len's torso. "Don't be nervous," she said quietly, noting his pursed lips.

"Oh, I'm just...excited, is all." He smiled up at Jim, who returned it.

Finally the end of the bandage fell away, and Chapel straightened. "Ta-Daaa!"

Len held his breath as he looked down. Then his chest - his flat chest - rose and fell in uneven patterns. He looked up at the two people who'd been vital in getting him here, and felt tears in his eyes. Chapel smiled and motioned to the full mirror in the room. "Check yourself out. You look great, Len."

Len got to his feet, and inched his way over. It was just his reflection, but to him, he was like a new person. He had pecs, for God's sake! They were soft, but Len knew that if he started working them out they'd look pretty good. "God. I'm...I did it. You did it, really," he turned to Chapel.

"Oh, I just helped. You made the decision to get it done."

He could have hugged her, but he would admit to feeling self conscious. "Do I need the wrap anymore?"

"A few more days, sorry. We'll take the stitches out your next visit, and then you're free. Still take it easy after that."

Len nodded, and his eyes went back to looking at himself. He laughed at a sudden thought and vocalized it. "Is it vain I'm just staring at myself?"

Chapel laughed. "Take all the time you need. I'll be right back, okay?" She opened the door, and stepped out.

Jim was leaning against the wall, eyeing Len appreciatively. "You really do look great. Do you feel great?"

"I feel like...." He trailed off, his voice catching. Finally his emotion bubbled to the surface and he sniffled. "Do you...?"

"What?" Jim prompted.

"Do you like my body? Will it be different now?"

Jim silently stepped to his side, looking at both of them in the mirror. Then he turned and kissed Len's cheek. "I love your body, and I love you. I'm really proud of you."

Len gave an emotional smile. "Hey, you helped me a lot. Seriously, Jim, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you."

"I just helped. Like the doc said, it's all you."

Chapel returned a few minutes later. She redid Len's wrapping, and he pulled his shirt over it. He thanked her again, and headed out with Jim to the car. Once they were buckled in, Jim turned to him. "Well, neither of us work today. Want to go out, see a movie or something?"

Len looked at him, then grinned mischievously. "I think we should go home and get comfortable. I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm not all drugged up."

Jim blinked, then laughed in anticipation as he started the car.


	17. The Hardest Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Len have an argument over travel plans back to Georgia.

_"Hey, Mama. I'm on my feet again and gonna head home soon."_

Eleanora nearly broke down hearing her son on the other end. She'd been more an emotional wreck than ever, and knowing Len was on his way was a comfort. "Honey, I'm so happy. I can't even wait to see ya, darlin'. When can I expect you?"

_"Three days. I need to buy my ticket, still, get packed."_

"Will Jim be coming, too? I'd sure love to meet him and I know your papa would."

There was silence on the other end for a while. _"I dunno. He needs to focus on school, and..."_

"Oh, I understand that," Eleanora replied. She didn't want to make Len think he was wrong for not bringing his boyfriend home. However, she secretly wished he would, just for his father's sake.

_"W-Well, he might try to. I'm tryin' to convince him otherwise. This trip isn't gonna be all sunshine, and that's what Jim is. I don't want to diminish that."_

Eleanora smiled. "Listen to you, you sound like you're reciting a poem." From what she'd heard, Jim was a bright ball of happiness. "I'll have your father call later, he's taking a nap right now."

_"Is he okay?"_

"He's...he's tired. Coughs a lot, and sometimes there's blood. I'm only telling you because he won't. We both need to brace ourselves, honey."

She heard Len take a deep breath. _"Yeah, I know. Just keep him alive 'till I get there. I'll be home soon."_

~*~*~*~*~

"Jim, I wish you'd change your mind," Len called across the hall. He knew this was going to happen.

Jim popped his head in, still folding a shirt. Well, more like balling it up into a manageable lump. "Len, we talked about this."

Len raised a brow, and walked over to his boyfriend. He gently pried the shirt from Jim's hand, and unfolded it. "I know. I just think it's...unwise to risk half a semester for this, Jim."

Jim took the shirt back stubbornly, and balled it up again. "I want to go." He promptly turned away, but not before Len couldn't catch his expression. His boyfriend was set on this, and didn't want to talk about it.

Len bit his lip, unsure of how to approach this. He ended up back in his room, and packed a few more things. He needed to go out and buy his ticket tomorrow. Get the rent sent down, work the few days he had left before he headed to the airport...somehow stop Jim from following him. This wasn't his cross to bear, and Len was determined to help Jim see that.

He turned and walked to Jim's door, and knocked even though it was open. Jim was trying to stuff things into his suitcase, and Len's heart broke. "Jim. Let's talk."

"Len," Jim briefly glanced at him, "help me with this?"

Len walked over carefully. Instead of helping push the clothes down, he took Jim's hands. "Please. I need you to hear me out."

Jim's mouth drew into a tight line, and he tried to pull away. "No. I know what you're going to say. I care more about you than I do school, Len."

"That's the problem, Jimmy. You can't waste all the opportunities you have just because of me. I can't be the reason you're putting off school."

"Len - "

"You almost missed the deadline because we were fooling around all summer."

Jim's expression looked pained, even as it hardened. "So, it was a waste?"

"No!" Len moaned. "Please, I don't wanna fight, I just want you to understand. I need..." He struggled for the right words.

"What do you need?" Jim asked. "If it's me not going with, that's not fair. I don't know how long you're going to be gone, and I have to just stay here? Wait for you? Let you deal with this all alone?" Jim's voice began to raise, his frustration matching it. "I don't want to have to miss you, Len. I had to deal with that last year, and it sucked! The Holidays were miserable without you!" He finally took a breath.

"Jim..." Len's voice broke. Ever since the call with his mother, his emotions had been poorly capped. He shook his head, turned around, and hurried back into his room. He shut the door, then sat down his bed and started to cry. Hot tears cascaded down his cheeks, the pain in his heart too much. He didn't want to go, leave Jim for who knew how long. He didn't want his Dad to be gone, either, but that wasn't going to happen. When there was a knock at his door, he groaned quietly. "Go away, Jim..."

The door opened anyway. Jim looked guilt-stricken, and immediately walked over. He crouched down next to Len and cupped his face. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, I'm a complete dick."

Len shook his head. He was torn between shoving Jim away for the first time ever, and falling into his arms. He knew that no matter how mad he got at Jim, he couldn't push him away. So he chose the latter and melted against Jim's hesitant embrace. "Y'know what I need, Jim?" He mumbled.

"What? Anything," Jim whispered thickly.

"I need my Dad to not be dyin'. I need him to be healthy, so we don't have to go through this, but that's not how it is. He _is_ dying, and this is my last chance to see him. I don't want you to see me go through that, Jim." He grasped the fabric of Jim's shirt.

"I...I don't want to see you go through that, either. But I want to be there for you when you do. It isn't good face this alone."

"I don't get it," Len muttered bitterly. "Forty six years of perfect health, then out of the blue, he's dying. If there is a God, why the hell does he get to take my Dad away?"

Jim was quiet for a minute. He wasn't any good at this pep talk stuff, not about something like this. Finally he cleared his throat, and just went with it. "Len, listen to me. I never knew my Dad. He got himself killed before I was born." Len looked up at him, tears falling down his cheeks. Jim reached out and swiped them away. "I won't ever understand what you're feeling, or going through. I do know that sometimes in my life, when I've really needed something to keep me going, I know my Dad is around. I'm sure as hell your Dad will do the same. He's not leaving you forever, Len."

That just made Len cry harder. He buried his face into Jim's shoulder and cried, silent and still trying to keep some control. He needed to save tears for when the time really came. After a few minutes, he straightened up, wiped at his eyes, and took a couple of breaths. "Goddamn. Okay, I'm okay."

"Hey," Jim said as Len stood. "Wait. Look, I won't go if you don't want me to. I'll stay here."

"Oh, Jim," Len murmured. "I do want you to go, but I need you to stay. I wish this wasn't so difficult."

Jim kissed his forehead, then rested his own against it. "Your needs are more important than mine right now. You call me any time you need it, doesn't matter what I'm doing."

Len nodded uncertainly. "I might want you to go, I don't know. I'll let you know soon. I just need to finish packing, and tomorrow I'm getting my ticket."

"Okay," Jim nodded, and stood. He looked down at Len's packed suitcase, and thought of his messy one. For now, he'd leave it as is.

~*~*~*~*~

In the end, both of them decided that Jim focusing on school was the better plan. Dealing with refunds and book returns, and frustrated office workers wasn't worth it. Neither of them liked it, and honestly, Jim didn't know how he was going to focus, but he had to try. Len needed time alone with his family right now.

Gaila and Carol went with them to the airport, where they were able to give Len more than a few hugs before he boarded. Jim spent the longest time in his arms, and as much as he tried not to cry, a few tears pooled in his eyes. "Dammit," he laughed. "Sorry."

Len shook his head, not doing much better. "It's okay. I'll miss you lots, too."

Jim's smile fell. He suddenly surged forward, capturing Len's lips in a kiss. Len's muffled protest was lost, but they could both hear Gaila and Carol's reaction.

"Ohhh, so romantic!"

"C'mon, let's give them time alone. We're going to the car now, Jim. Len, call us when you land."

Len's eyes opened and he briefly tried to wave, before Jim was pulling him back into another kiss. "Jim..."

"I'm not gonna...be able to do this for...a while," Jim whispered between each one.

"Okay, but people are starin'," Len giggled. It was a strange feeling, as he hadn't laughed in days. He let Jim kiss him one last time, then he slung his carry on over his shoulder. "I gotta go. I'll call when I land, I promise."

"You'll be okay on the flight?"

Len winced. "Not really. I'll make it, though, it's four hours. Love you, Jim."

"Love you." Jim watched after him until he'd disappeared, and watched the flight status screen until the flight to Atlanta said it had left. Finally he went back out to meet the girls at the car. He scooted into the back, and quietly buckled his seat belt.

Gaila waited until Carol had pulled out of the garage before saying anything. "You want anything, Jim? We're free tonight if you need us." She turned so she was facing Jim.

"Turn around," Carol chided softly.

"I'm okay, Gaila," Jim smiled hollowly. "I will be. Just not looking forward to going home to an empty apartment."

"We could stay, if you want..."

Jim thought about it. "Could I maybe stay at your place a couple nights?"

Gaila looked over at Carol for confirmation. "Course you can, sweetheart," Carol replied. Gaila tossed a smile towards Jim before looking forward again.

"Thanks, you two. Len said this next while was going to be hard, and...I think he was right."

"You'll get through all right. You've made it through everything else, Jim."

~*~*~*~*~

Len was eternally grateful to hit solid ground when he arrived. He'd arranged for his mother to pick him up, so long as there was a neighbor with David until they got home. When Len made it to baggage claim, he found her waiting for him, and rushed to hug her. As they collided, he didn't even care that his chest was still a little sore. The scars were still sensitive, but it was worth being in his mother's arms again. "Mom. God, I've missed you so much."

"Missed you, too, baby. Oh, look at you. Even more handsome than when I last saw ya," she laughed. "Your surgery went all right, then?"

Len smiled. "A weight has literally been lifted off my chest," he laughed, and she did, too.

They collected his things and wheeled them to the truck, where she handed him the key. "You remember how to handle her?"

"I can handle her just fine, thank you, ma'am," he took the keys from her, and started the engine. After fighting with the clutch a little, he was on the road and heading out of the city. Soon they met with dirt roads and country side, and Len took a breath of fresh air. He had the window rolled down, and the warm wind hit him. "It feel so much better out here. I've missed Georgia..."

"It's missed you, darlin'," Eleanora smiled. "So, Jim decided to go to school. That's good on him."

Len nodded, trying to ignore the pang of already missing Jim. "Yeah. Neither of us wanted it, but we knew it was the best thing to do. Jim's time is better well spent on what he wants to do."

"Well, that was selfless of both of you. Your father...he'll be proud of that."

Len looked at her briefly. "You sure he won't be sad I didn't bring Jim?"

She gave an honest shrug. "Maybe. I think he's just more upset his body decided to quit on him." She shook her head. "No sad stuff, though, ya hear? He wants you smiling when you hug him; that's what he told me."

Len wasn't sure he could do that, but he was willing to try, for his father's sake. They made light conversation on the way, and when Len pulled up to his old house, he breathed in relief. "There's no place like home," he sighed. He managed to get as far as pulling his suitcase from the back seat when the front door opened.

David, considerably thinner and leaning on a cane, stood on the porch. Len all but dropped his things and rushed up the porch steps, and into his father's arms. He could feel how frail David felt, and nearly lost his composure. When he pulled away, he forced a smile onto his lips. "Hey, Daddy. I'm home."

David just hugged him again. "Welcome home, boy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nooo, so sad!! I cried when I wrote the scene with Jim and Len fighting, I could just imagine it all play out. They're both trying to make it all work out for each other, for Len's family, and none of it works. It's difficult when we have to make hard decisions, because even though it's for the best, it's painful.


	18. Laughter Is Sometimes the Only Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len spends time getting adjusted at home, Jim works hard in school and his job through the Holidays. He starts to become restless when he receives a welcome visit.

Len wiped the sweat off his brow as he walked in through the front door. He was greeted with a glass of cold tea, and practically chugged it to quench his thirst.

His father, stationed as usual at the table, chuckled. "Oh, come on, you've been out there an hour. What the hell kinda job has put you this outta shape?"

"David!"

Len laughed. "No, he's right, Ma. I really am out of shape. I'll get back into it, Dad, don't worry."

Yesterday had been his day of rest. Caught up with his mother and father, and greeted a few neighbors he hadn't seen since last year. They were less unsettled this time at seeing him, since most hadn't known about his transition. This year was easier, but he wasn't here for them.

This morning he'd gotten up and promptly started on chores. Now he was feeling it as his entire body ached. He was used to carrying boxes around at work, but hauling lumber around and taking care of the animals was tiring. He knew that before his time was over here, he'd be in better shape than he had in a while.

"You look a little soft, too," David continued after a beat, despite his wife's look. "You eatin' all right?"

"Ehh, could be better. Damn, I really need to get back on track," he mumbled.

"Len, watch your mouth," Eleanora sighed in exasperation. "Or I might have a mind to send you back out before feedin' ya some proper food."

Len swooped down and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry, Mom. Won't happen again!"

She grinned up at him, before pulling out the pan of wheat biscuits from the oven. "Well, have a seat, I guess you're forgiven. I haven't made these in a while, so I hope they're all right..."

Len frowned even as he piled three onto his plate. He added eggs and four strips of bacon next to them, then took a seat. "You haven't made these in a while? I've never seen a day pass besides when I've been gone that I haven't seen these at the table."

His parents shared a look, then David set his paper aside. "Well, since my appetite isn't all that big anymore, your mama decided to be all...supportive and not make or eat things I can't eat."

Guiltily, Len looked down at his plate. His father's most favorite thing was his wife's cooking, and now...

"Oh, honey," Eleanora said hurriedly. She handed David a bowl of what looked like fruit-adorned yogurt, and his tea. She had the same items in front of her. "Don't you feel bad at all. I made it for you, and besides, you hate yogurt."

Len gave a hesitant laugh. "Yeah, I do." He looked at his food again, and after a second made himself bite into it. As always, it was the most perfect, delicious thing he'd ever eat. His mother's cooking had no equal. "Thank you, mama," he mumbled, ducking his head. He was glad to swallow his bite, because his sudden desire to cry went down with it. His mother reached out and patted his hand, and he gripped it.

He looked up at his father, who grunted contently. "I love you, too. If I hold your hand, though, it'll make it hard to eat that delicious breakfast."

The three of them laughed.

~*~*~*~*~

Jim shuffled out of his Algebra class, his brain feeling fried. He was taking one more class than he had last year, and even that extra hour was wiping him out.

It had been a month since Len had gone. They didn't talk every day, which always worried Jim. When they did talk, it was like everything was normal - besides the two-thousand mile and four-hour time difference. On the days Len didn't call, Jim couldn't bring himself to do the same. He always ended up thinking it was something serious, like Len's father's health taking that turn for the worse. So far, it had just been because Len was working hard on their property. David couldn't do the work he'd previously been able to, and Eleanora didn't have the time. She had started her own work in the city to keep up with medical bills and utilities.

Jim, meanwhile, was working extra hours to keep up on rent. Len had paid this month in advance, which was great, but Jim thought it best to save up for next month. He didn't go out much, saving his money for more important things. Instead of going home, he just went right to his custodial office and got to work. The building had hired two more workers, so Jim only had to deal with the left side of the campus, the main office, and two bathrooms.

By now, he was the guy the students all said hello to, and if someone didn't know Jim, they always had someone to fill them in. Jim was known for his bright smiles and cheerful nature, and everyone loved him. They knew him, and that meant they also knew when he was down.

Right now, he was definitely down.

As he stepped into the main office, headphones in to distract him, he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was one of the office ladies, looking up at him in concern. "You all right?"

"Oh, fine, thank you," he smiled. Even he could tell it was hollow. "Just...missing someone."

She clicked her tongue in sympathy. "Aw. Your sweetheart?"

Jim chuckled as he unwrapped a plastic trash bag. "How could you tell?"

"Oh, I just can. Been in your shoes once, all that. Hang in there, you'll both be all right."

The words were a comfort to Jim, and he was able to lighten up a little as he worked. He returned home around eight in the evening, and walked into the quiet apartment. The silence settled over him, and he let out a resigned sigh. He rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a soda, then his half-eaten sandwich from this morning. It was from Len's cafe, where he'd been every day since Len had gone.

Jim knew he was being over dramatic. It wasn't like they were broken up, or like Len wasn't ever coming back...he hoped. Jim flopped onto the couch and munched through a couple bites, before setting the food on the coffee table. He pulled out his cellphone, finding no missed calls, no texts. Another Leonard-less day. He was scrolling through names, needing human contact, when someone called in. It was his mother, so he answered it without hesitation. "Mom, hey."

_"Hey, kiddo. Hadn't heard from you in a while, wondering if you were still alive."_

"Yeah, still here. "Just...Len is still back home, and..."

 _"Oh, Jim,"_ she sighed. _"I'm sorry. I...want to say I know how you feel, but that's a low kick."_

"You miss Dad, don't you?"

_"Yeah, but it's different. George isn't coming back, he's...at peace, in a better place, whatever. You're worried about Len, and neither of you is in a good place. The anxiety is probably killing you."_

"No kidding," Jim huffed.

_"...You want to talk about it?"_

Jim stiffened, and pursed his lips. He loved his Mom, but he couldn't burden her with that. "Nah. I'll survive. Enough about me, how are you doing?"

Winona hesitated, probably tempted to push the issue. She didn't, though, as she said, _"That's also why I called, to tell you good news. I'm not with Frank anymore."_

Jim sat back, relief hitting him like a high wave. "Shit. That is great news. What happened?"

_"Pretty simple, just left him. Packed my things, filed divorce, and I was out."_

"Where are you now? You're staying with someone, aren't you?"

There was a smile in her voice when she replied. _"Yep. Chris Pike? I figured you'd approve."_

Jim blinked. "Uh, yeah, actually. Wow, Mom, that's great!" He laughed. If there was one person he'd ever wanted his Mom to be with, it was that man. "Are you dating, then? When can I expect the invitation?"

_"Ha-ha, funny man. We're dating, but taking it all slow. Hell knows I get into these relationships way too fast, and none of them have ended well. I don't want to screw this up."_

"I don't think you have any worries, Mom," Jim laughed again. It was nice to be laughing.

~*~*~*~*~

Two months.

It was almost Thanksgiving break, and Jim's restlessness was worse than ever. Len hadn't contacted him in three days. Jim finally broke, and dialed him around ten in the morning. It rang for a few extra rings, then Len answered.

 _"H'llo..."_ Len's sleepy voice sounded.

"Ohh, shit. You were sleeping, sorry - "

 _"Hey, darlin',"_ Len replied, a strain in his voice from stretching. _"No worries. Had to be up in about ten, anyway. How are ya?"_

"Good," Jim bit his lip. "Um, so, I was wondering something."

_"Go ahead."_

"Well, it's almost fall break. I was thinking I might fly down and see you." He waited for Len's answer tensely, having already imagined it out in his head.

_"Jim, I dunno."_

Yep. That was the one he'd expected. "Do you...not want to see me?"

_"No, no, Jim, not that. We're planning the funeral today."_

Jim's stomach dropped, and his heart shot into his throat. "Is your Dad...?"

 _"Still here. A few days ago he had to go to the hospital, and the doc gave him until the end of the week."_ Len cleared his throat roughly. _"So, we need to get everything organized. I wouldn't have time to pick you up from the airport, darlin'."_

Jim didn't want to argue, but he had to fight the temptation to give other options. He could take a cab from the airport, he could walk, for God's sake. As long as he was there, it didn't matter. He could feel it, though, that Len really didn't want him to be there. "I understand. You don't want to miss any chance to be with him."

_"Yeah, my Mom, too. She's been quiet since we got home, and doesn't...let us in. She's shrugging everything off."_

Jim had his backpack on his shoulder. He was three feet from the door, from heading out and pretending it was another regular day. Today, though, he just couldn't. "Talk to me, babe. What can I do for you?"

Len sighed, long and pained. _"Oh, Jim. I wish you were here. I'm not asking you, I just...I wish I could make myself do it."_

 _Please, Len. Ask me. Ask me and I'll do it. I'll drop everything for you_. Jim swallowed as he tried to figure out what to say. "Don't force yourself, okay? I will do whatever you need me to, and it'll be okay. I love you, Len."

When Len started to cry on the phone, Jim abandoned his plans for the day. He set his bag on the counter, sat at the dining table, and listened to him. Len started talking about his Dad, and Jim just paid attention. They were all happy memories, but soured at the thought that there wouldn't be more. Len talked for a solid hour and a half, but finally had to stop himself. _"I can hear Mom and Dad startin' to stir, I should get to work. Thanks for listening, Jim. God, I dunno where that came from."_

"Don't apologize, Len. You have nothing to be sorry about, I'm here for you."

 _"I know,"_ Len breathed deeply. _"Okay. I gotta go now, but I'll call you later...or in a couple days."_

"Whenever," Jim insisted. "You just call me when you need me."

Jim let Len hang up, and sat there for a long time. He finally rested his face into his hands, feeling the weight return on his shoulders. If there was ever a time Jim Kirk felt more useless, he couldn't think of one. He wasn't sure how long he was sitting there before someone buzzed the apartment. Jim hauled himself to his feet and pressed the button. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Eric," the landlord replied cheerfully. "I have someone here named Chris Pike. Sound familiar?"

Jim's breath caught. "O-Oh. Yeah, he's my old high school teacher! He's here?"

"Yep! Should I send him on up?"

"I'll come down, hold on." Jim hung up, then rushed out the door and locked it. He punched in the elevator, and waited impatiently for it to arrive. The ride down, only three floors, seemed agonizingly slow. When the doors opened, he caught the sight of Chris and ran over. His excitement got the better of him as he brought the man into a hug. "You're here!"

Chris laughed, patting his back. "I am. You look like hell, son," he whispered the last part, but it was fond.

Jim pulled away after a delayed second. "When did you get in? You take a cab?" He noticed that the man didn't have anything with him.

Chris chuckled. "I got here about an hour ago, and yes, a cab. You wanna catch some lunch?"

Jim realized he hadn't eaten at all today. Or much yesterday. "I'm starved, yeah." As they walked back out, Jim looked over his shoulder and waved to Eric. "Thanks, man, for letting him in!" Eric smiled and waved back.

It was starting to get cold again, so as they walked Jim shivered against the chill. He noticed that Chris at least had a sweatshirt on, and smiled. "Well, at least one of us came prepared."

"Let's find somewhere we can sit down and eat. Anywhere in particular?"

Jim knew just the place. He led Chris right to Len's work place, and stepped into the warm cafe. Pavel was manning the front and waved to him. Jim walked up to him and ordered his usual. "And whatever he'd like," he motioned to Chris."

Pavel glanced at Chris briefly. "Friend, Jim?"

Chris extended his hand politely. "Christopher Pike. I taught this genius English for three years in a row."

Pavel brightened at the news. "Oh, so zis is where you got your desire to teach English?"

Jim chuckled modestly and nodded. "Yep. I look up to him a lot."

They got their drinks and food, and Jim sat down at his usual spot. "So, what brings you here?"

Chris took a sip of his drink, then looked directly at Jim. He knew that look, the one which told him Pike needed answers. "Jim, your Mom told me you've been having a rough time. She didn't tell me the details, but from what I understand, it sounds pretty serious."

Jim hesitated. "I...didn't give her many details. I'm fine now," he lied.

Chris knew, and raised his brow. "I didn't fly over two-thousand miles for you to tell me you're fine, son. I can see that you're not; I've known you for five years."

Jim sighed, and looked down at his food. Suddenly he wasn't so hungry. "Yeah. You got me, I'm not okay. I'm stressed outta my mind, and worried sick."

Chris reached out, and gripped Jim's arm. "Talk to me. I checked into a hotel, so I can stay as long as you need me to. Let me help."

"...Okay," Jim murmured. If he didn't tell someone, he knew he'd go crazy. What better person to tell than the only man he'd ever considered a father?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate that our boys are still separated. However, I love thinking that Pike is the type to literally hop a bus or plane to wherever Jim is, just to check on him. To hug him and tell him it'll be okay. Jim is the type to fight until he gives out, and his friends and family know it doesn't have to be that way.


	19. The Last Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Pike talk things over, and afterwards, Jim receives an unwelcome visitor this time.

They waited until they returned back to Jim's apartment. Jim knew he would cry, he'd been on the edge since he'd hugged Chris. And he was right; by the time he was finished bearing his soul, he was in tears.

"I don't get it. I've been away from home almost two years," he sniffled. "I miss it, but not like this. I've never missed someone so badly in my life."

Chris looked at him with a soft smile. "Because you love him."

"...Of course I love him. I've been in love with him for a long time."

Chris shook his head. "No. I've seen you in love before. Flirting with the other students, nabbing dates left and right. This is different - you've given your heart to him. There's no one more important than him."

Jim blinked, his lashes splashing against a few tears. Len was the most important to him, he'd just never thought about it exactly like that. "How do you know?"

"Well, one, I can see it, plain as day," Chris smiled. "Also, I've been through the same thing. Your mother means the world to me. I'd do anything for her in a heartbeat."

Jim looked away, slouching miserably. "Then it _is_ different. I couldn't make myself do anything for him - I'm not there for him in his most critical time."

"He doesn't want you there?"

Jim shook his head. "Not that. He does, we just..."

"Then go. You've never believed in no-win scenarios, Jim, I've seen it. What's stopping you?"

"I don't want to be an unpleasant surprise. If he doesn't want me there, I can't be there."

"Did he at any point tell you that?" Chris asked skeptically. From what he knew of this kid, Len sounded like a kind-hearted soul. "Would ever say that to hurt you?"

Jim looked over at him, and knew he was right. "No. What am I supposed to do? Just show up at his doorstep? His Dad could go at any day now."

Chris shrugged. "Then there's no time to lose. He needs you, Jim, it's just too painful for him to ask that of you. He can face it alone, but without your support it'll be that much more difficult to recover."

Jim fell silent, thinking on that. In just the time they'd been together, they'd already been through a lot. Jim had been there for him every step, so perhaps he felt this last thing was asking too much. That didn't mean he didn't want to ask; Len sometimes struggled with asking for help. Because of that, Jim had his answer. He looked at Chris, smiling gratefully. "What the hell would I do without you?"

Chris threw him a look of amusement. "I think you've handled your problems pretty well, Kirk. You just need a reminding push in the right direction sometimes." He nudged him gently to emphasize his point, and that got a laugh out of Jim. "There. It's gonna be okay, son."

Jim smiled, but the tears threatened again. If there was ever a person who loved him like a father, it was Chris Pike.

The two of them sat and talked about lighter things after that. Chris was ready for break to start, as were all his students. Since Winona had moved in, he'd have someone to keep him company during the Holidays. Jim didn't have to worry about his Mom with this guy. Winona to him, was who Len was to Jim; the most important.

In the late afternoon, Chris had to head back to his hotel. He stood and stretched, and Jim followed suit. "You could stay here, if you needed. I mean, I don't know when you have to get back."

Chris hesitated. "As long as you need me, I'm here. I won't leave until you're back on your feet."

"No, I don't..." Jim looked down. "I mean, I can't be the reason you're missing classes." He paused, and realized something. Len had said the exact same thing, and Jim had been stubborn about it. Chris was true to his word. Jim laughed and shrugged. "Hell. If you want to stay a couple days, I could use the company. I think I'm going to try and fly out to Georgia as soon as possible."

"Are you going to tell Len?"

Jim opened the door to the hall, and nodded. "I think I will, yeah. I just need to work up the courage to - " As Jim turned, he stopped dead. Chris ran right into him, but he kept firm footing and his eyes set on the man outside Gaila and Carol's door. "...Gary?"

"Jim," Gary breathed in mild confusion. He pointed to the door, which Jim hoped to God wouldn't open. He hoped the girls were out, so they didn't get involved in this. "You're not living here?"

"No, I'm not," Jim responded tightly. He felt Chris's hand on his shoulder, and then the man moved forward.

"Is there a problem here, Jim?" Chris asked, his eyes also on Gary. He didn't like the feeling he got from this guy at all. The way he looked at Jim, and he smelled like he'd had a few.

Jim reached down for Chris's arm, tugging him towards the elevator. "No, it's no problem."

"Jim," Gary began, striding to block his path. "I want to talk to you, okay? Us meeting on the street the other day, I didn't get a chance to talk to you."

"Did you ever think it's because I don't want to talk to you?" He didn't want to bring up the restraining order in front of Chris - just one more draining thing he had to talk about. "Go away, Gary."

"Jim - " Gary insisted, and reached out for Jim's arm. Jim winced, but it wasn't for the grip. It was remembering all the times Gary had handled him like this, right before he'd brought his other hand to Jim's face. Jim flinched and shut his eyes tight.

"Hey!" Pike roared, noticing Jim's fear. He sprang into action and pulled Gary off, then shoved him a couple feet down the hall. "He said he doesn't want to talk to you. I suggest you do as he asks, before the police get involved."

Gary huffed, but didn't take a step forward. "What, are you his sugar daddy or something? Jim, is that it?"

Jim shook his head, punching out a shaky breath. He didn't dare look at Gary as he leaned against the wall. "No. Just go, Gary. Please, go away." He wasn't even sure how Gary had gotten in. Perhaps he'd slipped in while someone else had opened the door. Eric knew Gary, though, so he must have not been around to see Gary head up.

"Everyone deserves a second chance, Jim," Gary muttered. "Right? Don't I?"

"If you don't leave," Chris replied calmly. "I'm calling someone." He pulled out his cell to prove his point. "He doesn't want you to talk to him anymore."

Jim tried to defend himself. He didn't want Chris to have to deal with it. Every time he tried to get his voice to say the words Chris was saying, he choked. He didn't realize he was shaking until he his arms were wrapping instinctively around himself. When he managed to look up at Gary, it was at his retreating form. His legs gave out after he heard Gary's footsteps fading on the stairs. Suddenly his chest felt tight, and his vision swam.

"Jim, hey," Chris was saying. "Hey, you're okay. I'm right here. Breathe, Jim, just breathe."

Everything was dizzying for the next minute or so. When Jim could see clearly, he was in Chris's arms, clutching at his shirt and taking heaving breaths. "Shit. What happened to me? I don't..."

Chris crouched over him. "Panic attack. Mild, but...what happened, Jim? Who was that kid?"

Oh, right. "An ex. He...let's just say it ended badly. He wasn't supposed to be in my apartment at all, basically. I don't want to talk about it," he added desperately.

Chris nodded understandingly. It angered him to think that he was right about whatever it was that had happened between them. He remembered Winona telling him once that Jim had broken up with his boyfriend, but that was it. "Can you stand? You need some water, Jim."

"I - "

"Jim?" A female voice called. Jim looked up and found Gaila and Carol standing there, shopping bags in hand. "What happened? Who are you?"

Jim could see that the girls were upset, so he summoned strength to haul himself onto his feet. "No, it's okay, he's my friend. He's visiting me for a couple days. Uh, Gary was just here..."

Carol's jaw dropped, and Gaila's green eyes went wide. Her nostrils flared as she whipped out her cell. "Oh, that's it. I'm so calling the station! They need to have someone watching him!"

Carol let her into the apartment, so she could make her call without disturbing neighbors, but stayed behind with Jim. "Did he hurt you?"

"No. I just...panicked after he left. Chris was here, so I'm okay."

Carol looked up at the older man seriously. "Well, thank God. Thank you for protecting him. If that monster had done anything to Jim..."

Chris shook his head, resting a hand on Jim's back. "Wouldn't have let it happen, but I'm glad I was here, too." He looked at Jim. "Let's go back in, you look ready to collapse."

Jim nodded; he felt it. As he let Chris step into his apartment, he smiled at Carol. "I'm fine. It sounds like Gaila's got it covered."

Carol glanced towards the raised voice of her girlfriend, and nodded. "Yes, I believe so. We'll come by later, okay?"

Jim was more than okay with that. He closed the door behind him, locked it, and went over to the couch. He flopped onto it, resting an arm over his eyes. They felt raw from crying earlier. "God, what a day. What a couple of months," he huffed humorlessly.

Silently, Chris walked into the kitchen, found a glass, and filled it with water. He brought it to Jim, and when Jim sat up, took a spot next to him. "I can't imagine it. Well, I'm not leaving until I know you're on that plane, out of harm's way. Whatever that guy's done to you, if I see him again..."

Jim smiled against the rim of his glass. "You and Gaila both. I hope that they get something figured out at the station, I really don't want to think about the fact that he's running free without a leash."

"He served time?" Chris guessed.

"Oh, yeah." Jim finished his water in a final gulp, and rested back against the couch. "Enough time for me to get a new place, and move on with my life." He looked at Chris, and guilt suddenly hit him. "I'm sorry. You show up and you've been sucked into all my drama."

Chris reached out and patted his shoulder. "Don't apologize. I'm here for you Jim, that's the point. You look like you need some rest."

Jim wanted to argue, but he just couldn't. He nodded tiredly, and got to his feet. "Okay. Um, I'll catch a few, help yourself to anything in the kitchen, or the t.v. I won't be out very long."

When he reached the end of the hall, Jim stood outside Len's room, instead of walking into his own. He hadn't been in there often, just to open the window to freshen the small space. When he walked in, he couldn't help himself as he collapsed onto Len's bed. It still smelled faintly like him, and Jim tucked his arms under the pillow. His eyes shut, and his last thoughts were of Len as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, our boys are reunited at last.


	20. When The Day Arrives

David sat up quietly in bed. It was early morning, Eleanora still asleep soundly.

His body ached, especially his lungs, but he fought the temptation to cough as he stood. He got dressed quietly, and before he stepped out left a note on his pillow. He headed down the hall to Len's room and knocked lightly.

It was a full minute and another knock later that Len opened the door. His face was pouty with sleep, his hair sticking up in all directions. David laughed, unable to help the tiny spasm he directed into his sleeve. "Sorry. Morning, kid. Want to take a walk?"

Len blinked and yawned, then nodded. "Yeah, gimme a sec. I'll meet you downstairs?"

"Sounds good."

David waited by the front door. Five minutes later his son walked up to him, still pulling his arm into his sweatshirt. His hair was still a disaster, and David couldn't help but reach out and ruffle it more. Len laughed self-consciously, but didn't bat his hands away. "Thanks, pop."

"Any time. Let's go, before the sun decides to stop hittin' the snooze."

They walked outside onto the dewy lawn, and Len shivered. The stars were starting to fade, but not quite. He followed his Dad past the front gate, and down the path they'd wandered a million times. It was down to the creek, which ended at a small pond at the end of the property. The few trees dispersed, revealing the big, open sky above them. Len took a deep breath, and joined his father on the big, flat rock that seemed just made for them to sit on. "Beautiful..."

David nodded. The fresh air did his lungs good, and he'd often spent at least half-an-hour before sunrise out here since he'd found out his time was limited. "Len. I've never been good at goodbyes."

Len stilled. He looked over, but his father didn't meet his gaze. "Dad, please, not yet."

David cupped the back of his neck. "Then when? When I'm in bed, coughing and unable to get the words out? No, Len. My chance is now, and I need you to hear me out."

Len looked away. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Then waited. "Okay, Dad."

David took a breath. Just for this, he prayed, he needed to have the air to get all the words out. "Okay. I just want you to know how much I love you. You have always been my entire world. I hope it's okay to say, but even if you'd stayed my little Ellen, I wouldn't have done anything different. Your my only kid, and..." He swallowed against the lump in his throat. "And when it's all over, please know that."

Len nodded against the crooks of his elbows, eyes watering. "I know, Dad. I've always known that you would have loved me no matter what. I'm still glad that you supported me in it all."

David sniffled once, and cleared his throat. He then reached into his pocket, pulling out the item he'd stored in there since leaving his room. "I have a couple things here. One is for you, and the other...well..."

Len looked up, the knot in his throat bobbing painfully. His father had in his hand two very familiar items. One was the blue-gem ring he'd worn for years. The other was Eleanora's engagement ring, which had been kept immaculate for over twenty years. "Dad..." Len wavered uncertainly.

David gently took Len's hand, and set the two rings into his palm. "Your Mom and I talked about it last night. I can part easily with mine. With the engagement ring, that's your choice. We talked about Jim, and...we don't know if he'll be the one. We want you to find someone, though, who'll appreciate it. It'll be from you, after all, not us. You deserve as many years as Ma and I have had, and more."

Len didn't think he could cry any more. Every time, though, he was surprised as the tears renewed. He cried as he slipped his father's ring onto his pinky finger, and stared at it. It glistened in the increasing light, and he felt his heart breaking. This would be the last thing David would ever impart on him. "Thank you, Dad. You have no idea how much it means to me."

David opened his mouth to respond, but Len had surged forward to hug him. Suddenly Len was sobbing into his chest, clutching the fabric of his shirt tightly. "Oh, Len. I'm here," he hushed. "I'm still here." He rocked Len back and forth, and pressed a kiss against his messy locks. He hated to hear his son's anguish, knowing he was the reason for it. He'd spent all year asking whatever deity had inflicted him to give him more time, or take the illness away.

Now that time was up, and he had to say goodbye. "I love you, Len. I'm so proud of you, and so happy I got to be your Dad."

"I love you, too, Dad," Len whispered. His body hiccuped, and he couldn't control the sobs leaving him. "Love you so much..."

David looked up at the sky, and a saying he'd once heard came to mind. "Len."

After a moment. "...What?"

"I am not going to die. I'm going home like a shooting star."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter means so much. I thought a lot about this exchange, and I've read it through several times. I've cried each time, thinking about Leonard having to finally say goodbye to his father.


	21. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim makes it to Georgia, and finally gets acquainted with Len's parents.

The day Jim called, Len had just finished a long day of work. He was sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of ice water when his phone rang. He saw Jim's name and hurried to answer. "Hey, darlin'."

 _"Hey,"_ Jim's sweet voice rang through. _"Is this...an okay time?"_

"Yeah, no worries, Jim. How are you?"

Hesitation. _"Well, I made it through first semester. Passed mid-terms, did some laundry..."_

Len laughed, even though his heart ached. "Good to hear. Is work going well?"

_"Yeah, just fine. Um, listen. I wanted to ask you something, and I didn't want to do anything without you knowing."_

Len shifted uncertainly. "Go ahead, Jim."

_"I...want to be there. School is out, I just...I can't let you do this alone."_

Perhaps he was tired. Maybe, it was just the fact of going through each day with a ball of anxiety lodged in his stomach that had worn him down. Or it could have been that almost three months was just too long to not see Jim. The love of his life, on the other end of the states and alone. "Jim, I...think that now's the time. I would love to see you, and have you with me. I'm sorry that I couldn't make myself ask before."

Jim breathed in obvious relief on the other end. _"You have no idea what it means, hearing that."_ He was quiet for a few delayed moments.

"...Jim?"

_"I'm okay, sorry. Just...it's been really hard over here without you. I know I shouldn't focus on myself - "_

"Oh, Jim," Len shook his head. "Please. I don't want you to think that. I just want to see you, okay? I've missed you so much."

_"I've missed the hell out of you. Okay, I'm taking the first flight out that I can. I should be here by tomorrow night, at the latest."_

Len smiled a genuine smile at the thought. "Got it. Call me when you land, and I'll head out to get you. God, I love you, Jim. I know I haven't said it enough, but I love you."

 _"I-I...I love you, too,"_ Jim's voice cracked. _"See you soon, babe."_

The rest of the evening went normally, except the conversation over dinner was all about Jim. Len's parents hadn't mentioned him, as much as they'd wanted to, knowing it would hurt their son. Len missed Jim terribly, and it was hard to see that. Now that he would be here, they were beside themselves. Eleanora had a wide smile on her face as she thought about it.

"I'll have to make some special dishes. What does Jim like?"

"He's not too picky. When we first met, he had a major sweet tooth. He still does, but I instilled some healthy habits into him," Len laughed. "He'll appreciate anything you make, Ma. Oh," he stopped, and smiled. "Lasagna. Make lasagna. It's the first thing I ever made for him, before we started dating."

"Okay, honey," Eleanora smiled contently. She patted his hand and nodded.

The night was a little stressful. David had a coughing fit around one in the morning, but it thankfully ended up being mild. Len had the doctor on speed dial, and by the time the man arrived, David had calmed down a bit. He'd coughed up more blood and shook like a leaf, but he was okay. Len couldn't sleep the rest of the night.

It was only when his father was up and functioning around eight in the morning that he could dare doze off. It was under his mother's strict orders, and if there was any problem, he'd be woken. His nap lasted into early afternoon, when Jim called. Len woke with a start, fumbled his cell, and finally answered. "Hi, Jim? Hey..."

_"Hey, I'm here, at last."_

Len sat up and immediately scrambled for his socks and shoes. "'Kay. I'll be there in 'bout twenty minutes." When he went downstairs, his mother was making lunch. "Hey."

"Oh, you're awake at last!" She turned and smiled. "Get enough rest?"

"Yeah," he smiled. "Jim's here, I'm going to go get him. Won't be long."

Eleanora blinked, and God help her, cursed under her breath. "Well, shoot. Okay, when you get back, I need to go out and get stuff for dinner, I'm out of some ingredients. Didn't think about that."

"No worries, Mom." He grabbed the keys and his wallet, then headed out to the truck. With a light feeling in his heart, he pulled out and hit the road. He even turned on the radio to listen to on the way, and was singing along about half-way there. He was in a better mood than he'd been in a long time when he pulled into the airport, and hurried into the terminal to find Jim.

Jim was standing close to baggage claim, and spotted him almost immediately. It was cliche, but they practically ran into each other's arms. They collided and their arms wrapped around one another, and they couldn't let go. Len pressed a kiss against Jim's cheek and sighed in relief. "Jim. Jimmy, you're here."

"Yeah," Jim mumbled. "I'm here."

Len pulled away and looked at him, cupping the side of his face. He laughed an emotional laugh, then with all eyes available to see, kissed Jim right there. Jim was surprised, even more so when Len managed to haul him up a couple inches in his arms. "Hey - "

Len smooched him again before setting him down. "Couldn't do that when I left."

A little winded, Jim looked properly at Len this time. He'd always been in good shape, but even more so now. His chest and shoulders seemed even more broad, his arms toned and stomach a little more flat. Jim couldn't help but run his palms down Len's chest, and his brows shot up. "God. You look - "

"Excuse me," one of the airport staff walked up to them. "You'll have to take...this," he motioned to them in disgust, "little reunion outside. Please."

Jim stared. "What?" He asked incredulously.

Len just took his hand, and Jim's wheeled suitcase in hand, and nodded. "We understand, thank you. Have a nice day."

Jim was still in shock as he was taken out, led to Len's truck, and as he sat in the passenger seat. As Len pulled out, he finally turned on him. "What the hell was that, Len?"

Len shrugged. "You're not in Kansas anymore, Jim. Though they're not much higher on the ladder for gay rights..."

Jim blinked. "Oh." He'd been living in an environment for so long where his sexuality wasn't questioned. Here, he couldn't even imagine it. He realized something else, and it floored him that he'd never asked it before. He sat there quietly as Len drove, unable to form words.

Len finally cleared his throat. "Jim? No offense, but I was hoping this would be a little more...conversation-oriented. You okay?"

Without looking at him, Jim murmured his question aloud. "What was it like, Len? I'm sorry I've never even asked."

"What was what like, Jim?"

"Growing up, and transitioning? Is that what it was like? Being discriminated against?"

Len didn't answer right away. He looked briefly over at Jim, then reached out and took his hand. He kissed Jim's knuckles before letting go to manage the clutch again. "Not really. I knew what I had to do, no matter what people said. As a kid, it hurt a little when people talked at school. The fact that I looked like a girl and had a boy name, identified as a boy..." He shook his head. "It scared people. They were never brave enough to approach someone like me. Gay couples deal with that all over. We've just been incredibly blessed, Jim."

Jim looked over at him, and was in complete awe. It had never registered negatively that he had a trans boyfriend. That wasn't even a conscious thought. Len had always been Len, through and through. None of their friends had ever questioned it, either. Jim realized, though, that being aware and defending Len when the time came was important. He was embarrassed that he'd just let that incident go without a word. "I'm sorry, Len."

Len frowned. "For what?"

"I...I should have said something."

Len shook his head. "No, Jim! If someone was offended, that's their choice. I didn't want to cause a scene, but I'm not sorry for it," he grinned unabashed. "A kiss in a public place isn't illegal, just...frowned upon for some. Don't worry, Jim, we did nothing wrong."

Jim nodded after a moment. "You're totally right, sorry."

Len glanced at him. As he reached the turn off to his house, he pulled over on the side of the road. He parked, and shifted closer to Jim. He reached out and cupped the side of Jim's face, brushing a thumb over his cheek. "Hey. Why don't we finish that kiss?"

Jim's tongue brushed over his lips, before Len captured them.

~*~*~*~*~

"Jim Kirk, nice to meet you!"

Eleanora looked at Jim's outstretched hand, and laughed. "Boy, you deserve more than that!" She waved him close, and brought him into a tight hug. He grunted lightly, but patted her back. "Nice to meet you, too, Jim."

Once Jim was free, he turned to David McCoy. There was a fallen moment of silence, before David stuck out his hand. "Don't worry, my wife does enough hugging for the both of us. Pleasure, son."

Jim took his hand, and noticed that for a thin, frail-looking man, the guy had a grip. "You, too. Thank you for letting me stay here, I promise not to be any trouble."

Eleanora shook her head. "No, we understand. Well, Len's taken residence in our guest room, since he hauled most of his stuff to California, but I suppose you'll want to room together?" She gave him a knowing look, to which her son went bright red.

"Mom..."

"Well, I'm just sayin', we won't say a word if you two happen to decide - "

"OKAY, Mom, thank you!" Len winced. Had he known he was going to get embarrassed, he would have saved Jim from it, too. Next to Eleanora, David was trying to hide his laughter. "Dad, don't you start."

"Hey, now!" David looked over in shock. "I haven't said anything! Besides, she's not wrong, we _won't_ say a word."

Jim laughed as Len pulled him away from the two cackling parents. Len managed to haul both Jim and the suitcase upstairs quickly, and he didn't stop until they were in the safety of the room. Len closed the door and leaned against it, rolling his eyes. "God, sorry. I'm a grown-ass man, that was a low blow."

Jim laughed again, and moved closer to him. He pressed their bodies together, with their noses barely touching. "Well, I might just agree with them, too. Who's gonna complain about two young people, madly in love?"

Len began to protest, but it was lost in a rather heated kiss. Len let himself get lost in it, with Jim's hands roaming over him. Two months without him, without his touch; Len was helpless against it. Jim's hips bumped his lightly, sending a spark right up his spine that left him weak-kneed. "Jim - "

"Hm," Jim whispered, moving his lips to Len's neck.

"Later, okay? Just...it's the middle of the day, and dinner'll be soon."

Jim sighed quietly against his jaw, but finally nodded. "Missed you, Len. Missed every second without you," he said seriously. He ended up in Len's arms, just hugging him, eyes closed. "I don't think I could ever do something like this again, being separated."

Len softened, and tipped Jim's chin up so their eyes met. "I'm sorry. I put us both through hell, and I shouldn't have. You supported me through it, and that...meant the world."

Jim leaned back into his embrace. "From now on, we're here for each other. I'll support you no matter what, but...I'd rather be there with you to do it."

Len laughed, his chest hitching lightly. "Me, too, Jim."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the next six chapters ready to go. I love this story so much, I haven't been able to stop writing it. I hope you've all been enjoying it up to this point as much as I have!!
> 
> I do have a question, though. Do you all feel like I'm posting at the right pace? To much/not enough? Please, let me know, thanks!!


	22. The Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acceptance hits the members of the McCoy family, and Jim supports them.

Jim thought he was the one who ended up being pretty well-behaved. They managed to make it back downstairs for a while, talking with Len's mother. David was off in the living room, napping, so they spoke quietly. Eleanora was getting ingredients together, when she stopped and realized she'd forgotten something else.

"My goodness, where is my fool brain today? I'm sorry, boys, I'll be right back."

"You don't want us to get it, Ma?" Len asked, already standing. Eleanora's hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"No, honey, I've got it," she smiled, and was out of the room before Len could even offer again. Once he heard her pull out of the drive, he looked at Jim. Jim looked up at him, and smiled when Len pulled him to his feet.

"I thought you wanted to wait," Jim murmured as they headed upstairs.

"Well, I changed my mind," Len laughed, and dragged Jim into their room. He locked the door before attacking Jim in a heated kiss, and walked them over to the bed. They tumbled onto the covers, and wasted no time in getting reacquainted with each other. They went undisturbed the rest of the afternoon, and once they'd managed to get out of bed, they'd worked up an incredible appetite.

When they wandered into the kitchen, they got a knowing look from Eleanora, who as promised, didn't say a word. "Evenin', boys, have a seat; dinner's almost ready."

Lasagna, as requested. The table was set, with Jim and Len's help, and the main dish was placed and invited to be dug into. Jim sighed happily from his first bite, the noodles in his mouth practically melting. "Oh, wow. This is so fantastic. I've missed this stuff so bad."

Eleanora perked up, looking proudly at Len. "Oh, so you didn't do so bad with the recipe, if he remembers it!"

Len stabbed another forkful, nodding. "I was pretty pleased with myself. It's good, Ma, thanks."

David was feeling good tonight, so he'd managed to join in on the wonderful cooking he so often missed out on anymore. "Ellie, honey, this is fantastic."

She watched the three men wolf down the dinner she'd made, carefully prepared just for them, and felt her sinuses prickle. She raised her napkin to her eyes and cleared her throat. "No. I'm not going to cry, I swear. I'm okay," she said when Len reached out for her. "Just so happy, baby. Seeing this picture is worth a thousand words."

David cleared his throat after a moment. "Okay, now. Why don't we let Jim take the floor? Tell us about yourself, Jim."

Jim didn't want to be the center of attention, but all eyes were on him. He said where he was from, and how he'd basically been like every other kid, trying to find his way. He talked a little about his Dad, but there wasn't much to say. Not for lack of respect, but not ever knowing the man made it difficult to paint a picture.

He talked about his story of getting into college, and how he'd nearly dropped out at fifteen. Len didn't know this, so he listened intently. "I was done. Depressed, at the end of my rope, feeling like a loser. My English teacher helped me through a really tough time, and I made sure that I always had a class he was teaching. Without him, I would have never made any applications to college."

Len shook his head. "Amazing. You never cease in amazing me, Jim."

Jim ducked his gaze shyly. "I'm all right. I don't always know what I'm supposed to do. I just know what I can do."

Len looked at him lovingly, and leaned over to kiss his cheek. Then he looked at his parents, and smiled. "Well, you don't have to worry, I have the best boyfriend a guy could ask for." He shared a knowing look at David, which may have passed over Jim's head, but not Eleanora's. David had told her that Len had taken the engagement ring. Whether or not he would present it to Jim, they weren't certain.

After dinner, there was the matter of dishes to be done. Jim offered, but both Len and his mother insisted that he was the guest. David didn't have much energy this time of night, so he offered to sit down with Jim in the living room and watch television. Len stood at the sink with this mother after they'd gone, and she began washing plates off.

"I'm proud of you, Len," she murmured, eyes on the sink. She handed the cleaned plate over to him, and he dried it. "I just...I'm happy that we both got to meet Jim."

"I wanted more than anything for him to be here from the start. I just...I didn't want me to be the risk of his schooling. You heard how much it meant to him."

She smiled at him, and nodded. "I understand now. I'm still proud of you for sticking with it as long as you could. It's the holidays now, and he at least gets some time to relax. Your father, too." She gave a wavering sigh, and shook her head. Her lips pursed in familiar fashion, and her hands rested on the edge of the sink. She raised her head at last and blinked against her falling tears. "Lord help me..."

It was the first time he'd seen her cry over David. It seemed to have just hit her, the realization. Len hesitantly reached out, unsure of her reaction, but she let him pull her into his arms. "It's okay, Mom," he whispered. "It's okay to cry."

"I don't wanna cry," she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck. "I don't want it to be like this." Her knees gave out, and the two of them sank to the floor. "I'm so sorry, Len."

"Don't be," he mumbled. "Don't be sorry, mama. I'm right here, I got you..."

Eleanora nodded. She thought she'd be okay, at least get back onto her feet. She found she didn't have the strength to just yet, and let Len comfort her a while longer.

~*~*~*~*~

David quietly shut the door, then sat down on the steps of the front porch. Jim joined him, a somber look on his face. They'd both heard Eleanora start to cry, Len's quiet voice carrying into the living room. David had silently motioned for them to step outside, to give them privacy. "Sorry. I just...don't want to hear them mourn."

Jim nodded, his words catching briefly in his throat. He looked up at the night sky, amazed at how many stars there were. "You never get to see them like this in the city."

David smiled and looked up. "Indeed. I've never known what the big hype is about city life. Noisy, isn't it?"

Jim laughed softly. "Yeah, a little. Like I said, I grew up in Iowa, so it was about the same as it is here."

"You miss it?"

"Nah, not really. I mean, I kind of made a lot of bad memories there. Coming to California was the thing that saved me. Meeting Len..."

David shifted, ignoring the constant ache in his body. He was so tired anymore, it hurt. "How was he, when he first got there? He never talked much about it, just that he was settled in."

Jim gave a nostalgic sigh at that. "Sounds like Len. I think he struggled to adjust more than he let on. Maybe he was afraid he wouldn't be accepted, a little like he was here." Jim frowned, remembering the encounter at the airport, and the discussion that followed. "I guess I never noticed, I was pretty smitten with him from the start. Took any chance I could to talk to him."

David laughed, and reached out to give Jim a clap on the shoulder. "You could be a McCoy yet. Jim, I'm really glad I got to meet you. I'd always wondered who it was who made Len so damn happy, and here you are."

Jim looked over, the words reaching his heart. "I love him, more than anyone."

"He loves you just the same. A match made in Heaven, I s'pose," he shrugged. He winced lightly, and had to turn away to cough. He felt Jim's hand on his shoulder, and once it passed, he nodded gratefully. "M'okay, thanks. Just hurts somethin' awful."

"...Are you scared?" Jim couldn't help but ask.

David didn't seem to mind. "I think...sometimes I am. Now that the time is near, it's dawning a little more clearly. I don't stay in denial about it, for their sake, and because I'm not. I felt it last year when I got sick, but we weren't sure."

Jim looked away, remembering when Len had come home. "Len seemed so tired when I saw him - when he got back. You think...he knew then?"

"...I dunno. Perhaps yes, perhaps not. I think he still hopes there might be a miracle; Ellie, too."

Suddenly the door opened behind them. They both looked up, and found Len standing there. He smiled at the two of them, but it was strained with sadness. "Hey, what's this? You scarin' my boyfriend, Daddy?"

"Oh, yeah. Told him if he ever hurt you, I'd blast him one," David winked. He managed to pull himself to his feet, with both younger men at the ready in case he toppled over. "Is your Mom upstairs?"

"Yeah, she's pretty exhausted. I'm thinkin' about nodding off - Jim?"

Jim stepped closer, wrapping his arm around Len's waist. He pressed a soft kiss to Len's cheek, then said, "Yeah, sounds great. Well, David, it was nice talking to you."

David nodded and stepped inside first. He shuffled upstairs and into his bedroom, where Eleanora was in bed already. She lay on her side, away from him, but as he slipped under the covers, she looked sweetly at him in the darkness. He scooted closer, and wordlessly brushed his hand over her cheek. "Hey. You sure look darlin' tonight. You look stunning every night, and..." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Sorry I never told you that enough."

"Oh, David," she sighed. There was a smile on her face. "You told me every day, you sweet fool. That was enough."


	23. Saying Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The funeral of David McCoy. Len and Eleanora both give their words for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags have been added. Since this is THE chapter, there may be triggers. Please do not feel you have to read if you cannot.

We are gathered here today.

In memory of the man who's passed on today.

Thank you all for attending today.

As Len stood at the pulpit, he gripped the sides and tried to calm his pounding heart. David would have teased him for being so nervous, but...well, this was his funeral. Finally he took a deep breath, not quite meeting the eyes of those in the pews. There were a lot more people than expected, and as Len realized that, he found his words.

"I think what my father would have appreciate the most, is knowing he was loved. It's good to see so many of you here. I...wasn't sure what exactly it was I should say. What do you say, over losing the man who raised you?" He paused to swipe a rebellious tear already threatening to fall down his face. "I can consider myself the luckiest person alive, to have had him for a father, to have his guidance. I wouldn't..." He swallowed heavily, raised his eyes up. "I wouldn't be where I am today, or who I am today, without him."

His legs felt like jelly as he spoke. He wondered if he would just pass out from disbelief, unable to comprehend that the beautiful casket behind him held his hero. He expressed that as strongly as he could, trying to keep his voice even as possible. He didn't allow to let stray thoughts of the night he'd died into his grieving mind, just the night he'd talked to him by the pond. Or any other happy memory he could muster to distract himself.

He finally ended his eulogy - he had to - to let his mother speak. He took careful steps back down, sat next to Jim, and immediately grasped for his hand. His expression was neutral, for the most part, but inside he was shattered. He needed Jim to keep him together.

His mother's words were sweet. She talked about their first days together, a little of their courtship, and how happy she remembered David being when they found out she was expecting. "He'd never considered himself father material, he didn't have that growin' up, but...if there was a way to immortalize his expression when he found out...I've thought about it so many times. When we had Len, it was like he'd realized he was ready. He had this little baby to care for now, and that meant the world to him. There wasn't much David treasured more besides his son."

Len's emotions bobbed dangerously close to the surface. He was able to take control when a close friend of David's got up to speak, and the air changed as light-hearted antics were told. After the priest gave his closing words, the procession moved out to the grave site. It was a sunny day; didn't that beat all, David might say. He was buried at the Georgia Memorial Cemetery.

Len felt amazingly serene as the casket was lowered. Nothing would be dropped in with it, that wasn't what David would have wanted. The grave was soon covered, and after a final prayer and invitation for any words, the session was over. That was it, it was final.

Except, it didn't feel like that.

As Len stood there silently, even after most had gone, it felt like a hole had opened up inside him. The serene feeling was gone, replaced by the cold realization that his father was truly gone. He was aware of Jim at his side as he fell to his knees, not caring about making grass stains on his nice slacks. He rested his face into his palms, and felt the hot tears smear into his skin. "He's gone. H-He's really..."

"I've got you, Leonard," Jim whispered thickly. "I'm right here, I've got you."

He couldn't believe it hurt this much. He'd thought about this moment so many times, and now that he was here, it was more painful than he could have imagined. He tossed his head back and howled, his chest chest heaving with unrestrained emotion. He held onto Jim for dear life, and Jim held on just as tightly. "God, please," he begged hoarsely, "please take this pain away. I can't do it...please."

But God was cruel, and the pain stayed.

~*~*~*~*~

It was late when Len and Jim trudged through the door. Len hadn't said a word since leaving the site. His mother had gone home before him, having made a lunch to thank those who'd attended. Len just couldn't bring himself to do it, to socialize and act like he was okay. Like tomorrow the sun would shine the same way it always had.

Jim had stayed close to him the entire time, never straying away from whatever physical contact Len needed. A hug, an arm around his shoulder, their hands entwined together. He thought that, as they stepped into the guest room, that Len might need privacy. "Do you want...?" He tried to say.

Len shook his head desperately. He was too tired to cry any more, his eyes puffy from the tears shed. "Stay. I never felt so alone when we were..." He choked. "Just stay, please. I need you so much, Jim."

Jim nodded, and guided Len to sit on the bed. He slipped Len's tie away from his neck, then took his jacket when Len handed it over. Jim wasn't in a suit - he hadn't had one to bring, but he was in the nicest button down he had and his black jeans. Both of them toed out of their shoes, then settled down in bed. Jim's arm wrapped securely around Len's middle.

It wasn't long before Len's breath slowed and evened, and he was fast asleep. Jim wished he could sleep, but all he could think about was the anguish that had been expressed. It broke him apart to see Len so broken, and wondered if Len would ever recover from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling this is a little surreal. Even the chapters where it was focused on Jim and Len, or the other characters, I always had the McCoys on my mind. Especially David. Perhaps that ever since I thought about the possibility he might die, he was just a constant presence.
> 
> He always struck me as someone who loved very privately, but very deeply. A hard worker who cared about his family more than anything.


	24. What Brings The Wall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len over-works himself to exhaustion, trying to push his depression away. Jim feels helpless and Eleanora feels shut out from her son.

It seemed the Heavens had a little mercy after all, because it rained for three days straight after the funeral.

Jim's vacation time was almost over, with two days to go, but there was no way he was leaving. While Len was asleep, Jim headed downstairs to find Eleanora sitting quietly at the kitchen table. His question died on his lips, and for a few minutes he sat with her in the silence. She finally patted his hand, and smiled at him. "You are the sweetest person. Thank you, Jim."

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Just...continue being you. Being there for Len, like you already are. It means the world that you're here."

"I wish I could do more."

"...I hope you don't need to get back to school soon?" She asked. "We don't want to burden your schedule with that."

"Oh, no, no! Um, I was actually going to ask, I need to email my teachers - I'm not leaving yet. Do you have a computer I could use?"

Eleanora shook her head apologetically. "I am so sorry, we don't. David and I never bothered with that stuff. I'll let you borrow the truck into the city, if you'd like."

Jim hated to leave Len, but it was only for a short time. After getting directions, he hopped up into the truck and pulled out. It had been some time since he'd driven a clutch, but he managed to pick it up quickly and made it to the city in once piece. He found the city library easily, stepped in from the relentless rain, and hurried to write his emails.

He explained the situation, asked if there was work that could be sent to him, or that he could make up in a few sittings once he got back. He apologized, and then sent an email to his boss with a similar message. He'd already called out work to be here, but he hoped they would be understanding. He just couldn't leave Len, no matter the consequences.

He was mostly worried about Len's behavior since the funeral. Len was so quiet, hardly smiled, and worked from sun up to sun down. Jim couldn't bring himself to ask if he was okay, because he knew Len wasn't. He was trying to cope, and he was burning up fast. This was proven once again when Jim pulled up, and he could see Len guiding one of the horses into its stall near the house.

"Len!" Jim called to get his attention. Len looked up, and his expression softened a bit. He met Jim half way, but when Jim's arms outstretched he didn't move in closer. "Len, are you...?"

"Just don't wanna get you soaked, Jimmy," Len murmured. His eyes were bloodshot, too, and that worried Jim more. "I'll be in soon, to help with dinner."

"Len, you..." He began, but changed his mind last second. "Okay. Can I help at all?"

Len ducked his gaze. "No, I'm okay." He sniffled from the chill. "Be in shortly."

When Jim walked into the kitchen, Eleanora was already started on dinner. Jim offered to help, and she willingly accepted. "Thank you, Jim."

Jim nodded. He was assigned the task of peeling sweet potatoes. "Do you think...he'll eat something today?"

"...I dunno. I hope so, I'm startin' to fret over that."

Threy heard the door open a while later. Then Len's footsteps, and a heavy thud as he crashed in to sit on the nearest chair. He clutched at his head, a deep frown knitting his brow. Eleanora dropped her knife on the board immediately and rushed over. She only had to run her hands over his face to realize the problem. He tried to weakly bat her hands away. "M'okay, mama."

"No, you're sick as a dog, Leonard. My God, get up to bed, you understand me?" She snapped.

"Ma - "

"Len!" Her voice rose. She took a breath, then lowered it again. "Go. I can't...I need you to be healthy, don't you see? Please, just..." She shook her head.

Len seemed to be struggling to comprehend, his eyes widened at her reaction. Jim stepped over, and took Len's hands. "Babe, please. I'll help you upstairs, and we'll make you something to help you feel better. Please?" He added.

In the end, Len had to do as they asked. He was feeling like shit and didn't have energy left to argue. He let Jim guide him upstairs and into their shared room. Once the door was closed, Jim helped him out of his wet clothes, and into his warm sweat pants and hoodie. He shuffled into bed, and Jim pulled the warm covers over him. "Jim..."

"Hm? What is it?"

Len took his hand, and looked up at him thankfully. "I'm half-delirious, and you...you're still with me. Workin' myself to my bones..." He rested his head back and shut his eyes against the throb in his head. He felt hot all over, and his sinuses were stuffed up.

Jim smiled and leaned in to kiss his warm forehead. "Well, Bones, get some rest."

Len frowned at the nickname. "Bones? Hell kinda name is..." He trailed off, slumping down from exhaustion.

Jim carefully eased him farther down, under the covers. He felt okay to leave for now, just to give his hard worker the rest he needed. He turned off the lights, and whispered, "Love you, Len."

~*~*~*~*~

"Jim, I'm feeling better, okay?"

"Ah-ah," Jim insisted, pressing his palms against Len's shoulders. "Well, you're starting to sound like yourself again, but there are rules."

"Rules, huh?" Len grumped, and folded his arms. "What, you the boss of me now?"

Jim gave Len his one-hundred-percent-done look. "Someone's gotta do it. You're not taking care of yourself, and we're really worried about you."

Len slumped back against his pillow, a defeated expression on his face. "Someone's gotta do it, huh? Someone's gotta take care of this place, Jim. Mom can't take care of it all on her own. I can't let her overwork herself..."

"Spoken like a true son of mine," Eleanora said from the door as she knocked. She had a bowl of soup on a tray, plus a glass of water and some medicine. "Here, take this, and then eat your soup. Then I expect you to stay in bed the rest of today, at least. I can't let you overwork yourself, honey."

Len heaved a sigh, but he obediently downed the fever reducer with his water. He took a couple of bites of the beef stew, and let it warm him up. Yesterday he'd been burning up, today he had the worst chills. His throat ached more today, but at least his fever was down. The worst part about being sick, was being unable to fight the crippling depression he felt.

Jim running a hand through his messy hair was a comfort, at least. "Feel a littler better?"

Len gave him a tired smile after another bite. "Yeah, doc, I'm good. Thanks, the both of you, for keeping me in check. I know...I've been difficult the last few days."

Jim shared a look with Eleanora. They weren't upset with him, just concerned. They'd really gotten to know each other because they were the only company they had. Eleanora just shook her head and smiled. "Honey, these days have been difficult, not you." She glanced at Jim again. "Jim, would you mind...I'd like a couple minutes."

Jim immediately stood. "Oh, sure." He smiled at Len before stepping out, and closing the door.

"Mom?" Len asked, when the quiet became too much. "What is it?"

"I just, I want you to know that I'm still here for you, baby. I know this has been so painful for you, but it's been hard for me, too. Us not talkin' much makes it that much harder." She reached out for his hand and squeezed tightly. "I love you, Len. Family supports each other in good times and bad - and this is a really bad time."

Len looked away. He had been pretty shut up since the funeral. Avoiding conversation, pretending no one was in pain. "It hurts, Mom," he mumbled. He rested a hand over his chest, and the ache renewed. "I wake up every day feeling like I'll never be happy again. As long as I keep moving, I can ignore the pain."

Eleanora shook her head. "That isn't the point of losing someone, baby. Loss hurts, and accepting it hurts more. It has to be done, though, because if it isn't...I'm gonna end up losing you, too. I don't know what I'd do without you, Leonard. There are other ways to cope than working yourself into the ground. You know that your father..." She swallowed carefully. "He never lived by that. He wouldn't want you to get swallowed up in work."

Len looked down at his bowl, and set it aside. His appetite was gone, his emotions replacing the emptiness inside. "I miss him, Mom," he whispered. "I just keep thinking this is a bad dream I'll wake up from, and..."

"Oh, honey," she said at noticing the tears in his eyes. She scooted onto his bed and tucked him into her arms, rocking him lightly. "I know. I wake up, and it's like...a huge weight is pressing down. A voice telling me to stay in bed, there's no point. Except that there is a point, Len," she added firmly. "Life doesn't stop because your Dad is gone."

He nodded against her chest. "I know, I just...can't find any comfort..."

She kissed the top of his head, and looked down as he looked up at her. "You will find it. Perhaps not from us, not from work, but...you will find it, honey. I know because I'm still looking for mine. I've done it before, I can do it again," she sighed. "I know you can, you've worked so hard for everything, Len."

"...Thanks, Mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are a little brighter next chapter. 
> 
> This one was so sad to me, because Len just keeps going and going until he can't go anymore. He keeps distracting himself with work, but the truth his, David is on his mind all the time. He's just wearing himself out, like we so often do when we're fighting something extremely difficult.
> 
> Eleanora's suffering, too. She's lost her husband, and now she feels like she was losing her son. Being shut out might seem like a good idea, but it's painful and difficult for those on the outside.


	25. Worth the Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len continues to recover, and shows Jim around the property when a sunny day finally comes along. At the end of it, he asks Jim an important question.

"I really, really appreciate this, Karu." Len ran a hand through his hair.

_"No, it's no trouble, Len. I know this is a hard time for you, just...take care of yourself. Let me know when you're heading home, is all I ask."_

"Of course, yeah. I...should be back soon, just have a couple things left to settle here."

_"You're okay?"_

Len smiled sincerely. "Yeah, I am. Doin' better, with Jim here."

_"Okay. Well, I should go, but thanks for calling me back. I'll talk to you later."_

"Bye." Len hung up, and pushed out a relieved breath. He ran a hand through his hair again, and smiled up at Jim. "Still have a job."

Jim moved away from leaning on the counter, and stepped behind Len. He rested his hands on Len's shoulders, massaging them lightly. "Of course. Karu understands the situation."

Len patted his hands, and let Jim relax him for a few minutes. He'd spent these last ten days as a ball of stress. His father's will had been read yesterday - David had left the house with his wife, and a decent amount of finances to keep up on things for a while. There weren't many possessions he'd left, but that had never mattered. Len looked down at the ring on his finger, and knew he had the most important thing his father could give him.

Eleanora was in the city today, leaving the house quiet. Len sighed contently as Jim's skillful hands worked the stress away. Finally he shifted, then moved to stand or he knew he'd fall asleep. "Hey, you wanna go for a walk?"

"Sure. I've been wanting the grand tour," Jim smiled.

"I know, I haven't been great about that," Len sighed. "Listen, I'll be down in a second, okay? Wait for me outside?"

Jim nodded, and headed out onto the front porch. Len stood there a moment, then went upstairs into their room. He lowered down to rummage though his suitcase, which he hadn't really unpacked that well. He figured this was a temporary stay, so there was no need to hang things up. He hit the bottom and found the sock he was looking for, with the small square item inside.

He opened it briefly, took a nervous breath, and closed it. Then he stuffed it into his back pocket, and headed down to meet Jim. Jim reached out for his hand, and their fingers looped together as they walked. Len took the lead, first walking around the side of the house towards the stables. "Well, here are the horses, just a couple these days. There were two more when I was growin' up, but we sold them."

Jim looked and saw three horses. "Is one of them yours?"

Len smiled and walked to the nearest one, a grey and white horse. "No, but I love all of 'em. This is Aida, she's a sweet old gal. You can pet her, if you'd like."

Jim hesitated as he watched Len stroke the horse's mane. "You sure?"

"Oh, yeah, she's real tame."

Jim reached out, and gave a slight gasp when the horse nuzzled his palm. She snuffed contently, and he felt comfortable running a hand over her soft hair. "Whoa, this is...really cool." He laughed when Aida whinnied happily.

Len grinned, and patted Jim's back in encouragement. "She likes you, Jim. Gettin' old's made her a little anti-social, so a new face is nice."

Jim gave Aida a final pat, then looked at the other ones. "What about these two?"

"Well, this one is Ollie," Len motioned to the handsome brown one, "and Maddie," the lighter brown one. "Mama and baby. I got to birth this big guy when I visited last year."

Jim's brows raised. "Wow, really? How was that?"

"Oh, I've done it before. It's an experience to watch, not gonna lie. He was a little small, but he's filling out and growin' up healthy."

Jim sighed in awe, and nuzzled against Maddie with more confidence. "You must have loved growing up here. I mean, we had open fields at home, but not many animals. I think I had a dog once," Jim laughed, "but he was kind of a stray and didn't stay long. What other animals are here?"

Len smiled and took his hand, and said goodbye to the horses. "Well, I'll show ya."

As they stepped out into the sunlight, Jim caught the happiness glinting in Len's eyes. The sun shining on his messy, dark hair, the color back in his face. "Len?" He stopped walking.

"Hm?"

Jim leaned in and kissed him. Len matched his rhythm a moment later, and for a minute they remained lip-locked. Len was the first to pull away, looking at Jim through heavy lids. Jim just smiled and pecked his lips again. "It's just really good to see you smiling again."

Len pressed their foreheads together, then wrapped his arms around Jim. "It's good to smile again. Thanks, Jim."

"You're welcome." Finally they pulled away, and Len kept on with his tour.

They spent the entire day outside, and ended up at the pond. Talked about everything and nothing, told each other stories and remembered over other ones. Then they fell into content silence, laying on the bank and eyes up at the countless stars. Jim had a sudden thought, and as tempted as he was to keep it to himself, the words were tumbling out like a confession.

"Gary came to see me before I got here."

Len turned onto his side, easing up onto his elbow. "What?"

Jim looked at him, like it were no big deal. Now, of course, it wasn't. "Yeah. He thought I was still living at my old apartment. The girls weren't home," he added at Len's expression, "but we were both surprised."

"He didn't hurt you did he?"

Jim smiled and shook his head. "No. And old friend was visiting, my high school teacher, Chris. He pretty much told Gary off by threatening with the police. I kind of...had a break down after that. I was so stressed with everything - school, work...being alone." He looked away. "It was really hard."

Len shifted closer, resting a hand on Jim's chest. Jim's hand clasped over his. "I really put you through hell, didn't I? Boy, if I'd been there..." He muttered, but something hit him. "Except I wasn't."

"No. You were where you were supposed to be, with your Dad. That's more important than defending me from an old bully." Jim sat up, scooting close to Len. Their lips met again in a slow kiss, and Len sighed against his lips. "Don't worry. I'm here now. It just made a lot of things clear for me."

Len hesitated. "...Like what?"

"I...I'm afraid. I don't know what's going to happen, and I can't handle Gary trying to worm his way back. I was thinking I might go home for a bit, but...I dunno. What do you think?"

Len sat with him, but didn't respond. He was quiet for a long time, a million things running through his head. He looked at Jim, the love of his life, and took his hand. "C'mere."

Curiously, Jim followed as Len pulled them both to their feet. They didn't go far, only to the flat rock by the water. Len had Jim sit down, and looked down lovingly at him. "Jim...what would you do if I asked you to stay with me? Here? Or, I could go with you to Iowa. Or anywhere," he added with a nervous laugh.

"I'd be okay with anything. I really don't think I'd want to be apart from you."

Len nodded slowly, and took a deep breath. There were so many things he wanted to say, but only one thing he knew he had to do. He reached into his back pocket, pulled out the small box, and began to lower onto one knee. He watched Jim's expression carefully - it went from to surprise, to realization, to shock. "Len..."

Len held up the box, and opened it. His mother's engagement ring was inside, glistening in the moonlight. "Jim, I don't think there'd ever be a better time to ask you, than now. I know it's been so stressful, but you..." He paused. "You did somethin' for me that no friend I ever had would do. You were there for me no matter what I needed, just because we were friends, just because you loved me."

There was happiness washing over Jim's face. "Of course. God, Len, I love you so much."

"I love you, too. That's why I want to ask you to marry me. Obviously we couldn't get married here, but California wouldn't mind," he chuckled. "Whadd'ya reckon?"

"Yeah," Jim laughed, and surged forward for a kiss. "I'll marry you, Len," he mumbled through it. "I'll marry you."

They shared a couple more celebratory kisses, before Len slipped the ring on. It only fit Jim's pinky, but they'd get it resized later. Jim wasn't sure where he got the strength to stand, but hand-in-hand they walked back to the house.

Eleanora was inside, busy at making dinner. "Hey, boys!" She called as she heard the door open. "Look, I know it's a little late, I just - " She turned as she saw them, beaming like lights, and looked at Len. Jim held up his hand, showing the ring, and Eleanora cried out in happiness. "OH! Oh, my GOODNESS! Len, my baby, you proposed!" She embraced Jim tightly, then hurried to hug Len and laughed. "Congrats, darlings!"

"Thanks, Mom," Len murmured. "We'll have to adjust it a little, with your permission."

Eleanora looked at it, taking Jim's hand in her palm. "Oh, it sure needs it. Yes, of course. And Jim, you can call me Mom, before you start frettin'," she laughed, and Jim returned it.

"Okay, Mom," Jim grinned, and Eleanora pulled him into a tight hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved this chapter! So happy from the last ones we've had...
> 
> They're engaged! I have been looking forward to this chapter for two weeks now! They may be young, but they're in love and I can never resist getting my McKirk boys married off! This experience has been tough for all of them.
> 
> When they get home, I will be shifting back into transitional issues and the like. Thanks for reading, I can't believe we're this far in!


	26. Heading Home and Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Len make it home, and the announcements begin.

Jim and Len trudged into their apartment at roughly three in the morning, properly exhausted. Because of the hour, they hadn't wanted to wake the girls and took a cab straight home. "Thank the Lord," Len sighed as Jim flipped on their light. He wheeled his suitcase in and set it by the door, then set Jim's abandoned bag next to it.

Jim sat back on the couch, eyes closed and face drawn in fatigue. "That was the longest day of my life."

Len plopped down next to him, and pulled Jim into his arms. "Yeah, it was. We made it, and you stuck with me." He kissed the top of Jim's head, running a hand up and down his arm. "You are the best fiance ever."

Jim smiled at him, wrapping one arm over Len's waist. "God. Fiance...we're engaged, Len. What the hell are we supposed to do next?"

Len just shrugged and laughed. "We'll figure that out after some shut-eye."

It had been a long day. The two of them had gotten up early to go and buy their plane tickets. Eleanora had contributed, but only after she said it was like part of her wedding gift to them. Len had insisted all they were doing was heading home, but she was stubborn about it. The packing had been the easy part, but it was the goodbyes that had been difficult.

Len still struggled with his depression. It had now been a full two weeks since the funeral, and Jim watched as Len had his good days and bad days. Those days were bad, leaving Len in bed, curled under his blankets as he cried his heart out. Or sometimes he would head up to the cemetery alone, and be gone that entire afternoon. To keep his head on, and be Len's support, Jim helped around the house and yard, knowing it was just too much to take on for one person. The hardest part on Len was knowing he had to leave his mother again, alone in their house.

The good days were like the bandage to sooth the wound. Watching Len smile and carry on a conversation, able to function and push away his sadness instead of letting it beat him. It took steady work and convincing to help Len realize he had to go back, to get on his feet with work, and with the engagement.

"Don't stress yourselves," Eleanora had said. "If you'd like we can talk about things that need to be done - but they don't all have to be done so soon."

They'd talked about first announcing it to close friends, and Jim's mother. It didn't have to be a big ceremony, if they even wanted one. The important part was signing their marriage license. Eleanora had written things down, like the caterer, photographer, and a place to have the wedding, but she made them promise not to worry over it until they'd had a few days to relax.

Jim looked at his engagement ring for what had to be the millionth time. It was a simple gold band, with a single, small diamond for the jewel. Len had told him the story, how David had worked endlessly to buy the ring. It had been bought with hard work and love, and Jim would cherish it forever. "Hey, Len?"

No answer. Jim looked over and found Len's head tipped back, completely conked. Jim shook his head, and rested a hand on Len's shoulder. "Hey, sleepy. We should get to bed."

Len's eyes fluttered open, and he focused on Jim. "Oh. Guess I'm done for, huh?"

"We're both done for," Jim snorted. He hauled Len to his feet, and walked him down the hall. He laughed as he glanced between the two rooms. "I think we need to do some furniture rearrangement."

Len's head dipped down against Jim's shoulder. "T'morrow. Let's go to your bed; I've missed your bed."

Jim laced their fingers together, and pulled them in.

~*~*~*~*~

Hikaru had just opened the shop five minutes prior, and was heading into the back to get a till for the register when the door opened. "Are you serious..." He muttered. He knew people needed their coffee, but give a guy a minute -

Len was standing there, a smile on his face. For a second, Hikaru just looked. He'd known Len and Jim were home, but thought for sure they'd be zonked for a couple days. Len looked different, too, in several ways. "Len!"

Len laughed when Hikaru made no advancement. "Um, how 'bout a hug? Haven't seen you in, what, months?"

Hikaru shook his head apologetically and rushed over, embracing the taller man. "Jeez, Len, I missed you. You look great by the way," he laughed. "I mean," he pulled back, and clapped Len's shoulder. "How are you? How was everything?"

Len's face sobered a bit, and he nodded. "Yeah, good. Seeing my Dad was great, my Mom's doin' okay. The funeral was...nice."

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

Len half-shrugged. "I mean, gettin' back to work will be good. Keep my mind on moving forward."

Hikaru hesitated. "I'll...put you on the schedule next week, since I have this one all set. I want to you take a little more time off," he added gently. "I know this isn't an instant recovery, but...just a little time before you're on your feet again. Deal?"

Len took a deep inhale, then pushed it out. He supposed Hikaru was right, and knew Jim would be mad if he started working now. If he was being completely honest, he knew he'd be exhausted before his first shift was out. "Okay. Thanks, Karu, I appreciate it. So, how are you and Pavel doing?"

Hikaru flashed a smile. "Great! I wish he was here, he's been dying to see you - I told him you were in, but not to expect a visit."

Len snapped his fingers regretfully. "Damn. Well, when does he work next?"

"Sunday, if you want to come around."

Len smiled and nodded. "Right, then. Don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise!"

Hikaru laughed, and patted Leonard's back as they turned towards the door. "I won't. It's good seeing you, Len, I really missed you."

"Missed you, too, Karu." Len waved a final goodbye, then turned down the street. It was a nice morning, for the first week of December.

~*~*~*~*~

"Len!"

Len had barely taken two steps into his apartment when Gaila and Carol's door lurched open, and a mass of red hair attacked him. "Oomph! Gaila - "

"Jeez! You could have called us last night!" Gaila pouted, tears in her eyes. "Don't you know how much I've missed you two?!"

Len bit his lip, pulling her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, honey. Gaila, it was so early, we just didn't want to - "

"We know," Carol appeared, sighing in exasperation. "Gaila shot up in bed like a puppy when she heard your door unlock. I told her she was forbidden to head over - you had to have been exhausted."

Len gave a guilty laugh. "Yeah, we really were. I was just planning on getting Jim and coming over later, but," he shrugged. "Sorry you've had to wait."

Gaila sighed, and rested her head against Len's chest. "You're forgiven. Are you okay? How was being home?"

Len ran a hand through his hair. He hated to admit it, but reliving this experience by continually talking about it was exhausting. "Um, it was nice. I mean, seeing the folks, the funeral..." He choked on the word. Sudden emotion caused him to duck his gaze, and his lips pursed.

"Len," Gaila murmured, reaching out. "I'm sorry - "

"No, no," Len sighed. "It just kind of hits me, like, out of nowhere." He heaved a deep sigh, and after a moment was able to recover. "I'll be okay. I think I just need a little time. We need to go out to lunch, though, get caught up."

Carol patted Len's shoulder. "No rush, okay? We're here for whenever you need us - that goes for Jim, too. Is he still asleep?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Len smiled. "He's exhausted as I am. Um, thanks, you two. I'll see you later?"

The girls nodded, and waved goodbye as Len stepped into his apartment. He closed the door, and took a breath. He didn't want to be at a point where he just lost it; he really did need time. He headed back down the hall and into Jim's room, finding him snuggled deeply under his covers. Practically all that was seen was his flyaway blonde hair, and Len didn't want to disturb him. He turned around and stepped into his room.

It was like his first week here, when all the same furniture had been in a different place than where he'd grown up. He'd felt so home at home, and now he had to get used to this city life again. He eased down onto his bed, pulled the covers aside, and lay back. It wasn't long before he was out.

~*~*~*~*~

Jim was munching tiredly on a peanut butter banana sandwich when Len trudged into the kitchen. They locked gazes, saw the fatigue in each other, and laughed roughly. Jim set down his sandwich and wandered closer, rubbing his hands over Len's waist. "Evening."

"We slept the damn day away, didn't we? God..." Len's head dropped onto Jim's shoulder. "Sorry I went to my bed, you looked so tucked in I couldn't bother ya."

Jim pressed his lips against Len's neck. "I wouldn't have minded, I was in another universe," he chuckled. "You hungry?"

"Not really. I'd like to go over to catch up with Gaila and Carol, if we could," Len bit his lip. "They kind of ran into me when I came back this morning. Gaila was pretty upset we didn't call her to come get picked up."

"In the dead of night?" Jim's brows raised.

"That's basically what I told her, too - I didn't want us to bother them. Now that we're both awake, we should go over and see them." Len watched Jim look sadly at his sandwich, and laughed. "You can take that with you Jim."

Gaila all but pulled the two boys in at the sight of them. "You're here! Finally you're awake, I've been dying to see you! Jim!" Gaila launched over to him, and he had to give her a one-armed hug from the sandwich still being in hand.

"I missed you, too, Gaila," Jim wheezed a laugh.

Carol walked in from the kitchen, and was walking over to greet Jim when she saw his left hand, settled on Gaila's back. "Jim, what's that you've got?"

Jim and Gaila pulled apart, both looking confused until Carol pointed to the ring. Jim looked down, and gave a short laugh. "Oh! Um, right, yeah," he looked at Len, who smiled shyly at him. "We're engaged." He held up the ring, and Gaila shrieked.

"Oh my GOD, Jim, Len! You're engaged - you're gonna - oh, my GOD!"

Len laughed as he was embraced again, and he was glad the tears in Gaila's eyes were of happiness this time. "Yep, we're gettin' hitched."

Carol laughed wryly. "You are so old-fashioned, I love it. Let's see the ring, then?" She eyed it as Jim's palm rested in hers. "Wow, it's beautiful. Not modern, so is it...?

"It's my mama's," Len murmured. "My Dad gave it to me one night. He didn't know if Jim was gonna be the one, but he wanted me to give it to someone who'd be deserving of it."

"Well, you definitely found him," Gaila replied emotionally. She hugged Jim again. "I'm so happy for the both of you, I can't even believe it! Have you set a day? Do you need help with anything?"

"Er - " Jim stammered.

"Yeah, uh," Len laughed. "We're still figurin' that out. Tryin' to get back into the swing of things, that's all. You two will be the first to know about the date, and I'm sure we'll need your help with a lot of things."

"Absolutely!"

Carol invited them all to sit. "I'd offer food, but it looks like Jim is set," she laughed. "You okay, Len?"

"Yeah, I'm not really hungry," Len sat in the sofa chair and eased back, and was caught by surprise when Jim decided to sit in his lap. "Really? You just gonna make yourself at home, there?"

"What? " Jim grinned. "The girls get to snuggle together, see?"

Carol had Gaila tucked under her arm, and the girls laughed. "You shouldn't crush your fiance with your big butt, Jim," Gaila giggled.

Jim pulled an offended look. "My butt isn't big!"

Len just laughed and listened to the two banter for a while. He caught Carol looking at him and he winked at her. It was really good to be home.


	27. "Girl" Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len's body is going through unexpected changes, and an old "visitor" returns with a painful vengeance.

Over the next week, Len was able to get back to work. Pavel couldn't stop hanging around him, he'd missed Len incredibly. Hikaru teased that he was getting jealous, but he knew it was just how Pavel was. Their younger coworker, Jade, was just as happy to see him. 

The first Friday Len was back, he came into work with a stomach ache. It wasn't serious, but he'd been grumpy and tired the last couple of days, and Jim had to suffer for it. Hikaru noticed, but Len waved it off as the random waves of grieving he was still going through. Unfortunately, by the time the lunch rush had calmed, Len was ready to lay down and die. He leaned forward onto the counter and moaned into his folded arms. "Fuccckk..."

Jade was with him today, and rubbed his back. "You could probably go home, Karu would let you..."

After a moment, Len pulled himself up. "I think I just need to take a break really quick."

"I'll watch the counter for you!" Jade smiled, and patted his back again.

"Thanks, Jade. I won't be long, just a few minutes."

He also had to use the bathroom, so he stepped into the men's room and into a stall. He tugged his pants and boxers down, his _white_ boxers, and froze as he sat. "Ohh, shit."

He should have recognized that his stomach aches were cramps. That his moodiness was more irritation than depression. That because he'd been off of his shots for over two months, he should have expected this. "Dammit!" He groaned, and wiped himself down. He stuck toilet paper against his boxers, since it was all he had.

After thinking about how screwed he was going to be the next three hours, he realized something. Jade knew he was trans, and had even helped him once with this exact situation. He walked back up to the front and had to wait for her to finish handing out a drink to a customer. "Jade," he cleared his throat. "C'mere a sec, if you could?"

Jade nodded and headed over. "What's up?"

"Um," Len glanced around. A couple of people were sitting at tables, so he motioned her through the door to the break room. "Uh, I hate to ask, but do you have some, uh, stuff?"

"..Stuff? Like...oh. Oh!" She realized, then frowned. "But you don't have them anymore, do you?"

Len sighed. "When I went home, I wasn't on T. I've been meaning to call Doctor Scott to get my appointments rescheduled, but I haven't."

"Ahh," she winced. "I gotcha." She walked over to her purse on the coat rack and rummaged through it. "I might have one...ah-ha!" She pulled out the light-colored square, and passed it over. "Sorry, it's the last one! I'll bring more tomorrow, okay?"

"Oh, you don't have to..."

"I always have, like, a bazillion at my house," she laughed. She had four sisters, after all, this stuff was important.

Len pocketed the pad and nodded. "Thanks, I owe you one."

She shook her head as she headed to the door. "Not at all! Drink lots of water, though!" She reminded.

Not that Len didn't already, but it was nice to know that someone understood. He hurried back into the bathroom, situated himself, and grabbed a cup of water from the break room before returning to work.

By the time he got home, he was miserable. He went straight for the medicine cabinet, took some pain relievers, and got into his most comfortable clothes. He brought out the heating pad from the laundry room, plugged it into the outlet by the couch, and flopped down. He lay there a few minutes until the pain had passed, then picked up his phone. He found Scotty's number and hit dial, and waited.

"Monty here," Scotty answered after a couple rings.

"Scotty, it's Len."

"Len! Oh, lad, how are ya? I was wonderin' when I'd hear your wonderful voice again!"

Len chuckled. "Yeah, sorry, it's been a rough landing, so to speak. Um, I need to schedule my appointments, like, asap."

"Oh, sure, sure. I'd like to get you in for a physical first, but after that we can start you on a light dosage. How ya been, laddie?"

"I've been good," Len replied, and left it at that. Scotty seemed to understand, and hummed in response.

"I gotcha. Look, I'd rather catch up with you when you come to see me. How does Tuesday sound?"

"Sounds great, doc," Len smiled. "What time?"

"Ten in the morning?"

"Okay. Well, I'll let you go, then."

After Len hung up, he curled up in a ball and groaned through another cramp. He finally decided to distract himself and watch television for a while. He was starting to doze off an hour later when the door opened. Jim walked in, whistling a happy tune, and Len turned his head slightly. Jim had been nothing but patient with him, and he felt guilty. "Hey."

"Hey!" Jim smiled, but paused. "You...okay?"

"Yeah," Len sighed. "Let's just say I need to get back on T, pronto."

Jim tipped his head curiously, then he realized what was going on. "Oh," he simply said. He moved over to where Len's feet lay, and nudged them lightly. "Sit up a sec."

Len frowned - why was Jim making him move? - but he complied. Jim sat and stretched one leg across the length of the couch, and let the drape off the edge. Then he patted his chest. "Lay back against me." He pulled Len into his arms, and his hands slipped down to massage his stomach lightly.

Len raised a brow. "...This isn't totally weird for you?"

"What? No, you're my boyfriend," Jim laughed.

"No, I mean, y'know. I've never had to worry about this because by the time we were living together, my...period had stopped."

"Yeah, I know. But I did live with Gaila forever, and I got used to it every month," he laughed again. "I'm not weirded out."

" _I_ am," Len muttered. "I guess who isn't who has it, but..." He winced and swallowed against a wave of nausea. 

"...It was probably hard for you, going through it growing up."

Jim's fingers weren't getting rid of all the pain, but his hands were causing a comforting heat over Len's stomach. "Yeah, it kind of was. Thanks, Jim," he sighed, and he closed his eyes.

Jim kissed the top of his head. "Of course. You should go to sleep early, probably take a bath beforehand."

"Hm," Len mumbled. He didn't want to leave Jim's arms, and was immensely relieved that Jim had responded like this. "You're always good to me, Jim," he looked up.

Jim grinned down at him. "Because I love you, duh."

~*~*~*~*~

Scotty brought Len into a tight hug when he walked into Len's room. "Leonard! My God, I feel like it's been an eternity!"

"I feel the same," Len laughed. "You look good Scotty, really good. You lost weight!"

Scotty rolled his eyes and patted his stomach, which had actually gotten a little round over the holidays. "Aye, just a pound or ten. You know I never stand a chance with the Misses cookin'. You look like you belong in a football team!"

Len snorted. "Not even, Scotty. I helped my Mom a lot on our property. I was thinking of joining the gym so I don't get soft again - I was so out of shape."

"Well, have a seat and I'll check you over."

Len got his basics checked out, and once that was done, he had to answer a few questions. Scotty asked if there had been any changes he'd noticed or felt. He first explained the "visitor" he'd received, which was now over, thankfully. There was another problem he'd experienced the last couple days, and was embarrassed to say it. "Um, I've also noticed that I'm not...y'know, ever in the mood?"

"When was the last time you had sex?"

"Oh, almost a month. I..." He sighed. "Jim is really patient about it, but I know he wants to be close. I just don't feel it."

"Okay," Scotty nodded. "What else have you felt has changed?"

Len thought about it. "I know that I've been grievin', and all. It's like, I know my Daddy's in a better place, I feel peace when I think about it. Yet, I've been super, ridiculously emotional lately."

"Like anything can set you off?"

"Oh, yeah. Last night Jim and I were watching t.v., and some commercial made me cry," Len shook his head. "I just feel like a wreck."

Scotty's head dipped again, and he was quiet a moment. "Leonard, I'm here to tell you that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. What you've been through, it's natural to cry and have moments where the tears come out of nowhere. Is your appetite down, too?"

"Yeah. I just don't eat that much, even when I want to."

"Something traumatic as a deeply personal loss will do that to you," Scotty looked at him seriously. "Perhaps you don't notice it most days, but your body certainly does. It does a better job of telling us when to slow down than our minds do. The brain just doesn't understand those kinds of limitations, laddie."

Len knew that was true, and nodded. 

"Also," Scotty waggled a finger, "the fact that you've been off T attributes to these changes. Your body has been used to a certain dosage, and now there's less of it running around in your system. Your cycle has started again, and many people have related not being on T to feeling more emotional. Sensitive. Not everyone, but I've heard enough cases to believe it could be a reaction."

Len nodded again; it seemed to make sense. Still, he didn't like feeling this way. "What can I do?"

"Well, it's different for everyone. For your grieving, do the things that make you the happiest, no matter what they are. I know it's not perfect, and we all have ups and downs, but there's always something that can be done. You do have many people who love you, Len. And many supporters," he motioned to himself, and smiled.

"Shit," Len sniffled. "Don't go bein' so serious, I told you, I'm a wreck."

Scotty reached out and clasped Len's shoulder. "But you're doin' just fine, Len. Don't forget that, now. As for the rest, we'll get you back on track with your shots. If you'd like, you've been taking them long enough that you could do the injections at home."

"Oh, I dunno..." Len started.

"Just a suggestion, no pressure. I'm always happy to see you when you come in for them anyhow," Scotty smiled. 

After the appointment, Len scheduled his next one to resume his T-shots. He honestly knew that was the first step into feeling better, and couldn't wait to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter wasn't too awkward for some, but hey, it happens. I was looking up changes people go through when they stop T, and menstrual cycles and being more emotional were very common. Like Scotty said, everyone is different, this was just specific to Len. 
> 
> I'm just glad that Jim was understanding about it and comforted Len, rather than give in to being grossed out.
> 
> I hope the chapter title is acceptable. I put the "girl" in quotations, because not everyone who identifies as only a girl goes through this. If anyone has an issue, please feel free to let me know :)


	28. The Swing of Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Len make the announcement to their primary friends and family, and Len goes back on hormones.

Soon, all the primary people had been told about the engagement. Hikaru and Pavel congratulated Leonard, and Hikaru offered to make fresh pastries for a side at the reception. "I mean, i-if you'd like," he began.

Leonard grinned and nodded. "We'd be happy to have you make some, Karu, please."

At school, Jim found a couple of potential people who were taking their photography class. He got their information and promised to let them know as soon as a date was set. When he called his mother, he asked if Chris was there, too.

_"He's here, Jim."_

"Put me on speaker, Mom," Jim grinned. Once she confirmed he was, he made his announcement. "When I was with Len in Georgia, he proposed to me. We're getting - "

_"MARRIED! Chris, they're getting married! Oh, my God, Jim! Congrats, kid!"_

_"When's the date, so we know when to come up?"_ Chris called out.

"Uhh," Jim laughed. "We don't know yet. I'll call you as soon as I can about it. We're still announcing it."

Leonard realized he hadn't told Scotty about it his last visit, so when he came in for his first shot, he told the doctor about it. "Leonard, congrats! I hope to get an invitation?" He looked over hopefully.

Len laughed and nodded. "Of course you do! We don't know the date yet," he added, before Scotty could ask. "I will let you know when it is, though. We're just taking things slow, one step at a time."

"Aye, I understand that, lad. Well, if ye'd like, my wife is a baker. I don't know what options you're looking for in a cake, but she bakes professionally."

Len's brows raised. "How did I not know this?"

Scotty laughed loud and patted his stomach. "I'm really not sure how ya missed it! Just let me know, all right?"

"I will," Len nodded. He let Scotty give him his shot after, and left the doctor's office in a happy mood.

When he returned home, he was alone. He decided to call his mother and talk for a bit, as he had been almost every day. He couldn't stand the thought that she was by herself in that house, but she did her best to convince him it was all right.

 _"I got a job, so you don't have to worry about me,"_ she announced.

"Wow, that's great, Mom! What are you doing?"

_"I'm lookin' after a couple of twins, sweet three-year-old boys! Their mama works late at a restaurant - she was posting an ad when I was grocery shopping."_

Leonard laughed. "Oh, great. Now all you're gonna want are grandkids, right?"

 _"Well,"_ she replied, a smile in her voice. _"In your own time, if you and Jim ever decide that you want to. I promise I won't say a word honey, but the second you do want kids, look out! I'm gonna spoil them rotten!"_

Len had never even thought about kids. It warmed his heart to think of his mom caring for and loving a little grandbaby. He didn't even know if it was possible, really; they had to tackle the marriage license first. He suddenly was lost in thought when his mother called out to him. "Sorry? What, Ma?"

 _"I asked how you were doing,"_ she repeated softly.

"Oh, I'm...better, actually. More'n I thought I'd be, so that's good. How are you?"

 _"...A little sad today, but I'll make it. I'm just happy for you, baby,"_ she cleared her throat. _"Sorry, not gonna cry, I swear."_

"You don't swear, Mom," Len teased lightly, and that made her laugh. "I love you."

_"Love you, too, darlin'. Love your calls, honey, it's good hearin' your voice."_

Len hung up after a final goodbye. He lay on the couch for a few minutes, then decided to get some work done. He spent the rest of the afternoon jotting down notes in the booklet he and Jim were writing in for the wedding. From locations to people offering to help, it was all coming together. He was still jotting things down when Jim came home, looking beat. "Hey," Len smiled.

"Hey," Jim breathed, shrugging out of his coat. He toed out of his shoes and immediately crossed over to Len, and flopped down. Len let Jim rest his head in his lap, and he stroked the blonde's hair. "What a day..."

"It's over, though," Len smiled down at him. "You want me to draw you a bath?"

"That sounds great. You want to join me?"

Len thought about what he'd told Scotty. Normally a bath was the perfect way to get them both in the mood. The idea just didn't call to him, and he hated it. Jim must have seen it on his face, because he shook his head. "It's okay, Len. You don't have to."

"Jim, I feel bad. I just don't know what's wrong with me..."

Jim sat up and kissed Len's cheek. "Nothing is wrong with you. You're just not in the mood."

"Let me still start a bath for you," Len offered, "it's the least I can do. I need a break from _this_ anyhow."

Jim looked down at the book, recognized it immediately, and grinned. He noticed the added notes, and the grin widened. "Doctor Scott's wife is a baker? Sweet! See what I did there?" He winked.

"I see what'cha did there," Len rolled his eyes and smiled. He knew Jim was trying to keep his mood cheerful. "I thought we could go see her sometime. I trust Scotty, so I think she'll be perfect for us."

"I think so, too. I was looking over Randall's photography pictures, and they're really good. What do you think about engagement pics?"

Len hummed in thought, and rested his head on Jim's shoulder. He linked their fingers together, and looked at Jim's ring. "Sounds great to me."

Later that night, after they'd both bathed, Len followed Jim to his room. He was torn some nights between his own bed, having not slept in it for so long, or being nestled in Jim's arms. Those nights he was hopeful they could rekindle their passion, but he always felt burned out before it could even flicker. Still, Jim eased the covers over them, pulled Len close, and kissed him goodnight.

~*~*~*~*~

It finally hit after a week of shots.

Len noticed after he'd showered and was getting dressed into night clothes. His hands slid over his body as he tugged his night shirt down, and over his hips as his shorts went on. He just felt sensitive, needy for touch. He didn't want to rush anything, but perhaps they'd get somewhere tonight. He joined Jim in the kitchen, who was popping popcorn. Other snacks for thee movie night they'd planned lay on the counter; Len popped a skittle into his mouth.

"What are we watching tonight?" He asked, rolling the sweet around.

"Well, I was torn between rom-com or action. What do you think?"

Len thought about it. "Rom-com," he murmured. He picked up the treat bowls, smiled at Jim, and walked into the living room. He set the DVD into the player and pulled out the blankets, then cuddled down next to Jim to enjoy the movie. It was one they'd seen a hundred times, one they didn't really have to watch to enjoy. They were a quarter of the way in when Len decided to make a move.

He looked up at Jim, and pressed his lips to Jim's neck. His hand slipped down under the blanket and trailed up and down Jim's thigh. Jim responded immediately, leaning into the touch, his lips meeting Len's. It was a slow kiss, sweet from the snacks they'd already had. It shifted into another and then into a familiar dance. Len's fingers slipped past the waistband of Jim's shorts, and he palmed Jim through his boxers.

Jim groaned against it, guiding Len's hand into a rhythm he needed. Soon his cock strained against the fabric, and he tugged them aside to free it. The dry heat of Len's strokes brought a moan from him, and he licked out to meet Len's tongue. "Fuck. You want to...?"

"Yeah, Jim. I've been goin' mad without ya," Len mumbled into the kiss. "M'sorry..."

Jim shook his head. He took Len's hand and pulled him up, and led the way to his room. "I'm pretty sure I have some - "

"Jim," Len stopped. He motioned to his room when Jim looked at him. "We haven't christened my bed yet," he blushed.

"Wow. You're right, we haven't. Okay, go on in, get relaxed, I'll be right back," Jim kissed him once, then disappeared into his room. Len stepped into his room and eased back onto his bed, eyes on the ceiling. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to keep his nerves at bay. This was still new to him, and it had been a while. He was brought from thought when the bed dipped, and Jim was hovering over him. "Hey. You okay?"

Len nodded and smiled, and pulled Jim down. Jim set the lube bottle on the side dresser, and tucked into Len's arms. They went slow, sharing intimate kisses and soft touches. Jim's hips bumped against Len's in just the right way, and soon he couldn't help the moans leaving him. "Jim, darlin', want you now..."

Jim pressed a kiss to his neck before easing up. He slid his shirt off and tossed it, and let Len do the same. The rest of their clothes ended up thrown carelessly, and they were eager to press together again. Jim's hand slipped down between Len's legs, and he slowly eased one finger up into him. He clenched around Jim's touch and gasped, and he reached up to grip Jim's shoulders. He lost it when Jim's thumb brushed against his length, and tossed his hips upward.

"Easy," Jim smiled, and stilled Len's hips. Len was wet to his touch now, open and ready for him. He sucked one nipple lightly, tongue rolling over it carefully. Len's fingers tangled into his hair and raked through his locks, and Jim sighed from it. He finally had to scramble for the lube, popped the cap, and slicked himself up carefully. Then he hovered over Len and eased into his arms again. Jim hesitated, brushing his thumb over Len's cheek, and Len nodded.

Len tensed briefly at being stretched full, then sighed deeply as he adjusted to Jim's girth. "God," he grunted happily. His eyes rolled shut as Jim thrust deeply into him, heart pounding madly. His mouth fell slack as Jim hit his spot, and a staggering groan scraped his throat. He gripped Jim's shoulder with one hand, stroking himself with his other. "Fast, babe, please..."

Jim gave him a heated kiss and complied, already feeling close. "Len," he panted, "gonna come, m'close..."

Len nodded and held him close, and not long after Jim was crying his name through his release. Their eyes met and Jim's were nearly black, only a ring of blue shining in the moonlight. Len clenched around him and felt heat wash over at last, and then he was muttering Jim's name in a string of praises. They lay panting and sweating, limbs tangled and breath sawing through them.

Jim finally collapsed at his side and pulled him close, peppering his neck and collar with kisses. "Love you. Love you so much, Len."

Len cupped his hand over Jim's and felt the bump of the ring on his finger. "Love you, too. God, to the moon and back, Jim." He huffed a tired laugh, and nestled close to his soon-to-be husband.


	29. Baby Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and Jim take engagement pictures, and visit Spock and Nyota as the end of her pregnancy nears.

Three months into the new year, the wedding had a date, and everyone who planned to help had stuck by their word. Scotty's wife had showed them the cake planned, one in their budget and just perfect. 

Randall, the photographer, had been paid to do engagement pictures. It ended up being a little cold that day, so Jim dressed in a flannel shirt and zip up vest-jacket. Leonard, being a little less thick-skinned, dressed in a warm, grey cotton sweater, over his two tee-shirts. They both wore their nicest jeans, and Len had to chuckle at Jim's brown boots as opposed to his black dress loafers.

Gaila drove them to the site, a park close to Randall's house, serene and perfect for the shoot. "Text me when you're all finished! Have fun!"

"Thanks, Gaila," Len waved to her, and immediately laced his fingers in with Jim's as they walked across the bridge. "You're so warm, I don't get it."

Jim chuckled and shifted to wrap one arm around him. "Lucky, I guess. Your feet are always freezing," he laughed. Then he leaned in and graced a kiss over Len's nose. "And your cute nose."

Len covered his - yes, cold - nose over his sweater sleeve. "My nose isn't cute. I have huge nostrils."

"Well, I have a big forehead, so what? We both look good today, and we're getting married, hello!"

Two weeks. Len sighed contently and nestled close to Jim. "Gettin' married. It's still surreal."

They met Randall by the gazebo, and after light chat, the photographer set them up with some warm up pictures. Jim was a little more natural in front of the camera, and had Len relaxed and laughing midway through. "Good!" Randall directed. "Okay, why don't we head down the path over there? There are some stones set into I think would be great."

Jim and Len walked hand-in-hand. The sun wasn't quite out, still, the sky a little overcast, and Len shivered. "Hope it doesn't rain."

"Rain is so romantic," Jim murmured. He winked and pressed a light kiss to Len's neck.

"Jim..."

"That's perfect! Jim, stand opposite Len, guys if you could hold hands, and give the camera a sweet kiss." Randall laughed and poised his camera.

Jim giggled at Len's blush, and pecked his lips. "Just look at me, not the camera."

Len bit his lip, then huffed a sigh and nodded. He leaned in slowly, and his lips met Jim. He didn't know what it was about Jim, but all his nervousness melted in an instant. He wanted to reach up to wrap his arms around him, but their hands stayed locked together between them. He thought he heard Randall's voice, but it wasn't until Jim was pulling away that Len opened his eyes.

"Perfect," Randall walked up to them. "Why don't we look through these now, and I'll get them printed? We can do an album just for you two, and a set for the invitations."

They sat huddled under the gazebo again, and by then it had finally started to rain. Len huddled close and shivered lightly, trying not to grump about the cold. He was secretly relieved that the kiss shot was only from the neck down, as he was sure he and Jim had been giving some pretty decent tongue. That one was the perfect shot for the invitation, they both decided.

Randall cleaned out unwanted shots, and since he'd already been paid, thanked them and promised to give the pictures to Jim when they met at the school. "I'd, uh, give you a ride back, if I didn't just have my bike," he grinned apologetically.

Jim shook his head and rubbed warmth into Len's arm. "Nah, I just sent a text to our friend. She's on her way now. I'll see you on Monday, then?"

"Monday, it is."

While they waited, they huddled down on the wide bench under their shelter. Jim sat close to Len, playing with his fingers with one hand, other arm wrapped around him. "You're still cold."

Len shook his head. "Well, sort of, but I'm just...excited. I mean, we're getting married, Jim. I just never thought that I'd ever find someone I'd wanna marry. Who'd wanna marry _me_ , y'know?"

Jim just nodded. He meant to say something, but at that second, he just felt there wasn't any need. He was going to marry his best friend, it wasn't just a cliche some people said. Or, if it was, Jim was happy to be a part of it. "Love you."

"Love you, too."

They ended up watching the rain together until Gaila showed up. They didn't hear her approach, but when she knocked on the wood pallet they turned and broke out of their daze. She stood there under her umbrella, utterly amused at the sight. "What is this, Pride and Prejudice? How frickin' adorable are you two right now?"

Jim smiled and nuzzled Len's cheek. "Damn right. Cutest couple ever right here."

"How'd the pictures turn out?"

"Well, I got Len to kiss me in front of the camera," Jim replied brightly.

Len rolled his eyes as they both stood. "What he means is, great, and we should have them on Monday."

Gaila made an excited sound and clapped, then let the two sandwich her under the wide umbrella. "Are you so excited? Nervous? Scared?"

"All of the above," Jim answered, and Len laughed. "Two weeks, and we're there. It's totally crazy."

"I'll bet!" Gaila grinned at both of them. "Oh, Carol was wondering who you're best men are going to be! We don't remember if you said who you were going to give that title to."

Jim and Len stopped nearly dead, and sort of got tangled under the umbrella as Gaila continued her stride. Once everyone's hair was securely out of the umbrella's skeleton, the two men shared a laugh. So they hadn't planned everything just yet. "I think I'll have to ask Chris," Jim suggested.

"I...maybe Scotty?" Len thought.

Gaila groaned and covered her face. "Okay, you both need to sit down with Carol and I, so we can make sure all the details are in place."

Once they got to the car, where Carol was waiting in the passenger seat, the talk on the way home consisted of question and answer about the wedding. Len had the notebook with him anymore, so he jotted furiously as he added new details. Jim watched on in entertainment, falling more in love with his husband-to-be every second.

~*~*~*~*~

Three days after doing the engagement photos, Len and Jim got some unexpected news. Nyota had gone into a too-early labor, by two months.

The labor had been stopped, thankfully, and now Nyota was home on bed rest. Len made the call that he and Jim were coming over, and once there, Spock greeted them at the door. "Hello, Jim, Leonard."

He looked stressed, under that cool composure. He stepped aside for them, and they toed out of their shoes before stepping onto the carpet. "How have you two been?"

Jim reached out and gripped Spock's shoulder, smiling softly. "We've been good. We're here for you, you know."

"Seriously," Len added. "Anything you need, and we're on it."

"...Thank you," Spock replied gratefully, a sigh in his voice. "For the time being, Nyota is resting, and that's what is important. She's awake, if you'd like to see her."

They definitely did. They hadn't really seen Nyota since before the new year and were eager to now. They followed Spock back, where he knocked on the door and stepped inside. They were sure Nyota probably didn't feel up to seeing people, but eventually Spock waved them in. Len was ahead of Jim, and stepped over to Nyota's bed. She patted next to her, and he sat down. "Hey, Ny. You doing okay?"

She gave a tired smile. "I'm so bored, you have no idea. The kid and I have been grounded, and he's not even out yet!"

Len laughed and brushed his palm over her cheek. "You look beautiful. Beautiful mother already, y'know. Little guy's just excited to see ya."

She closed her eyes briefly and nodded. "It sucks because I'm laying here, and I keep getting a knot in the back of my hair. I'm getting tired of combing it, but it hurts to sit up."

"I could braid it for you," Len offered. At her raised brow, he laughed. "Trust me, I have mad braiding skills."

Jim stood back with Spock, and nudged him with his elbow. "Hey, let's go talk for a bit?"

Spock looked between his friend, and then Nyota. After she gave an encouraging nod, he led Jim to the balcony leading through the bedroom. The sun was shining today, so the two leaned out a little to soak it up. Spock was quiet, hands clasped together. Jim looked at him a moment, then clapped his shoulder. "Everything's going to be okay."

Dark eyes glanced at him. "It seems the tables have turned, Jim. I am in your place now, of nervousness and uncertainty."

"Were you afraid?" Jim asked softly.

"I...was concerned for Nyota's well-being, should anything unfortunate happen. I admit to thinking of things that didn't happen, but were plausible. The baby is small, even now. He will be premature, I have no doubt."

"That doesn't mean anything bad, though. It just means he has an early start, and he's going to be one hell of a kid. I mean, look at his parents," Jim smiled, and it was gently returned. "We'll be here for you, no matter what."

Spock nodded, but he sighed quietly and looked out to the street below. He felt Jim wrap an arm around his shoulder, and looked over. "You think she'll be well?"

"I think they both will be. You know, my mom told me I was early, too. She said that when I was born, I came out kicking and screaming, determined to take the world on no matter what. I didn't always have someone around to remind me of that, so it's still taking me some time. Your kid has you and Nyota, though. Who better parents than to raise a kid, than you two? Two smartest people I know, honestly."

Spock straightened up, his hand briefly settling over Jim's in thanks. "Have you and Len thought about children?"

"...Er, we're not quite yet, there, I think," Jim laughed. Honestly, the idea scared the hell out of him, and he didn't know if he was ready. He and Len hadn't talked about it much, and they were still trying to tie the knot. "Maybe someday. For now, I'm just enjoying being in love with my best friend."

Spock looked a little wistful at that. "Sometimes, I wonder if Nyota and I rushed into this. We were both out of school, but our relationship turned so fast, it was...difficult to catch up. I believe that you and Len have something we've not quite acquired yet."

Jim frowned and shook his head. "What, love? Look, it doesn't take much to make a kid, but having the guts to raise one with someone? That's love, my friend. Look, I grew up without a dad, and my mom was away a lot of the time. You two already understand what dedication is; you're not going to fail at this."

Spock looked over his shoulder at Nyota, who was laughing with Len as he twisted her locks into a pretty braid. "I do love her. She is everything I'm not."

Jim opened his mouth to argue, that Spock had everything, but he stopped. Wasn't Len everything Jim wasn't? Hadn't Leonard McCoy changed his entire life in the matter of almost three years? He looked at his fiance and his heart beat unevenly. He could imagine Len being such a good parent, with how loving and tender he was. He could give a child everything Jim wouldn't know how, and teach Jim along the way. "Holy shit," he whispered.

"Pardon, Jim?"

"...No, sorry, Spock. Just thinking. Look, I really want you to know, it'll be okay. There's always something better to focus on, I heard a friend once say," he winked Spock's lips upturned.

Len and Jim spent another hour with them, but Nyota was falling asleep and it was decided to call it a visit. Spock thanked them both at the door, and Len and Jim began their decent down in the elevator. Jim was quiet, his mind still on the previous conversation. Len noticed and nudged him. "Hey. You okay?"

Jim nodded absently. "Len? Got a question for you..."

"Sure."

"...How do you feel about kids?"

Len's heart nearly stopped in his chest. Here he'd been working up the courage to ask Jim, and Jim was the one bringing it up. "Wow. I, uh, was planning on asking you, one day. I-I mean, yeah, someday, Jim."

Jim smiled in relief. "Yeah?"

Len nodded and hugged him. They stumbled lightly as the elevator lulled to a stop, and broke apart to step out. Once back out in the sun, Len linked hands with Jim. "We'll talk about this more at home, how 'bout that?"

"Sounds like a fantastic idea," Jim replied, and rested his head against Len's shoulder as they walked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gave me such happy feels!! Except, the part with Spock talking about Nyota being everything he wasn't, gave me a sad one. OUCH. 
> 
> Here is the inspiration for the engagement pictures:  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/309974386828860288/
> 
> I loved the different ones I found, but this was the winner. I just imagine those two cuties are madly in love like our boys!!


	30. Three Groomsmen and A Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang all goes shopping for tuxes and dresses, with an unexpected surprise mingled into their day.

"Gaila, I have a suit..."

Gaila looked back briefly from the driver's seat. "Yes, a suit. Not a tux."

Len's brow raised and he looked at Jim. "There's a difference?"

Jim laughed and shrugged. "I guess so. I dunno, it could be fun. I mean, I don't have a suit, so this will be extra fancy."

"You have something nice for your going away clothes, don't you?" Carol looked over her shoulder. When the boys stared back, she sighed and rolled her eyes. "For the reception! For when you're headed out on your honeymoon!"

"Honeymoon?" They both laughed. They barely had enough money to get this little wedding together, let alone a getaway. Jim shook his head. "Carol, we're coming back to the apartment after the reception. Probably watch a movie, make married love..." He winked at Len, who blushed furiously.

"Dammit, Jim, they don't need to know all that..."

"Ehhh," Gaila giggled, and Carol joined her. "Sorry to say, Len, but you two aren't exactly church mice."

"You can hear us?!" Len yelped, and buried his tomato-red face into his hands.

"Mostly Jim. He makes enough noise for the both of you - "

"Okay!" Jim was now turning red, too. He laughed along with the girls, but Len just shook his head. "All right, that's enough. Now, back to these "going away" clothes. We both have something for the reception already picked out."

"And you said your bachelor party's all set?"

"Yep! Karu said he had something planned, so we have no idea what that night's going to be like," Jim laughed. he wrapped an arm around his fiance, and kissed his cheek.

They drove down to Friar Tux, where Scotty, Pavel, Hikaru, and Spock and Nyota were waiting. Nyota was finally off of bed rest, and eager to go shopping with the girls. They all hugged and greeted each other, then Carol, Nyota, and Gaila said they would meet back once the grooms-to-be had their tuxes. Scotty was Len's Best Man, and Hikaru, Spock, and Pavel were the groomsmen. Even though there would be no bride, the girls were still going to be a part of the ceremony.

Len stepped into the cool of the shop, and took a deep breath. Endless displays of tuxedos and suits surrounded them; there were so many to pick from. One of the sales associates walked right up to them, and asked what they were looking for. "Looks like a wedding, maybe?" He smiled, noticing Jim and Len holding hands.

Scotty took the lead, talking easily with the young man and explaining what they needed. "The colors, if available, are blue and peach."

"Ooh, you know, I have the perfect thing that just came in. Now, are we doing matching tuxes for you, gentlemen?"

Jim looked at Len. "Won't be a surprise if we're wearing the same thing."

Len nodded. They had decided to go with tradition, not seeing each other the night before, or day of, until the ceremony started. Len was to walk up the aisle with his mother, while Chris stood with Jim. They wanted to be surprised. "Something...similar, with those colors, maybe."

The man nodded. "Okay, why don't you follow me, and I'll have Jeremy come out and help your fiance?"

Len went with him, stepping farther back into the store with Karu and Pavel. Their guide walked them right up to the tux he'd mentioned before - a soft grey coat and pants, white shirt, with a blue tie and a peach flower pin. It was on the mannequin, but the items were hanging up or folded on display in different sizes. "What do you think?"

Len looked at it a long moment. His finger trailed over the pin, and his expression went soft. "I love this. It's perfect."

The man nodded happily. He took Len's measurements, then found the right sizes for everything, and guided them back. "So, when's the big day?"

"A month," Len realized, and his heart leaped. "Just one month."

The dressing room was large enough for the three of them to step into, with cushioned seats against the wall. Len was a little shy, but these were his friends. He stripped down to his boxers and white shirt, then started layering on the nice clothes. Pavel held the items until they were needed, and smiled up at Len. "These are nice colors for you, Len."

Len fiddled with his tie - he'd never been great at tie-tying, but he'd been practicing. Jim was even worse off; he would have to have Chris do it. He could hear Jim and Spock talking with their sales associate about the date, too, and he smiled. He flipped his color down at last, and took long stock of himself. This was it. What he'd be wearing when he made his vows to Jim.

Sudden tears stung his eyes, and he had to dig the heels of his palms against his lashes. "Dammit," he laughed. "I can't believe we're..."

Karu and Pavel shared tender looks, before standing up and each wrapping an arm around him. "It is going to be a vonderful day," Pavel murmured.

"You two make a damn perfect couple. Can't believe it's almost been three years," Karu grinned.

Len tried to answer, but all he could muster was a bubbly laugh. There was a knock on the door, followed by Scotty's voice. "Laddie? Thought I'd come check out your threads, if I may?" He opened the door for Scotty, who brightened at the sight of him.

"Well, don't you look fantastic?" Scotty murmured. He stepped in, and pulled Len carefully into his arms. "Ah, Leonard. I'm incredibly proud of you, lad."

"Couldn't have done this without you, Scotty," Len choked.

Jim, a few rooms down, could hear the emotion in Len's voice. He was half into his own tux, a dark grey, with a matching-colored vest over his white dress shirt. His tie was peach colored, but it was still draped around his neck. "Err, Spock, could you...?"

Spock's lip quirked, and he stood and nodded. He easily fastened the silk into a perfect knot, then flipped Jim's collar down. Once Jim was in his waistcoat, Spock pinned the white rose pin against his left collar. Finally he tucked the peach fabric into the breast pocket, then stepped back. "Do you have dress shoes, Jim?"

"Ehh, not new ones. You think I'll need them?"

Spock tipped his head to the side. "It is not necessary, but looks better with the rest of the outfit."

"...Okay. What is this thing?" He tugged at the thing in his breast pocket. "Why is this a thing?"

"An accessory."

"Do I need the thing?"

"Yes, Jim, you need the thing."

Jim grinned at his friend, then looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was messy today, but the rest of him looked pretty damn good. Chris and his mother would be flying out in a couple of weeks, and staying until after the wedding. Jim would have liked to have Chris here for this, but Spock was his second best. "So, how's the kiddo doing?"

"Better. We still feel that he will arrive early, and Nyota tires easily..." Spock trailed off as his phone suddenly started ringing. He looked at it, then answered it with his eyes on Jim. "Nyota?" He was quiet a moment. "Yes, I will go get the car. Right. Deep breaths."

Jim waited tensely. Spock hung up, then stood and pocketed his phone. "Is everything okay?"

Spock nodded, and took a slow inhale. "It seems I was more correct than imagined. Nyota is in labor."

Jim's eyes widened and he gasped. He ran a hand through his hair, heart beat picking up. "Okay. Ohh, shit, okay. Len?" He called.

"Yeah, Jim?"

"Nyota just called Spock - their kid is on the way!"

"Ohh, hell! Okay, let's get out of these and we can head over...shit."

Spock watched curiously as Jim got out of his tux. "Jim, the baby won't be here for hours. I believed Hikaru and Pavel were taking you out for food after this, right?"

"Well, er, yeah, but..." Jim was hopping out of his pants now.

"Jim," Spock rested a hand on his shoulder. "I will take Nyota now. Please, we would rather you have lunch, and enjoy the afternoon. It'll be a long wait for the baby."

"You are ridiculously calm for someone who's about to have their first baby."

Spock gripped his eyes, and opened the door with a wry expression. "I promise you, on the inside, I am far from calm, Jim. I'll call you in a bit."

It took everything in Len and Jim's powers to not rush out. They liked the tuxes, so the items were bagged separately, out of sight from each other. The groomsmen would be back to pick out their outfits, but for the time being, the sales associates were thanked for their help. Then men met Gaila and Carol outside the shop, who had bags covering what had to be their dresses.

"So, what's the plan?" Gaila asked hurriedly.

"Spock wants us to chill," Jim explained, trying to find the calm that his friend had expressed earlier.

"Are you joking?! Nyota's water literally broke in the bridal store! How can we chill?"

Len chuckled and wrapped an arm around her. "C'mon, sweetheart. We'll set all the clothes in the car, and if you two want to go up to the hospital, that's fine. I'm kinda hungry right now, so is Jim. Like he said, the baby's not gonna be here a while."

"We can cancel until another day," Karu piped up. "We were just planning on wings and sodas."

Len shook his head. "No, it's fine. We can grab a bite, then head up there."

In the end, Gaila and Carol decided that was the best plan. They were hungry, too, so they joined the men over at a nearby restaurant for lunch. Having food in their systems - especially for Gaila - calmed them a great deal, and they were able to celebrate both getting their outfits picked out, and for the new arrival. Len and Jim sat close, hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, occasionally sharing chaste kisses as they realized their date was getting closer.

~*~*~*~*~

Spock and Nyota's baby was born at eight o' clock that night. Len and Jim were sitting snuggled together on the long sofa in the waiting room. Gaila was next to Len, his arm around her, and Carol was resting on her other shoulder. Hikaru was reading a magazine, and Pavel was dozing in his lap. Scotty had only been able to stay for lunch, as it was his night to make dinner.

A nurse soon walked in to greet them, saying the baby boy was here.

"How's he doin'?" Len asked worriedly.

"He's a little small, but he's incredibly healthy and doing just fine. We can allow two people in at a time, so who goes first?"

Len smiled and patted Gaila's shoulder. "Oh, ladies first."

She kissed his cheek and sat up. "Thank you, Len!"

The girls were in there for a good while, but that was fine. Jim shifted Len more into his arms, swinging one of Len's legs across his lap and massaging his thigh. "Len, got a question for you?"

"Hm?" Len asked, eyes closed.

"So, about kids...would you ever want to do it through a surrogate?"

Len thought about it. They hadn't talked about it much, but he had his own opinions running around his head. "What about adoption?"

Jim looked at him. "I hadn't thought of that."

"I mean, there are so many kids out there already who don't have a place to call their own. It might be hard, it'll take a long time, I'm sure..."

Jim nodded, and rested his head against Len's. "Yeah. But we'll get there."

They went in to see the baby when Gaila and Carol had their turn. Nyota's hair was up, pushed away from her forehead, and she turned her gaze from Spock and the baby to Len and Jim. "Hey, you two. Really sorry to have run out like that..."

Jim shook his head and sat down in one of the empty seats next to her. He took her hand and squeezed lightly. "No, not even. You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Tired. But very, very happy." She looked over again at her new son.

Len took a seat next to Spock, and patted his shoulder. "How's the proud dad?"

Spock patted the bundle, and looked down at the tiny face. "Relieved that all is well. We're naming him Michael."

Len looked at the little baby and smiled. He knew if his mama was here, she'd be weeping crocodile tears. Michael had light brown skin and curly black hair, looked much like Nyota. A sudden thought crossed his mind, but he kept it to himself for now. "He's beautiful."

They each took a quick turn holding the baby, at Nyota's permission. "Gaila didn't want to let him go," she laughed. The baby slept peacefully in their arms, and remained so when he was returned to his mother.

"If there's anything we can do for you," Jim offered, "you know you can ask. We'll be here for you."

"Are you planning on moving after the wedding?"

Jim shook his head. "Not right away. If we do, we'll be staying in the area. We like it here."

She nodded. "That's great. We'll be glad to still have you around."

The two of them left after that, waiting for Hikaru and Pavel to take their turn. They waited with Carol and Gaila, who were looking at pictures they'd taken. It wasn't long before Karu and Pavel exited and joined them. "Karu didn't vant to hold the baby," Pavel pouted.

Karu laughed sheepishly. "I'm not great with kids. I just wanted to say congrats and let Pavel coddle the little guy for a minute."

"You two ever think of kids?" Len asked with a raised brow. He laughed when they shook their heads fervently. "No? You'd be great parents!"

"You two would be better," Karu sighed. "Oh, and by the way, I heard a little of your conversation in there. I think it would be great to adopt."

Jim wrapped an arm around Len's waist. "Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah. I have a friend who was adopted when he was five; it changed his life."

Len smiled at Jim. "Well, there you go, we have supporters."

"Hey, I didn't say it was a bad idea, I just hadn't thought of it! Besides, we still gotta get married, remember?"

Gaila clapped in excitement. "And we can't wait for that day! Though, yes, the idea of you two with kiddos running around - I can't wait for that, either!"

Neither could Len or Jim, they realized as they smiled at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story still exists, I promise!! It has been so busy, I am working six long days a week right now. 
> 
> MAJOR thanks to KCGirl for helping me with this, and for the next couple of chapters. We are going to see a bachelor party, meaning lots of presents and fun before the wedding! 
> 
> Here are the tuxes for our boys:  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/212443307398745045/ (Len)  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/303078249896351142/ (Jim)


	31. Bachelor Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and Jim run into minor communication problems, and learn new things about their relationship. After that, they enjoy a night of relaxation with their Bachelor Party.

The boys hit a minor road block one week before the wedding, really an inconvenient time for that to happen.

Jim tried to be patient, as he had the last time. He had a feeling that, for whatever reason, Len was struggling with something he didn't want to talk about. The problem with that, was the wedding was a little over a week away, and the bachelor party was tomorrow. Len suddenly seemed lackluster over both events.

Jim could do without the party. He would have been content signing the marriage license and heading back to the apartment once the rings were on. The wedding was important to Len - he took the notes, made the calls, and Jim helped where he could. He didn't know how to do this stuff, and if Len was getting cold feet, Jim didn't know how he would fix it.

"Len?" Jim asked that night, as he sat on the couch. Len was in the kitchen taking care of dishes, but the water stopped.

"You call, darlin'?"

Jim's heart skipped a happy beat. "Yeah. Um, come here?"

Len walked in a second later, drying his hands. The second he sat down, Jim snuggled into his arms, and conveyed with his eyes he made no plans to move. "Well, now. Y'okay?"

Jim sucked in a slow breath, then pushed it out. "I want to ask you something, and I'd like you to be honest. Please," he added softly. Len's hand moved to massage his arm, and the brunette seemed to settle back for a deep conversation.

"Okay, Jim. What's on your mind?"

"...Are you having second thoughts?" Jim finally asked. He sat up and looked at his hazel-eyed lover. The love of his life, his everything. It sounded hopelessly romantic, but it was the truth. He didn't know what he would do if his suspicions were confirmed. The shocked expression on Len's face should have been his first comfort, but he knew he wasn't totally crazy. "Honestly."

"Jim...oh, my God, where is this coming from? _You're_ not having those thoughts, are ya?" Len sank back fully against the couch, running a hand through his dark hair. It was getting a little long, his bangs always needing to be swept back.

Jim shook his head. "No! No, it's just...okay, I've just noticed that we never seem to, uh..." He waved his hands uncertainly. "Well, we've just been busy, I guess, and I'm just wondering if you're...tired? Of me?" He winced. The truth was, the spark in the bedroom was dimming to a flicker, and Jim couldn't help but wonder if it was him. 

Len seemed to realize something and his shoulders slumped. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, and sat forward. He shook his head before pulling his hands away. "Jim, it's definitely not that. I am so sorry, I just...there's something on my mind, and I guess it's been bothering me more than I thought."

Jim pushed out a sigh of relief. "Okay. So, it's not doubts about the wedding?"

"No, no! Look, it's just...really embarrassing and I thought I was over it, so I didn't mention it. Are you sure you want to talk about it?"

"Hey, I am all for talking," Jim reassured. 

Len pursed his lips, looking as embarrassed as he must have felt. He looked away and clasped his hands together. "O-Okay. Well, I had this...thought, a while ago, when we went to the hospital to meet the baby. We were talking about kids afterwards, and..." He sighed in frustration. "I had a couple of weird dreams, where I was pre-T, pre-op, and _we_ were having our first baby."

Len confessed the words in quick procession. He tensed up from it, and winced visibly. Jim was afraid to reach out to him, afraid he might shrug Jim off. "Len..." Was all he could say.

"I just...I've been really frustrated, Jim," Len looked up, and his eyes were glossed over. "My whole life, I never thought about having kids because I never identified as a woman. Yet the body given to me was female, all the hormonal changes and growing pains came with it, and I've honestly never had a moment's peace. Now, here I am, havin' dreams about babies and wishing I'd never..." He took a choking breath, and blinked away tears. "Wishing I never felt like I had to change. Wishing I'd just been born with the mind-set society tells me I should have had."

Jim suddenly felt like a complete dick. He'd started this conversation for his own needs, understanding that their sex life was the issue. Now he realized that it was so much more complicated than that, and it had nothing to do with his needs. It was about Len, and the struggles he fought on a daily basis. The ones he kept-well hidden. This wedding was probably the best distraction he had - he seemed so happy when he was planning it all. "Len, hey," Jim finally uttered. He pulled Len into his arms, and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were dealing with this, I'm so sorry..."

Len sniffled miserably, but shook his head. "No, it's...I'm not mad at you. I just thought that I was finally starting to feel confident about my body, and now I'm relapsing again. And any doubts I've had have been about myself - is this," he motioned to himself, "really what you want to be married to? An emotional mess who can't get their shit straight?"

"Hey!" Jim barked, and reached out for Len's shoulders. "Why are you talking about yourself like that? I don't see you like that, and you wouldn't like it if I talked about myself like that, would you?"

"Jim..." Len sighed.

"No, I'm serious. I know I don't understand what you're going through. I never will, and I'm sorry. But the fact of the matter is, I'm here for you and I'm never going to leave! I love you more than anyone in this entire universe, Len! Whatever it takes to keep you happy, I'm willing to do it, I'll do anything for you."

At that, Len's face scrunched up, and he rested it into Jim's chest as he broke down. "Jim, I love you," he mumbled, voice cracking. "I _am_ a mess, and you still wanna be with me. And I can't do anything to return it..."

"What? What do you mean? You help me, like, all the time, dude. Come on, tell me..." He hugged Len's broad frame and rocked him lightly.

"It's just fuckin' embarrassing, Jim!" Len moaned. He took a minute to collect himself; he needed to, because Heaven forbid he get through this wedding planning without a day of tears. "It's...I hate that you have to be the one wearing...protection."

"What?!" Jim half-laughed. He literally couldn't help it, it slipped from him before he could even control it. Then he cleared his throat. "I mean, what is that about, babe? Since when has protection ever been an issue with us?"

Len sighed. "Since...the first time, Jim. I've never told you, but I've always felt kinda bad; I know that guys always say it feels better without protection. Without it, we're risking a lot. Problem is, I know that if I were to go on birth-control, I might not be in the mood, and I already have issues..." Len grumbled.

Jim blinked a couple of times. He was catching half of this birth-control talk, still on the fact that their sex life _was_ a part of this issue. "Um...Len? Could I tell you a secret?"

"...What?" Len asked wearily.

"I don't have a problem with condoms. I've always used them." He had to fight another laugh when Len frowned at him. "What?"

"...But," Len sputtered, a blush washing over his cheeks. "What about you and...?"

"Gary? Oh, Len, Gary was the condom activist! He had serious issues, but if there was one thing he cared about, it was safe sex! Please do not tell me you need the talk, honey..." Jim teased lightly, and finally laughed when he got an eye-roll.

"Look, pal. I did get the talk - once. But I've only ever had sex with you, and we have our system, which I thought was working..."

"It is working. But there's not just one way to have sex, Len."

"I know that..." Len winced. He'd never even considered another option. It seemed so...different. He blushed again when Jim nodded. "I don't know."

"Hey, it's not something that you can just say, "Well, let's do it this way!" It takes just as much trust, and it can be just as intimate, depending on the partner."

Len looked away, ducking his gaze. "That's what else bugs me. I'll never be able to please you the way you do to me. I just think about that, and it starts the process over again in my head. The why's and what if's."

"Len?"

"Yeah, Jim."

"Look. Firstly, you definitely please me," Jim laughed. "I can't even think straight half the time when I'm with you - times that by ten in bed. Secondly...I know that there's some surgery you can do to change that, but..."

"Well, what if I did want that surgery?"

Jim decided to be serious. He took Len's hand, and kissed it lightly. "I'll support you no matter what. I don't want you to feel regret for your top surgery, but...it scared the hell out of me, and I was perfectly happy with your body. I still am," he added hastily. "Don't have any doubt that's changed! It's just...the idea of another surgery, just to please me..." He shook his head.

Suddenly Len understood. He'd done his top surgery for him, and Jim was okay with that. The fact that Len would consider changing himself for Jim, that was different. He could put himself in Jim's shoes, knowing that he wouldn't want anyone to make that big a change, just for him. "Jim," he pulled the blonde back into his arms. For a long time, neither of them said anything, until Len patted Jim's arm. "Listen, I think that I just got too caught up in my own head."

Jim sat up, and nestled close so they were inches apart. "I think I was, too. I'm sorry."

Len snorted softly. "Did we just have a tiny argument? Isn't that what married people do?"

Jim shrugged and kissed Len's jaw. "Something like that. Let's just not, okay? It's okay to talk about stuff - even if it doesn't seem like a big deal, it may be to someone."

Len pecked Jim's lips, then pulled him back in for a slow, firm kiss. "Love you," he murmured.

"Love you, too, babe."

~*~*~*~

"Hey, come on in guys!" Len greeted.

Karu and Pavel stepped into the lively apartment, smiling at the party settled on the couch. There'd been discussion about what kind of party would be held, but Len and Jim had both wanted to stay in. Jim and Len didn't drink, but they said it was a BYOB if anyone wanted a drink. Karu had teasingly asked if they were supposed to play video games, and Jim had brightened. So, Eric had brought up his x-box and and endless array of games, and it looked like they were being put to use.

"Dammit! Little shit," Jim hissed into the headset, then pointed at the screen. "Eric, kill that bastard for me."

"Where's your body?" Eric frowned. "Oh, there you are, I see him."

Karu looked at Len in amusement, and shook his head. "A side of him you've never seen, right?"

"Oh, you missed my little show earlier," Len laughed. "I'm terrible at this game, I think I did more swearin' and dyin' than anything productive. Jim's much better at it."

"Well, we know that gifts aren't really a thing, but," Karu and Pavel held up two bags. "You can open them later or now, no big deal."

Len looked down at the gifts, then at his friends. "Wow, uh, thanks! Well, I think everyone's into the game right now, so maybe a little later." Len brought the bags into the kitchen and set them on a section of the counter not being used. Karu and Pavel followed him in and found a ton of food on display. Scotty was here, too, chatting with an older man not recognized. "Chris," Len introduced, "this is Pavel and Karu, my coworkers and good friends. Karu and Pavel, this is Chris, Jim's old high school teacher and his best man."

The three of them exchanged firm hand shakes as greeting. "Nice to meet you," Chris smiled. "Jim's told me a little about you two."

"Good zings, we hope," Pavel laughed, and Chris nodded.

The two were invited to dig in whenever they wanted, and however much they wanted. There were barbecue nachos, ribs, beer and soda chips of every kind and the same with the dip. Karu and Pavel happily heaped food onto their plates and joined the rowdy crowd in the other room. Len stayed behind a bit, preferring a little quiet to remedy the excitement.

Scotty shared a look with Chris and snorted. "Oi, laddie!"

Len looked over, munching on a salsa'd chip. "Hm?"

"What're ya doin' in here with us old farts?"

"What?" Chris laughed. "Hey, at least I tried that damn game out there! You just stood back and fed me to the wolves."

Len laughed behind his glass of soda he'd picked up. "I'm enjoying the party, don't worry. Just a little crowded in there, and Jim's having fun just fine without - "

As if on cue, the man in question popped his blonde head in. "Hey," he frowned, "what the hell are you hermits doing in here?" He reached out for Len's wrist, and waved the other two on. "Where are the gifts the guys brought? That you didn't _tell_ me about..."

Len rolled his eyes and snatched them on the way into the living room. "I was gonna tell you, I just figured that you were having such a good time not-winning," he laughed as Jim pouted. "Hey, you did better than me, darlin'."

Jim and Len took their place on the center of the couch, and the rest of the guys settled down to watch them open the gifts. The first items were coordinated shirts, of course. Not exactly matching - Jim's was a black tank, and Len's was a white shirt. They both said, "I'm his," on the front, and, "He's mine," on the ba  
ck. When Karu said they had to display the shirts properly, the two groaned and smiled.

Len was in a nice button down with a white undershirt, so he slipped his new one on over it. Jim was shameless, and as he pulled his own shirt away he got a chorus oh applause and cat calls. "Okay, okay!" Len called over them. "He is mine, after all, read the shirt!"

Everyone laughed, and Jim plopped down at his side with a grin. He decided on better judgement and simply pecked his cheek instead of the full kiss he was tempted to plant on those plush lips. "Damn right, I'm yours."

The next items were tumblers, obviously more as a joke, but Pavel said, "Hey, at least you vill have zem, just in case!" They had tux prints on both of them, and "Groom" was written in fancy letters across the glass. Len picked his up and raised it, then chinked it with Jim's, and they pretended to take shots.

The last gifts were the real gag gifts. Jim laughed as he pulled his out, shaking his head. "Really?"

"Gotta do it, man," Karu replied. The room fell quiet, and Jim sighed in good nature.

Jim pulled out the set of handcuffs, blue fuzz circling the metal. Everyone cheered and whooped, slapping Len on the back. "He's all yours, dude!"

Len glanced in his bag, and laughed as he pulled out his item. It was a bell which read, "Ring for sex," which he did, and laughter exploded through the apartment. Now it was Jim's turn to blush as Len kissed him sweetly on the lips.

The party finally wound down around ten o' clock. Gaila and Carol had treated Nyota, Winona, and Eleanora to a spa day, and Nyota had returned home a little early to be home with Spock and Michael. The mothers were next door with the girls now. Scotty headed out first, promising to be on location early in the morning with his wife. The cake was just on its final touches, and would be brought by the doctor.

Eric collected up his consoles and controllers, and Jim went with him with the selections of games. Karu and Pavel wished they could stay longer. They both had to open the store in the morning, however, and bid Len a good night. Len stepped over to knock on the girls' apartment, and Carol opened the door. "Already?" She frowned. "You lightweights."

Len chuckled. "Yeah, s'pose so. Hey, mama," he waved to her, and she smiled over at him. She was settled on the couch, chatting with Winona who looked just as cozy. Carol looked at them, and smiled at Len.

"Don't you worry about them tonight, we'll keep them company."

"Well, I'll at least say good night, then." Len stepped inside and walked over to his mother. He sat down next to her, wrapped an arm around her, and kissed her cheek. "Have fun, mom?"

"Oh, sweet pea, I dunno how you live this city life," she laughed. "We were all over the place today, I'm beat."

Len laughed. "Well, I'm not that adjusted. We didn't leave our apartment for the bachelor party, after all."

It was nice having her here - an immense relief to his stress. She would be here until the evening the wedding ended, then she was taking the last flight out back home. He still worried about her, being alone, but she seemed to be on the mend. She'd been the core of the wedding plans, making sure that nothing was amiss, triple checking things with such a calm head. "Love you, mama," He whispered. "Sleep good, okay? Got a big day tomorrow."

Tomorrow wasn't the wedding, but Len and Jim were going to treat Winona, Chris, and Eleanora to lunch. The excitement was winding down, and it would be nice to have a little peace before the big day. "Okay, honey. G'night, I love you. Tell Jim the same for me."

Len kissed her cheek again and stood. He looked down at Winona and bid her a good night, and she smiled up at him. "Night, kiddo. Tell my Jim to come see me before he conks out."

Chris and Jim were talking in the apartment when Len stepped in. He told Jim the message, and Jim hopped up to go and see her. That left Len to chat with Chris, and two found companionable conversation for the next while. "So, you ready?" Chris asked.

"Hell no," Len laughed. "But we'll all get through it. I'm just ready to say I do."

Chris nodded. "Believe me, Jim is, too. You two are a perfect match, I gotta say. I never thought I'd see him so happy, but you've given that to him."

Len knew that Jim had done that for him. Sometimes it was hard to believe that he'd made someone so happy. He'd grown up trying to find his own happiness, and along the way he'd found that he'd found it by being with Jim. Jim was his everything, he couldn't imagine his life without him. It left him without words, and he nodded. He cleared his throat when Chris gripped his shoulder, and patted the man's hand. "Thank you, sir."

Jim returned not long after that, with Winona. Chris stood and collected his wallet and keys; he and Winona, despite Len and Jim's offer, were staying at a nearby hotel. They would be close by for anything that they young men needed, they promised before heading out. Jim saw them out, and when he turned he watched Len gathering up plates. He decided to store food away as the dishes were placed into the sink, but once he was done he snuck up behind Len.

The brunette chuckled softly as he felt Jim's lips dancing over his shoulders. "Tell me, Jimmy."

"Hm?" Jim murmured. His hands were secured around Len's middle as he peppered kisses onto tanned skin.

"You wouldn't be tryin' to tell me you wanna use your gag gift tonight, would ya?"

Jim looked at him, eyes dancing. "Gotta ring the bell for me first."

"Maybe to call you to dinner, or to set the trash out!" Len snorted, and the two laughed in the quiet of the apartment.


	32. The End

"Leonard McCoy, what are you doin' awake at this hour?"

Leonard looked over his shoulder. His mother looked just as sleep-ridden as he did, fatigue etched into her face. "You, too, huh?"

She rolled her eyes and wrapped her jacket over herself better. "Sun up in four hours, that's all the sleep you're gonna get, honey. Why don't you go back to bed?" She ran her hand over his hair, which had been trimmed up properly the day before. "I could make a warm drink for ya..."

He took her hand and clasped it. "Nah. Thanks, though. Just nervous."

"Mm-hm, I remember that feeling. Your father and I...we stayed separate the night before, like you boys did. I was afraid I'd fall asleep at the alter, and David later told me he was worried about the same thing!" She giggled.

Len smiled tenderly as the image of his father popped into his mind. He thought about David every day, but the ache hadn't been there so much, anymore. Now it was different, and a pang shot through his chest. "Miss him."

Eleanora's smile fell. "I know you do, baby. He's watchin' over ya. He'll be there in spirit, proud as can be."

Len nodded, swallowing the tightness in his throat. He shut his eyes and felt the tears pool against his lashes. He supposed he wouldn't have cared so much what role his father would have played - being his best man or giving him away - but it hurt to know there was none at all. "Just glad that you'll be there, mama."

They stood in silence for a long time, cuddled together by the balcony. Jim was at Spock and Nyota's, as per the wedding tradition to stay apart before the ceremony. They were to meet at a venue by the bay, and the reception would be held on a patio looking out onto the water nearby. Until then, they were banned from any communication, and Len felt himself unable to sleep due to the lack of Jim's presence. Len was brought from thought when his mother called to him. "Len, honey?"

"Hm? Sorry, Ma, what?"

She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I said, I decided I wanted to show somethin' to ya. Come on in?"

Eleanora walked back inside with him, and over to her duffel by the couch. She pulled something out, then paused. Then she turned and held up the slim item, a DVD case. She handed it over to Len after he'd turned on the living room light, and settled on the couch. "I had it done last minute, I didn't know if you'd have a VHS player..."

Len barked a laugh as he crouched in front of the DVD player. "Smart on your part, we definitely don't have one. What is this?"

"It's a surprise," she smiled up at him, and opened her arms as he sat next to her. She draped the blanket that had been left over them, and reached for his hand. "Just hope it's not - oh, there it goes."

Len fell speechless as he watched the video. It was of his parents' wedding night, he recognized their faces immediately. He grinned and leaned in after the awe had passed. "Now, who could those young sweethearts be?" He laughed as she thumped his chest.

"We were young," she sighed happily. "David was ready to pass out when he slipped the ring onto my finger. Right there," she giggled. "I'm telling him, "I'm not gonna catch you, so snap out of it!" He just gave me that McCoy frown, and I fell in love all over again." She shook her head, and suddenly her lips pursed.

"Mom..."

"No, I'm fine. Let's just watch the movie."

So, they did. They watched the ceremony, and by the time the young couple was sharing their first dance on screen, Eleanora and Len were weepy. When it ended, it panned to different congratulations for the happy pair. After that, the screen blacked out, and that was it; Len wiped his eyes and heaved a shuddering breath. He looked at his mother and her smiling face, and returned it. "Thanks for showing me that."

"I brought the video for you to keep, if you want it."

"Really? Mom, I couldn't - "

She shook her head. "It's a copy. I have one of my own - I've been watching it every once in a while when I need a good cry."

Len got up and took the DVD out, set it back into the case, and looked at it a long moment. It was the closest he was ever going to get to his father again, hearing his voice, so he would cherish it. "Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. Now, I think we should both get to bed, we have a big day ahead of us."

Len sighed and rubbed his eyes. Crying had helped a little, but he knew his nerves would riddle him the second his head hit the pillow. "Okay. Um, first, though...could you make that warm drink for me, mama?"

Eleanora's grin was unmatched.

~*~*~*~*~

"I told you, left over right, then slide it through," Nyota chided.

Jim tipped his chin up gratefully as his friend tied his tie for him. "Thanks. I know you've only told me a million times, but..."

She grinned, and finished off the knot in a clean tuck. "There. You're all set, Mr. Kirk, ready for someone to take your name?"

"Actually," Jim smiled, "we decided I would sort of be taking Len's name. After today I'm going to be James Kirk-McCoy. It sounded better than McCoy-Kirk."

Nyota nodded in agreement. "Does roll off the tongue better. Well," she brushed off his shoulders and examined him a final time. "You ready?"

Surprisingly, Jim felt pretty ready. He'd been up late last night, unable to sleep until Spock had brewed up some tea for them to share. He was up with Michael anyhow, and the two ended up chatting until Jim's eyelids began to droop. They both decided it was best to get some sleep, and Jim had slept until seven thirty. After that he'd showered, shaved and did his hair, and was almost finished dressing by the time Spock and Nyota began to stir. Now it was a quarter to nine, one hour from the wedding. Jim rubbed his hands together nervously and nodded, and the three of them headed down and piled into the car.

At the venue, things were starting to pick up, and Winona and Chris were leading the charge. The cake was set on the deck with the rest of the food, both Scotty and his wife hovering around it protectively. The chairs were set up, as was the arbor where Len and Jim would say their vows. It was a sunny day, not much wind, and it was going to be perfect.

"Is there anything I can do to help, Mom?" Jim asked when he approached Winona.

"Oh, just stand there and look pretty - you're already doing a great job," she laughed, then added, "Seriously, though. You look good."

Chris smiled and reached out to grip Jim's shoulder. "She's right. And we've got most of it set up already; Len just showed up with his mother, so no wandering."

Jim's heart leaped into his throat when he heard that. He wanted nothing more than to sit with Len alone, get this ceremony done with so it could be official, but all he could do was nod and wait obediently.

It didn't take long for everything to pull together. The wedding officiator's was named Grant, and he spent the majority of the time chatting with Jim to keep his nerves at bay. They talked until Chris walked up to him, and Jim could see everyone getting into place. Gaila and the girls were dressed in their peach colored dresses, the men in tuxes with peach or navy blue ties, and it was time.

The music was played from Pavel's phone, attached to portable speakers and set on a small pedestal. It was the classic Pachelbel's Canon in D, a piano and violin variant that sounded through the open air. Everyone stood as the doors to the deck opened, and there stood Len with Eleanora.

He and Jim locked gazes immediately, and suddenly it was all they could do to not collapse into a ball of emotion. Or, one of them run to the other, at least; Jim's chest swelled with happiness as mother and son walked together. Jim thought about David, and how, had he been here he would be at Len's side. At the end of the aisle, Eleanora lingered just a second before letting her son go - she kissed his cheek, blinked back tears, and went to take her seat. Len took steady steps up to Jim, and at last their hands linked.

Grant began by thanking everyone for being here today, the entire wedding spiel that had been heard over and over again by families and loved ones. Jim heard half of it; he just couldn't take his eyes off of Len and refused to let go. He managed to catch the end, when he was invited to make his vow. Jim took a deep breath and nodded, and choked on the very first word. "Len. From the day I met you, I knew that there was something telling me I had to get to know you. I knew that if I never worked up to courage to say hello, I'd regret it forever. Not a day has gone by that I don't think it wasn't the best decision I've ever made. I love you, and I hope I get to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much."

Len sniffled, eyes glistening, and he cleared his throat. "Jim," he said, his voice unsteady. "I never thought...Never thought that there'd be anyone who'd love me for me, even with the things I had to change about myself. I never thought that I'd let anyone in that much, but with you it was so easy. You make life so much easier to bear, Jim. And even when I was at my worst, when we had to be apart for so long, you stuck by me. You never gave up on me. I hope that I get to do the same for you as long as I live. I love you more than anyone in this entire world," his voice broke at the last word, and tears welled up heavily in his eyes. He tipped his head up, but they finally spilled over and he had to catch them.

Len turned when he felt a nudge on his shoulder, and found Gaila subtly handing him a handkerchief. He laughed and thanked her with a nod, and once everyone saw him wipe his eyes they shared a unanimously sympathetic chuckle. Len tucked the cloth into his pocket and tried again. Jim was looking at him with such a deep expression, he knew he was as loved as he gave it. "No one will ever show me such patience and kindness, as you do, Jim."

"I love you," Jim whispered.

Grant, sensing the vows were over, looked to Chris for the rings. Jim only extended one hand because of Len's grasp on the other, and the gold bands were placed into his palm. Chris wrapped up Jim's fingers and patted them, then his shoulder. He was looking at Jim in a way that Len knew all to well - as a father would look at his son. The invitation was given to exchange the rings, and each man placed the band on the other carefully.

"Leonard McCoy, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"And do you, Jim Kirk, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband."

"I do."

Grant smiled. "You may kiss the groom."

Leonard fell breathless against Jim's lips, fresh tears lining his lashes as they pressed together. "Love you," he whispered.

"Love you so much," Jim murmured back, barely audible under the applause and cheering around them. They finally pulled apart, though still officially bonded by marriage.

~*~*~*~*~

"You can't be serious..."

Chris grinned as the two boys gawked at the tickets. "I dunno where you got this crazy notion that you were going to go back to your _apartment_ for your honeymoon," he laughed with Winona, who shook her head. After the cake, food and dancing, she and Chris and Eleanora had pulled the boys aside.

"Chris, we can't - " Len began, but a sharp, warning look from his mother shut him up immediately. " - Can't possibly thank you enough for this gift, of course. Sir," he added, and the three adults laughed.

"The flight leaves tonight," Jim realized. "We still have to go back to pack everything, and I have to get it approved with my job..." He trailed off at their expression. "It's all taken care of, isn't it?"

"Every last detail," Winona nodded. "We contacted the school, let them know you were indeed going to spend your honeymoon properly."

They were going to Little Palm Island, Florida Keys. Everything was packed - wedding gifts were being moved to the apartment here - and they would stay for the week. All expenses paid round-trip for the happy couple. Jim looked at the tickets again, then at Len, then at the three others. "Thank you," he replied seriously. "We...never could have imagined - "

"Son," Chris chided softly. "We know you'll have fun, and that's the most important to us."

Len glanced at his proud mama and nudged her. "When did you fix this up, ya sneak?"

"Oh, not long after Jim gave me Winona's contact info. We've been chatting endlessly for the last couple of months, darlin'. We knew how incredibly hard you two have worked these last two years, and you deserve something wonderful for it." Her eyes sparkled happily.

"...Mom," he murmured, and pulled her into a tight hug. Jim did the same with Winona and Chris, and then the boys switched to give their full appreciation.

The night wound down, everything was put away, and Len and Jim changed into their going away clothes. Chris piled Winona, Eleanora, and the boys all in the car. Gaila, Carol, Pavel and Karu were already heading to the airport with the luggage. When they reached their destination, it was final goodbyes before the gates closed. Jim and Len hugged their friends who wished them well and safe on their trip.

"We seriously could not have done this without all of you," he reminded seriously. "We started out with no idea what we were doing."

"Kind of ended out that way, too," Jim joked.

The two of them waved goodbye until they could wave no more and were heading down the ramp. They stepped into the plane and were directed to their seats. It was nice taking the late flight out, because it wasn't incredibly crowded. Jim packed their single carry-on above their seats, and settled down next to Leonard. He opened his mouth to say something, then stopped.

Leonard squinted at him. "...What?"

"We're married, Len. You are my husband, and I'm yours."

A wide grin spread over Len's face. "Well, Jimmy," he took Jim's left hand, and kissed the band on his finger. "That's how marriage works. Now we just got the rest of our lives to keep makin' it work, darlin'."

Jim settled close, bumping their foreheads together. "I will never get tired of you calling me that. I love you, Leonard McCoy."

"Love you, Jim Kirk-McCoy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be adding my final thanks with the epilogue, but for now, thank you all so much for reading this wonderfully happy chapter!!


	33. Little By Little, We Understand

_Ten Years Later..._

Jim Kirk was at the school, grading his students' essays when he got the text. He fished out his phone and opened the message, and his heart nearly stopped. **:As soon as you can, come home. We have an appointment:**

Jim loved his students, he really did. However, their essays would have to wait until tonight, as this was not an announcement to be held off. Jim scrambled to collect every paper carefully, packed them into his book bag, and hurried out the door after signing out from work on his laptop. He scrambled for his keys at the car, and jumped in without a second to lose.

He drove until he reached home - a two story place that he and Len had just finished making it exactly how they wanted. It had taken years, and there was just one room left that had remained undecided. When Jim stepped inside, he could hear Len speaking to someone and found him in the kitchen. "Oh, yes, we're very excited, thank you. No, I have him right here, we'll actually head out now, all right? Okay, thank you." Len hung up, and immediately faced his nervous husband. "There was a transfer - a nine year old girl."

Jim sucked in a breath and pushed it out. "What's her name?"

"No idea!" Len shrugged. "Anna was incredibly dodgy about that one."

"Dodgy? Doesn't she know?" Jim asked, even as they were already heading back out to the car.

"All she said was that we would talk about it more when we got there." Len took the driver's side, and once they were buckled in he put it in reverse and hit the road. Today had to be the day, he thought to himself. The adoption agency had been his and Jim's focus for the last five years, and this just had to be the lucky winner. On the way, there was still the inevitable discussion of not getting their hopes up too much. The first few times, Len and Jim had tried for adopting a baby. Boy, girl, it didn't matter.

Without fail, the young mothers had reconsidered, naturally falling for the little ones they'd been carrying for nine months. They went back on their agreement before the papers could be signed; though the men understood and didn't hold that against them, it still broke their hearts a little. They'd tried for older kids, too, but sometimes the kids were nearly adults themselves and had been in foster homes for too long. They would be set into different programs as legal adults, no need for a young couple to take care of them.

They'd been having a bit more luck with the ages in-between, and this nine-year-old mystery might just be their winning ticket. They'd switched agencies last year, and Anna had been sharp on updating them when she could. "It'll be okay, Jim," Len reassured, reaching out to squeeze Jim's hand. It'll be okay, no matter what."

Jim nodded tensely, and didn't dare let go of Len's hand. "I know it will."

They parked outside the agency, and took another spare minute before heading in. The lobby was quiet, and they were recognized by Anna immediately. "Len, Jim! Come on back."

The routine was familiar from there. They walked back with her into her office, and she pulled up the file on her laptop. She pursed her lips, but her expression was still laced with tenderness. "Okay. The reason I was hesitant to give so many details, is because I would have you two rather see for yourselves. This," she turned the screen, "is Victoria. Or, Vicky, as she prefers."

Len and Jim looked at the screen, finding the most beautiful child they'd ever seen - dark, wavy hair and soulful brown eyes. A slight dimple hinted at a smile, but the eyes said he was serious. Because as they could plainly see, the child was male. Jim looked up questioningly between Len and Anna, and he understood. "She doesn't identify as a boy."

Len felt the wind knocked out of him, in a wonderful sort of way. His fingers found Jim's again, and he squeezed tight. "S-So, you said she's nine."

"Barely - she had her birthday last week," Anna shook her head, strangely regretful. "She didn't seem too into it. She's been on file for a few months now, I think she's having a hard time."

"What about her parents?" Jim asked. He'd seen the kid, now it was time for the questions. "Are they around?"

"Just her mother, until this last Christmas. Mom went missing, and the neighbors heard him crying alone in their apartment. They never were able to find her...I'm not sure of the details, and Vicky has been so quiet."

"We'd love to talk to her," Jim blurted out. His heart went out to this little child, and he felt just as much need to get to know her as the day when he'd first met Len. "Has she seen many couples?"

Anna shook her head regretfully. "She's had a few bad experiences. Parents coming in and finding out her name, realizing how she identifies...they just shake their heads and walk out. I never knew how hurtful some people could be..."

Len shook his head. "Tell me about it. We'd love to talk to her, if we could?"

Anna brightened at their enthusiasm. "Of course! I have her with one of my coworkers, ready for an interview."

More routine from there. Jim and Len had lost count of the times they'd spent talking with young mothers or couples wanting to adopt, or the children themselves. It had just never worked out because of one situation of another. They waited outside one of the quiet rooms, a playroom with a glass looking in. Vicky sat with one of the other ladies, seeming to enjoy their coloring activity. When she saw Anna, and eventually glanced over at the two men on the other side, she sobered instantly.

"Shoot," Jim whispered. "Already skeptical."

"We can't expect anything else from her, look what she's already been through. We just have to take things slow, and I'm sure we'll be back for more visits. I just have a feeling about her..."

Finally, Len and Jim were waved in. The other worker left, and Anna stayed back to let the men talk with Vicky. Len smiled brightly as he sat down, cross-legged on the carpet and resting his elbows on the low table. "Hey, Vicky. How are you, sweetheart?"

Jim sat next to Len, and copied his posture. "I'm Jim, and this is my husband, Len. Are...you having fun coloring?"

Vicky wouldn't look them in the eye, but she nodded.

Len fumbled for a question. He was used to Michael, whenever they would go over to Spock and Nyota's. Kids just needed the right ice-breaker to get the ball rolling. "Vicky, I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. You wouldn't mind if we colored with you while we talked?"

She glanced at them, almost smiling as she finally slid over two blank papers. The crayons were scattered, so Len picked out a green one. He had an idea, and started coloring on the bottom of the page. "What do you like to color, sweetie? Do you like animals?"

"M'allergic," was the mumbled reply. "I like puppies, but they make me itch..."

"Hey, I have lots of allergies, too," Jim smiled. Of course, now they weren't so bad as when he'd been younger, but they'd never gotten pets for that reason. "But I like dogs, too. Vicky, do you have a favorite stuffed animal, maybe?"

Vicky looked over at Anna, who nodded encouragingly. She stood up and wandered over to the toys, pulled out a doll and tucked the toy into her arm. "I like this one."

"She's very pretty - like you," Len smiled. He'd switched his green crayon to a black one, and was now drawing boxes onto the page. "What's her name?"

"Sam." Vicky's eyes lowered again.

"Like Samantha? I like it."

"No, like Sam. Sam is a boy," Vicky sighed. "He likes to wear dresses, and that's okay. No one understand him, though, 'cept me."

Len swallowed against the sudden emotion rising in his chest. He'd been debating on the way in, whether he would reveal to this little girl his past. He knew they were meant to meet, so he didn't want to mess this up. "You and Sam are good friends, then?"

"He understands me, too. Even though I look like a boy, I know I'm a girl," Vicky looked up at them, her eyes wide. "Even if you don't wanna adopt me, I know it's 'portant to tell the truth. Miss Anna always says so."

"Oh, Vicky, honey," Jim murmured. He hadn't even started coloring, he'd mostly been watching Len start to draw the familiar lines of their house. He shifted over to the other side of the table, and plopped down at Vicky's side. "Sweetie, it is always important to tell the truth. And you know what? We've been looking for a long, long time for someone special like you. We know it has to have been hard for you."

Vicky rested her chin into her palm and sighed heavily. "No one 'cept Sam understands me, though. My mommy didn't understand me, either. I think that's why she went away."

This was it. This child had to know that someone did understand, no matter what the outcome of the visit was. "Vicky," Len replied. "I want you to know, that Jim and I understand you very, very well. I...know someone who was born a girl, and knew that she was a boy."

"A friend?" Vicky asked, perking up a little.

"Yes, a friend. Sometimes he didn't always understand his feelings, and he felt incredibly different for a long, long time, Victoria."

"What did he do?"

Len looked at Jim, and smiled at him tenderly. "He found someone who loved him for who he was. It didn't matter that he felt confused sometimes, because that person was always there to reassure him he was okay."

"That's what we want for you, Vicky," Jim added. "Miss Anna wants someone for you who will help you understand that same thing. You are a beautiful little girl, even if the outside doesn't really match the inside. If you wanted, we'd be happy to be your daddies, and love you and take care of you."

Vicky looked up at them both, and suddenly her face crumpled with emotion. She hid her hears behind small hands, and tried to muffle her cries. "I miss my mommy so much," she choked, "but I know she won't come back. Didn't she love me?"

Anna was still a ways off, and now wiping at her own eyes. She shook her head bitterly, her expression matching what Len and Jim were thinking. Len abandoned his drawing at last, and moved to Vicky's other side. "Victoria. We know...that you love your mother very much, because you are incredibly sweet. We don't know why she didn't come back, but we know that she did love you. She still does. We want you to know that you're very loved here, with Miss Anna."

Victoria sniffled and wiped at her eyes and nose. She was quiet for a long time, the two adults allowing her time to collect her thoughts. Finally she took a shuddering breath and looked up at them. "I'm not ready to be 'dopted yet. But...can you come back? I wanna talk to you more."

Jim smiled and reached out to wrap one arm over Vicky. "Of course we will. We want to talk to you, too."

At the end of the visit, Anna thanked them for their time. Len and Jim promised to be back tomorrow, since it was their weekend and they had no other devotions at the moment. And they kept true to that promise - they were there the next day and Sunday, and then they would switch off during the week between Jim's classes and Len's job at the cafe. He still worked with Karu and Pavel as the assistant manager, and they were understanding as always about this time in Jim and Len's life.

Vicky opened up to them more and more. Her favorite color was blue, she loved Giraffes and she loved to draw. She usually had a new picture every day for the two, and their fridge was quickly filling up with the drawings. At the end of the next week, Len and Jim again posed the question of adoption to her, and this time she was ready to give her answer. "I wanna be adopted. I want you two to be my daddies!"

Anna set up the paperwork from there. Len and Jim would need the room mostly ready for their new arrival, so they bustled out to furniture and paint stores and spent the next weekend getting everything ready. They'd been attentive to her likes and dislikes, and the room was themed blue with white contrasts. Jim found a giant stuffed Giraffe, and Len had laughed when Jim had shuffled in the door with it. He was setting part of his budget aside to go shopping with Vicky, get her some clothes she felt comfortable in.

The night before Vicky was to go home with them, Len got an email from his mother, who'd finally caved and gotten a computer two years ago. She knew that the boys had to be close in their adoption endeavors, and wanted to keep in touch more than phone calls and letters. Enclosed in the email was a scanned photo, which Len decided to print out after another moment's consideration. He had to be completely honest with Vicky; she deserved that.

In the morning, the two of them headed out to see her. She was beyond excited to see them, her few things already packed and ready to go. "Daddies!" She hollered from the front door of the building. She ran over to them and embraced them both. Len crouched down and smiled at her, brushing his thumb over her cheek. "'Lo, sweetie. Daddy's gonna put your stuff in the car, and...I'd like to talk to you about somethin'. Is that okay?"

"Okay," she grinned, and hopped into his arms. They went walking over to the grassy, shaded area of the property, and Len sat them down. He pulled out from his pocket the picture, and passed it over. She looked at it curiously, then frowned. "Who is this?"

"...That's me, Victoria. With your grandpa."

"I have a grandpa?" She murmured. "Wait. This is a girl in the picture."

Len nodded and pulled her into his lap. "When I was born, I was born as a girl. Do you remember when I told you about that friend I had, who felt very confused? Well, that was me."

Vicky's eyes went wide, and she looked between the picture and her new father. "But Daddy, you look like a boy! How did you change?"

Len pursed his lips. "Well, I had to...change a lot when I was young. I'm only tellin' you this story, because I want you to know that I understand exactly what you're going through right now. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to change for us, or for anyone else. You are our very special little girl, and you're beautiful and perfect." He bumped their foreheads together, and wrapped his arms around her small frame. "Do you understand?"

She nodded, and held the picture close. "Can I keep this, Daddy?"

"Of course, sweetie. Now...are you ready to go home?"

Vicky gave a shy, but ready smile, and nodded. She nestled into his arms and Len carried her to the car. Once buckled in, Jim pulled away and the three waved goodbye to Anna. Len surprised Vicky on the way home with her favorite soundtrack on his phone - the Little Mermaid. She sang quietly along with the music, and Len and Jim were content to listen to her sweet voice.

When they pulled up to the house, Jim parked, and in his seat turned to Vicky. "You ready, baby?"

Vicky looked out the window, for a long time. She finally pulled her gaze away and reached for her backpack, and pulled out a piece of rolled up paper. It was a drawing, and she looked between it and the house. She smiled at last and nodded, and handed the picture to Len. "I'm ready."

Len looked at the drawing and realized it was the one he'd drawn for her - their house. She'd made an addition, of three figures standing in front of the house. Two tall men, one brunette, one blonde, and a girl with short hair and a pink dress. Len felt tears sting his eyes and had to blink them away. "You kept my drawing, darlin'."

"Of course I did!"

The three of them stepped out into the sun, and Vicky walked between her fathers as they stepped up to the door of the house. Jim unlocked it, opened it, and he and Len let Vicky take the first steps into her new home. They let her lead, enjoying her awe at discovering each room. It didn't take long for her to notice the stairs, and she wanted to see her room.

It was right across from Len and Jim's, and as Vicky pushed open the door, a quiet gasp escaped her lips. "It's so beautiful! Look at that Giraffe, he's huge! Sam can sit right next to him!"

Len and Jim stepped into the room with her, and as she flopped on her bed, they knew that the three of them were finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have it, the happy ending for our boys and their girl. For anyone curious, the inspiration for Victoria comes from the the little boy who was in Almost Human (Victor), who made his way into John Kennex's grumpy heart (and mine. I love that little boy so, so much). This idea was not in my original plans, until the chapter with Nyota having her baby. I thought a lot about the kids Len and Jim would have, and only one suddenly popped into my mind - one who Len, and in turn Jim, could really identify with. Someone who would have parents who would understand what they were going through. 
> 
> And, of course, this has thus inspired ideas for a sequel, but I'm not sure yet. What do you all think? Do you think Victoria Kirk-McCoy has a story to tell? Of course, I have an Almost Human idea in the works as we speak, so this would be down the road. 
> 
> Firstly, thank you all so, so, SO much for reading through this entire story. It has meant so much from those who've been here since the beginning and those who have joined in half-way through. I never thought I would be able to write a story that means so very much to me, and this is definitely one very dear to my heart. I know it wasn't perfect, there were many subjects I did not touch on, but certainly they crossed my mind. 
> 
> Your comments encouraged me endlessly and made this story so much better, made me think about details I never would have thought on my own, so I thank you all so much. I hope that you have enjoyed reading this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

**Author's Note:**

> This story began because of my interest in doing a fem!Bones fic. Every time I tried to write one, it just didn't work out. However, since writing this, I've also considered writing MTF Bones. Perhaps in the future, I'm not sure.


End file.
